Wingman

Mask Parties

Chapter Nineteen

Whitey was close to me a couple of days ago. My dealer Bob came for a visit at Jin's when all were asleep...I asked him to. When he came, in a hoodie and with red eyes, I changed my mind and shooed him out as if he were some wasp at my can of pop.

Speaking of wasps, I saw Oki around campus a lot during the week. Every time he tried to walk over to me, I walked away with just a shake of my head. I didn't shake my head to be dramatic, I swear—it was more so to let him know that I wasn't ready to talk or hear any excuses his problematic ass would bring. But who am I to judge right? My picture is smack under the bolded word 'problem' when checking out the dictionary in any fucking country.

Wait. I shouldn't swear anymore, it's getting out of hand these days. I swore while getting into my tank this morning. My pits stink, I haven't showered for five days, and I've been running track every other period. Even if I wanted to go out and fuck everyone I see for some stupid remedy purpose that never worked, no one would get close enough without throwing up.

So Thursday, I went to Jin's and used his shower. When the man saw me with brighter eyes, wet hair, and fresh clothing, he slapped his hands together and grinned before praying to the sky dramatically. I jabbed the back of his knees with mine and watched him fall into the counter with a roaring laugh. Shaking my head, I opened the fridge and contained a laugh of my own. Jin and I had gotten closer and it had only been a week and a half since finding out...

Friday, I met up with Yoongi and smiled more. He was tried this day but made the hours with me work. I could see the worry behind his eyes even if he didn't admit to it. When he bought me ice cream and we climbed up Jin's building to the roof, I stared over with my feet dangling off the side. I thought about jumping. But didn't. Instead I ate my ice cream knowing I'd regret not tasting all of it mid-fall. "Ending it won't stop the pain, trust me," he mumbles. I guess I had stared down to the pavement for too long. With a sad smile, I went, "Technically, if I end it the pain would stop. In conclusion to your pathetic preaching: I don't trust you." With a smug grin, I ate the last spoon of my ice cream and watched Yoongi grumble under his breath.

The weekend always used to be fun, even when I'd have horrid days. Being sad didn't come in the way of irresponsibility. But this Saturday was shit, absolute shit. I'm swearing again but that's only because the anger, sadness, and helpless I felt from yesterday caved in stronger this day. I saw Jimin and Jungkook in the hallways when I found the courage to attend my night class. The day went fine, but seeing them laughing so loud only to stop when catching a glimpse of me? That shit was shit. I waved even though I knew they wouldn't wave back.

Then the weekend took a weird turn. Sunday, the last break I had for myself before my third week of classes started full, this was my last. Finals approaching, the most to make it out alive for these next classes was all I needed to strategize even though my social life had gone to hell and back. Shaking my legs and pinching my skin, I nibbled on my lips a lot when I craved whitey. Instead, I smoked pot and found myself to ease down. Jin caught me in the morning once and sighed. The face he held looked like a disappointed parent, the man sat me down too!

On my bed and hugging my pillow to my naked chest, the blunt was taken from my lips while Jin said, "They ain't bad until you start to depend on them for distractions. If you can't be happy without them, you don't deserve them." I smiled a little. He had a point. A point hard to live by when helpless and shaking at night in thoughts...

That wasn't why my Sunday was weird though. I went outside for a walk after Jin suggested it. In a hoodie, an oversized bomber jacket, some pajamas, and Hoseok's boots, I went to the convenient store and skipped the alcohol section. Straight to the magazines, chips, and pop. The cashier looked at me hoping to find red eyes to justify all that I was buying.