Finding Him

40l Alone

It was unexpected, so unexpected his words were, the second they hit their mark, they were enough to cause the pounding of her heart to cease completely. She felt the blood drain from her face as her lips fell open and her breathing ceased.

Daniel stood before her, hands buried in his pocket, face crumbled into a furious frown, eyes the very reflection of wrath. She noticed the small trembling of his body and how he seemed to sway slightly on his feet, as if fighting to desire to retain his anger, yet, simultaneously failing to do so.

Hadassah didn't know for how long she sat gawking at him, unable to speak past the pain, hurt and fear she felt. Her mind scrambled for what to say but her lips failed to produce sounds. She longed to reach out to him, to beg his forgiveness, to speak of the horror of the evening she woke up to find his brother beside her. She wanted to speak of the marriage he nearly imposed on her. She wanted to speak of the loss of their child, Daniel's child. She wanted to speak of the horrors of living under the roof of her uncle. Still, everything she tried to speak of, seemed unwilling to proceed from her lips. For some reason, her body felt numb and darkness fought to gain her attention.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Daniel slowly nodded his head. “I shall leave you to rest and we shall never speak of this.”

The finality and sense of acceptance in his words, caused a sensation of warmth to race through Hadassah's body. She couldn't, she realized, pushing herself to a sitting position; she couldn't accept what was done to her. She couldn't live in silence and never speak of it again for she knew it would eventually kill. Yet, somewhere in the depth of her heart, fear loomed. Fear of loss, fear of rejection. Would Daniel even believe her if she told him what happened? Would he accept her?

When he turned from her, she knew she didn't have the time to think her next words through.

“Julius forced himself on me! I don't know what happened that evening, Daniel, I wasn't conscious! I don't remember,I can't remember. Lord Hadley forced me back to Sheffield to try to force me to marry Julius. I tried, I fought, I did everything I could! They took everything from me, the took my child, our child! Then he threatened me, he threatened you! He pushed you down the horse! Our home, he burned our home. ” She knew she was rambling and doubted her words were cohesive but she could hardly stop her flow of words, neither could she bring herself to pause to breathe. She had carried the burden of the truth for many months, she knew she couldn't carry it for much longer.

Even as she spoke, her tears blurred her vision. She was speaking and gasping for air and fighting the overwhelming urge to slip into darkness. Her head swam with many thoughts and her lips seemed nearly incapable of letting them all out. Still, she kept speaking until something touched her arm.

“Hadassah.” The solemn voice beside her, surprised her. She knew it wasn't Daniel but as she lifted her eyes up and fought to see through her tears, she hoped she would be staring into his eyes, she hoped he would be here to comfort her, to ease her pain. He wasn't. Instead, Lady Talbot's kind eyes stared down at her. Realizing that Daniel had abandoned her, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her knees, the single action causing her vision to cloud with darkness.

✴✴✴

“Oh, stop being so hard headed!” Leah hissed, anger visible in her eyes. She folded her arms across her chest and glared down at Hadassah who simply averted her gaze. “Hadas...”

An exhausted breath escaped Hadassah's lips as she rose to her feet. “ I already said no, Leah. Standing here and badgering me shall do nothing but strengthen my resolve. ”

“And what resolve do you speak of, Hadassah? Your resolve to abandon your son?! It has been three days, surely you can find it in your heart to at least hold him?! Perhaps your refusal to nurse him is understandable and Lady Talbot has been gracious enough to hire a wet nurse but even you should know... ”

“I do not wish to speak of this.” Hadassah squared her shoulders, her back turned to Leah. “You are dismissed, Leah.”

For the first time in Leah's life, she felt the need to disregard her mistress' command. Choosing to maintain her position behind Hadassah, “Look at me!” Her voice rang in the silence of the room. While Hadassah didn't budge, her shoulders trembled slightly.

Leah wanted to scream at her mistress in frustration, to slap some sense into Hadassah but she knew even that would prove useless against the wall Hadassah had built, locking the world out. She also knew she was incapable of reaching her mistress to pull her out of the pit of depression she was falling into. Daniel seemed like the only option, still, he was absent in the estate. Leah hadn't seen him since the birth of the child and while she was curious about his disappearance, she could hardly ask about his whereabouts. However, one thing she did know; his wife needed him.

✴✴✴

“Go back.”

The command was unexpected and highly unwelcome. Confused, Justin tightened his hold on the door of the carriage, eyes planted on the man who sat within with his hands on his knees.

“My lord,” His voice carried into the wind, trembling slightly. He wanted to point his master's blindness and dependence to him. He wanted to point out the fact that they were in a place unfamiliar to his master and leaving him alone was simply madness. Still, he knew his observations would be unwelcome by his master. “It...” He sighed softly. “Surely you do not wish to journey alone...”

“It is exactly my wish.”

Justin stepped to the side as his master climbed down the carriage. He stood stunned for a while and was only pulled back to the present when his master began moving in the direction of the dock.

“Sir!” He hurriedly covered the distance between them and clutched his arm, throwing courtesy to the wind. “Surely this is madness! We stand in London, a city you know nothing about, a city you're unable to see! Now you sought to journey to Italy and without a valet! You shall be robbed, perhaps beaten and thrown into the sea! You shall be shoved to the side or perhaps you shall manage to fall overboard.”

Justin watched his master's features closely, desperate to see a sign, any sign that he was getting through to his master. But the longer he stood there, the winds blowing against them and people buzzing about them, the more convinced he wasn't.

“And you shall take your hands off of me.” Lord Talbot's voice was steady, a dangerous underlying tone attached to it.

Releasing his hold on the arm of his master, Justin stepped to the side, knowing fully well he would regret his actions. He stood still and watched as his master maneuvered his way through the crowd and into the ship that would take him to Italy.

Copyright © 2018 Lily Orevba All rights reserved.