Becoming Hers

30

*LEXI'S POV*
I knew it was bad for me, I smoked because it was killing me. Everything was fucking up but for some reason it made me feel calm. I felt like I was in control when I lit the ciggerette. I felt more like me, like it was natural. I knew I was insane to feel like that but I didn't care because nobody noticed my changes, or at least that's what I thought.

At first it was just occasional to have a smoke, whenever I felt really down it calmed me slightly but then it started to happen more frequently. I bought two (sometimes three) packets every week from the corner shop near my house. They never checked for my ID so I started to buy alcohol a lot too.

The creepy dude still worked there but I went in anyway. That shop was like the only place that would sell me alcohol and shit so I had to face him.

There were a few times when things got seriously bad that I would just drink all of my feelings away. The only problem with that was that they would always return in the morning.

I didn't even realise Gracie was stood behind me until she cleared her throat.

"I didn't know you smoked," She said in that accusing voice that made shivers run all over my body. It made me feel so guilty for things I hadn't even thought of.

"Shit," I muttered.

I waved the cigarette around with my fingers causing ash to fall to the ground. I didn't have an escape route that time so I didn't deny it, I mean I was literally holding the fucking evidence.

"Well I do." I stated.

"How long have you been smoking?" She asked after a moment, like she was trying to string together the correct sentence.

"For a while." I mumbled.

"Why?" Was all she said.

"It helps." I said before I blew out another puff of smoke, not once receiving eye contact from Gracie.

"Lexi what's going on with you?"

"So now you want to know me." I looked at her then, I wanted her to hurt as badly as I did.

"I've always...Hey it's not like that."

"Can you just leave me alone?"

"What about...your...what you said on Friday, in front of everyone,"

"I can't remember," I lied. Well strictly speaking it was true, I didn't remember being there and saying those words but I saw a video and some of it came back to me.

"Please don't do this Lexi, I like you."

"Yeah? Well I really like you Gracie," Another drag of the fag. She knew how I felt and she was just messing me around and it seriously fucked with me.

"Lexi." She tried to speak again but I didn't want to hear it.

"Look I know you don't feel the same," I hissed, "just leave,"

I didn't want her to leave, I wanted her to stand her ground and sit down beside me. I wanted her to tell me how smoking kills. I wanted her to kiss me and me kiss her back. But I couldn't just let her lie to herself and to me again and again.

"Gracie, just walk away," I pleaded.

"But Lex-" She objected.

"Just walk away, it's all you have to do." I rambled on because I didn't want to face the facts. She was just about to walk away from me, except that time of felt like it would be forever.