Finding Him

53l Are You Blind, My Lord

A loud silence settled over the dinner table, Daniel's eyes shifting from Helena's full plate, to her folded arms, to the frown on her face. It was obvious from her stance that she was once more, going to refuse a meal simply because it had been prepared by Hadassah.

Hadassah sat across the table from him, her head bowed as she picked at her food. Jason on the other hand, sat making a mess of his dinner.

Daniel sat watching, knowing he couldn't be caught doing so for Hadassah believed him blind and he hadn't seen the need to correct her, not yet anyway. A part of him still feared he would wake up to find her gone or to find that she was in love with his brother. He knew he would need to tell her eventually, when the time was right, when his children no longer viewed her as a stranger and in Helena's case, an enemy.

"Pa, would you sleep here with us?" Helena's green eyes pleaded as he readjusted the covers. "Perhaps I shall have another nightmare."

A frown settled on his face as he stood staring down at her. He had been made to spend an entire week in her room because she insisted she was having nightmares. But as he stood considering her request, his eyes searching hers, he knew it was her ploy to keep him away from Hadassah.

Sighing softly, he placed himself on the edge of the bed. "I love her, Helena." Her lips fell open in protest, but just as quickly, she closed them and folded her arms, a frown on her face. "You haven't had nightmares in months, I am certain you shall be alright and if not, Jason's right here." He motioned to the sleeping three year old. He sat still for a few seconds, staring down at Helena's bowed head and waiting for her protest. After a while, he rose to his feet. "Sleep well, Helena."

Turning from her, he made his way to the door.

"Does she love you?" Her soft whisper drifted to where he stood by the door.

Turning to her, "What?"

"I know you love her, father, but does she love you in return?" He stood still watching her for several seconds, considering her question, a question he wasn't sure he held the answer to. Helena's frown deepened. "We need a mother, but I want her to love you, to make you happy because you need to be happy, Father." Tears slipped down her cheeks and he hurriedly covered the distance between them and pulled her into his embrace. Her small arms curled around his neck, her head settling on his shoulder.

He held her close, listening to her sobs until it was silenced completely. Placing her on the bed, he kissed her goodnight and made his way to the bedroom he hoped to share with Hadassah for the first time in two years.

✴✴✴

Dark clouds spread across the heavens, devoid of stars or the moon to brighten the earth beneath. The soft breeze ruffled the leaves of the trees, forcing many to disconnect from their branches and fall to the ground. Silence filled the air, a deep sense of loneliness burying its fangs into Hadassah's heart as she sat still on the stairs of the front porch, eyes fixed on nothing in particular.

The silence of the evening was in sharp contrast with the tumult that was within her. The agonizing feeling of emptiness gnawed at her heart until she was fighting to keep her tears from falling. The harder she tried to make this her home, the clearer it became that she didn't have one. Daniel had managed to build a home without her, a home with two children who neither needed nor wanted her around. She was the intruder, the one who wasn't welcome.

She folded her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. It was nearly four years ago, on a night like this, on a porch, Daniel asked her to marry him. There hadn't been a need for his request, but he had gone ahead to do it anyway. She knew then he didn't love her and she wondered now, seated on the cold porch alone, if he did. She had asked herself the exact question since the day she arrived Rye a week ago and every single night she laid in bed while he slept with the children, she wondered if he loved her. She would convince herself she didn't deserve love in order to fall asleep, but she would wake up every morning desperately desiring it and weeping.