The Perfect Boy

Don't Let go

I did not wake up at all last night. So, when I woke up in the morning, the first thing I opened up to was the sun blinding my eyes. Andrew was curled up right beside me. And I remember what happened last night. I was so embarrassed, but the panic attack was not the first to happen to me. It had been a regular visitor whenever I got too jittery, anxious or afraid, it would always render me helpless.

I remembered the time when in the tent we were sharing, I was gushing my feelings out to Ben during a school camp when we were in the 7th grade. No, I didn't tell him I loved him. I just tried to let him know this difficult emotion I was feeling, after all he was my best friend then. As I spilled my beans, I noticed the sudden uneasiness on his countenance, I detected disdain, so I was getting more and more anxious because I knew that he would reject me.

He did, after I woke up from fainting in what was to be my first of many panic attacks. 

Yes, there were other times. Michelle was there to rescue me several times in the 7th and 8th grades when my bestfriend-turned-bully and his bunch attacked me or just by my simply seeing them from afar was cause enough to roll my eyes upward.

I knew I was weak that was why I needed to be strong. I could not let people see me in my weak moments any more. Any weakness that I displayed would be done behind four walls of what was my bedroom,  in secrecy.   That was if I could gain my composure during the panic attack. But sometimes, I could not. Like last night when Osaka came over.

Andrew, my brother, was not a replacement for Michelle. Andrew was there all along. Even though he was younger than I, in many ways he acted like a big brother. When he was ten and I was twelve - well, our age difference was one and half years - he was the one who sneaked in food to me when I was locked in the basement after my parents found the gay sex magazines I had purchased. Andrew was there, sneaking in food and sometimes letting himself in the basement and accompanied me. Andrew had been by my side all along, accepting me for who I was.  We were very close as brothers.  We often cuddled ourselves to sleep.  So, I was not surprised to see him by my side with one hand over my waist.

Today, like in my other days, he was probably the only remaining solid rock would stood by me.

He opened his eyes and a smirk was painted on his face.

"What happened?" I asked

"As usual, you fainted" he chuckled

"Again? So embarrassing. How can I face him again?"

"Just invite him again. This time if you feel not calmed enough, take one of your anxiety pills."

"No worries. He did not think of you badly at all. I could look at his eyes. They displayed pure love and care. I had to shoo him off before he strangled you to death. He held you so tightly, you were running out of breath," he chuckled.

"And that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was not necessary, really," he chuckled further.

"He got the best of you, all willing and in total surrender."

My sky had just fallen on head.

"Never mind the squealing that came out of you while you fainted and he doing that to you, he probably didn't notice." I was blood red by then. I scrammed to the bathroom, not wanting to hear another word from my brother.

Andrew chased me inside and hugged me from behind. I let him do, I always like the closeness between us. 

"Let's do it right this time bro, don't lose this chance again as you have let go of so many already."

I gasped at his words, felt the tight embrace of my little brother who loved me to death and was squeezing the life out of me while I was peeing.