Becoming Hers

56

*GRACIE'S POV*
It surprised me how swiftly the first week went by, the lessons and lectures weren't easy but I'd survived and I was so happy that I'd got through my first week without any issues. We'd even got started on the first project, which made me realise how quickly the next few years of my life would fly by. I was excited nonetheless.

I hadn't heard from Lexi that whole week, nor had I reached out to her. I'd picked up the phone many times to call her, but never actually dialled her number. I was too scared that she'd reject me again, she broke up with me so she obviously didn't want to hear from me anytime soon.

I tried to keep busy so I wouldn't think about her. On the second night at Uni I went with Cam, Gabhi and Kayla to a party, they didn't even need to convince me very much, I was eager to let loose. But once I'd gotten over the fear of doing something stupid I got really drunk. Apparently I nearly ended up sleeping with someone, a blond girl from the basketball team, her name was irrelevant, it was obvious why I was doing it, she reminded me of Lexi. Kayla took me back to the dorm before anything serious happened between us and I was extremely grateful. It would have been a huge mistake. In the morning she told me about what I'd done and I was shocked at my own behaviour. I couldn't remember much from that night so I must have drank a lot. It was strange because we barely knew each other but I trusted Kayla entirely.

I couldn't commit to being in a relationship with anyone else, even if it was just a casual fling, because there was someone else that I still loved. I was always going to love her. I'd never be able to stop loving Lexi Jones.

Charlie was having a great time at UCLAN, he was close to Blake and they took advantage of that, even though it had been obvious for months, the two of them told us all that they were dating only a few days earlier, of course we were all happy for them, but I warned Charlie not to hurt my brother and Blake not to hurt my best friend. It surprised me that it didn't at all feel weird to me that my brother and best friend were together.

I'd heard from Lauren and a few art friends from back home, they'd settled in well and were enjoying the uni life. So why wasn't I? I should have been enjoying it but I wasn't because Lexi was still fucking with me in my mind. I tried to be happy, I really did but how could I be happy without her? So I faked a smile or two and attempted to get through the day without thinking about her. Of course I never did, she was all I ever thought about.

I knew I was meant to move on, when I was growing up, everyone always said that first love didn't really mean anything because it wasn't proper love, only childish teenage love, but with Lexi it was different. I know we were only young, but at this point I was willing to die for her if I had to.

We'd been through so much together and she continued to prove that she'd be there for me no matter what. Our relationship was never straight forward, we had to deal with so much just to get to where we were before everything happened. But even when I hadn't completely accepted myself, Lexi was patient for me, and didn't rush me into coming out to anyone. She was there for me when my dad left us and she never let me down, not once.

I genuinely felt like I was missing a part of me, maybe a limb? At night I couldn't sleep because it hurt so much. I had gotten so used to being with her everyday, living with her and even just sleeping in the same bed. Then all of a sudden, that was all gone. I was alone. I couldn't concentrate anymore, because I was always thinking about her. I literally couldn't do anything. It was so fucked how badly she had impacted my life.

Even though I was so sure of how I felt about her I woke up one morning and decided I'd try to get over those feelings. After all, they were just feelings.