The Perfect Boy

A Burden Too Heavy

I reached the top of Cottonwood Butte after an uphill battle with my full tummy. Ben was there under the cherry tree, our usual place to meet. I took a chance to meet him.   I was desparate to trust him again.  

The surrounding looked so serene and he was perfectly nestled under it and it was a picture-perfect moment. I took my cell phone and made a few clicks before I approached.

"Ben"

He was startled because he was looking over the beautiful valley below and I was approaching him from behind. This was our special secret place here. It was hidden behind tall bushes. The small flat ground covered an area of no more than 200 squared meters. The cherry tree stood close to the middle.

"Hi.  Aspen." He scooted over the small mat to let me sit beside him; I did, keeping my distance, half of my butt was on the grass.

"You remember the last time we were here?" he asked. I shook my head, pretending not to remember.

"It was your birthday and your parents didn't give any wish to you at all. They didn't even bother with you when you sat in front of them on the dining table. That afternoon you left me a message not to look for you. I thought you were angry with me. I remembered your birthday. I was going to surprise you actually at 5 in the afternoon, but you left me that message. I took a chance and came here with a birthday cake in one hand and a container full of food and drinks in the other. And remember? I was in a clown suit . . ." he paused for a moment.

Of course, I remembered, how would I forget that moment, it was just that I thought that wasn't the last time remember.

"You remember all this, don't you?"

"Of course! I always replay it again and again."

"Continue," I asked him.

"We had a blast that afternoon. I didn't think that amount of alcohol could make us both drunk, but drunk we were. And then we watched the sunset on that side" he pointed to a place just by the ravine. 

"and looked at the town's sparkling lights for hours. You know, we didn't speak much that evening, but it was one of the most memorable nights of my life. Together with you. We spent the night here under the trees with the glittering stars as our roof."

"I remember. It was one of my most memorable moments too for me, but the image turned into nightmares when you left me. I had dreams creatures attacking me right here, while you watched me being devoured into oblivion."

"You did? I am really really really really sorry Aspen." He sounded heartbroken. His face contorted to display anguish and sorrow.

"Why did you do it, Ben? Was my being gay so bad to you that you had to abandon me? You know I couldn't be any other person than myself. Well, I tried for years, and even more after you left me and if it wasn't for Osaka, I would still be wearing masks, but that's another story to tell. You looked at me as though I was so despicable. I thought myself as being dirty and unworthy for years. I kept telling myself I should not have liked boys, no . . . no . . . I shouldn't have liked you the way I did.  I kept blaming myself.  Why, why did you do it, Ben?"

He looked at me with face full of concern.

There was a long pause.  His eyes had become wet.  I was too impatient to wait for answer. I grabbed his shoulder, I didn't care if I hit him right there and then. And for once, I was doing the punching. I punched his face. He let me; he didn't do anything.  He cried. And I cried. And let me.

"I am glad you are here. Because by being here at least you are willing to listen. I bore this burden for years. You have every right to know the reason."

And then, he started telling me his side of the story.