We Both Know Hearts Can Change

To all the people out there who absolutely adore their defective doll

I let Dean in the room because I was afraid he would fall. And I was not going to pick him up. He dragged himself to the couch and sat on the armrest in silence.

''Having trouble sleeping?'' I asked.

Dean nodded.

''What's going on, Dean?'' I mumbled.

He sighed and it smelt like liquor.

''I wish I knew what you see in that guy.'' He slobbered.

Why did everything have to be about my relationship with him?

I shrugged ''I don't know what to say, we're in love. '' I lied. I thought that repeating it would have made it real.

''No, you're not. '' He laughed.

''Excuse me? ''

''You may be fooling him, darling. But guess who's been watching you since day one... I know you. '' Dean whispered.

It was true. He knew me and he was right about my feelings, but I couldn't tell him.

''If you believe what you said, then you don't know me at all. ''

My answer seemed to annoy him, so he rubbed his face and replied in a drunken-pleading voice.

''What's the point in lying to me?! ''

No matter how much I tried, I couldn't find anything to say, so I looked down. Usually my silence would have made him smug, but that time was different.

''I guess I can't demand any truth from you, if I don't speak it myself, right? ''

I nodded weakly. Then he took my face in his hands. Either he could move very fast even when he was wasted, or my brain was too slow from the lack of rest.

He planted a kiss beside my mouth and I found myself disappointed.

''Our first kiss has to be more than a stage kiss... or a stolen kiss. ''

Dean was still holding me and I felt my face burn.

''You came out with this whole 'first kiss' thing only after I got a boyfriend. '' I took his hands away from my face. ''It's ridiculous. ''

''It's not ridiculous, I'm insanely jealous! I can't stand to watch you being with someone else. The only reason why I have never told you how I feel, was our friendship. But now it doesn't seem to matter, since everything I do is part of some hidden agenda to you. ''

He was saying he had unexpressed feelings for me.

I realized how obvious it was that I felt the same, but if I told him, I would have messed everything up with Dolph.

''You're drunk. ''

''I may be, but you know for sure my mind is clearer now than it will ever be. ''

I couldn't help hugging him. That was the greatest thing about being with him. We could be our-weird-selves. We were both so fucked up. We understood each other's glances and moves. We were not afraid to show our weaknesses.

I started thinking about when I was a child. I had many beautiful dolls, but my favorite one was a defective rag doll. I loved her since the first time I saw her. I would soothe her whenever the other little girls would call her creepy. 

Suddenly it hit me.

Dolph was perfect: smart, handsome, enduring. But he was an ordinary beautiful doll.

The man who was resting his head on my shoulder that night... he was the rag doll. What I needed wasn't a perfect man, but the perfect harmony I already had, with that walking disaster called Dean Ambrose.

I still wasn't a cheater though, so I wasn't going to confess my feelings to him until I left Dolph.

Dean crashed there for the night... well the morning actually. When I woke up, he was still fast asleep. I decided to bring him some coffee because his hangover was going to be epic.

I ran into AJ she looked shocked.

''Shannon, we need to talk.''