Cool Mom

24: Baby

"Hazel!" The swimming instructor calls out from the swimming pool, where she has other children doing various warm up exercises.

"Hi Amelia!" I call back as mom and Hazel head for the showers. I stay back so that Amelia can bring me up to date with my daughter's swimming.

I am delighted to hear that she is doing remarkably well, even better than some of the children older than her. She started swimming full lengths of the pool a week before we left for Paris. The instructor thinks that she would do great in the community swimming competition the following month.

"I'll discuss it with Hazel and Daniel and let you know in a few days." I tell her just as mom appears, holding Hazel's hand who is dressed in her little pink swimming suit with matching goggles and a cap.

I kneel down before her and ask, "Are you ready to swim?"

She nods and gives me a thumbs up. I smile at her and let her step into the pool. We watch her splash her way over to the other children and her instructor.

Mom and I find a nice spot in the shade, some distance away from the pool so that we don't get wet. We watch Hazel swim for a few minutes in silence before mom speaks up.

"So, there really are no plans for another baby?"

I sigh and turn to look at her. "No, mom. Really, no plans."

She shifts to face me. "But why? Hazel should have a sibling!"

"I don't know mom. I was always scared about being a mother and deciding to have Hazel was a big decision."

I feel her take my hand and squeeze it. "Go on."

"Daniel is way too busy to raise another child. And Hazel will be starting pre-school in September, I don't want her to have to bear the pressure of another sibling."

"But what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Don't you want another child?"

I shift uneasily in my chair and take a deep breath. "I love Hazel mom. But I'm not sure if I want to be a mother to a second child. And...I'm not sure if I can deal with the constant fear of losing the baby during my pregnancy."

"Emma, if you want it, you will get through it. It will be hard but worth it all the same. Don't let your complications from Hazel's pregnancy dominate your decision."

"I can't discuss this right now." I cut her short, not able to take it anymore.

She looks at me for a minute before putting her arm around my shoulders and pulling me into a hug. I sigh into her shoulder and close my eyes. I pull away when Hazel calls out to us.

I smile at her, wiping away the tears in my eyes and take a deep breath.

My parents and Hazel have gone to bed but I'm awake waiting for Daniel to return home from dinner with some corporate bankers. I scroll through my messages, replying to some friends planning a get together.

About an hour later, the bedroom's door opens and Daniel steps in.

"Hey! You're still awake." He says, placing his coat on the sofa next to the door and walking to the bed.

He sits down next to me and I didn't realize it until now but I had all my emotions bottled up inside me from the talk with mom in the morning. I throw my arms around him and sob into his shoulder. His arms snake around me, holding me as I empty out my tears.

After a few minutes of just sitting there, holding me, he kisses my head and pulls away to look at me. I can see the question on his face before he even asks it.

"Are you alright?"

I shake my head as fresh tears stream down my cheeks. He pulls me back into his arms and rubs my back. This time it takes me longer to stop crying but I know that he is the only person, I can talk to about this.

"I can't have another baby." I choke and double over crying. He doesn't say anything, all he does is hold me while I cry.

"Emma, why are you suddenly bringing this up?" He asks holding my face in his hands and rubbing a thumb across my cheek to wipe away the tears.

"Mom brought up the baby thing again today and I can't keep it from her anymore. You know how much both our parents want another baby but my fucking body just won't conceive!" I scream at him.

"Emma!" His sharp voice cuts through my daze, bringing me back.

I shudder as I gulp and breathe.

"I thought we both had come to terms with this." He says gently, kissing my forehead.

I clutch the collar of his shirt and hiccup. "I've tried but I just can't. I thought I had but if I can't handle a conversation with my mother then I definitely have not."

We sit in silence for a moment, me with my head on Daniel's shoulder still holding onto his collar as if it is the only thing towing me to earth.

"Do you want to tell your parents?" He asks, his voice barely a whisper.

I shake my head. "It seems too personal to share with them. I don't think I can handle the pity looks from everyone."

"Okay, so we stick with our initial decision of not telling?" He asks, looking down at me.

I nod my head against his body. We sit there for what seems like forever to me before he pulls away to look at me. I see my pain mirrored in his eyes but he learned to lock it away long before I did.