The Perfect Boy

Accepting the Guilty Verdict

When I regained consciousness, I was lying on the sofa. My eyes were focused on Ben who was kneeling on the floor and looking at me intently.

"Hi, Asp, are you okay?"

"I guess so, Ben"

"What happened?"

"I must have blacked out"

"Is it because the flowers, the gift and the letter?"

I shook my head. "Naaah.  I am probably too tired from lack of sleep.  I have that Chemistry project I have to complete."  I lied. 

"Well, you should take care of yourself, okay!" he caressed my upper gently. 

"Ok" I almost whispered.  He didn't have to know the turmoil. 

"Where the flower bouquet and the gift?"

"I put them on the table in your room.   Is that what bothers you?  I saw the letter was half-opened"

I didn't reply.  I knew any word coming from my mouth would be accompanied by sheer pain.

"Well, did you read the letter?"

"No, you know I wouldn't do that Aspy.  Even it was half-opened, I wouldn't invade your privacy, I put it back in the envelope.  It's up there in your room together with the flowers and gift."

I looked up at the ceiling trying to avoid his gazing eyes. They showed care and concern, but my mind was too much wrecked just by reading the first sentence of that letter.

"You wanna talk about?" I shook my head.

"I tell you I'm okay Ben. Really. What time is it. I don't wanna miss school."

He scrunched his face. "It's Saturday! You forgot what day today is?"  I could feel his care and concern for me.

I blanked. He tried to talk some more, but I didn't reply. I didn't register what he was saying; none of his words lingered; not after the first sentence in that letter came back to me.

The heaviness was too much; I just broke down and I felt as if the sky had fallen on my head.

Ben tried his best to console me. He wrapped me in his arms while kneeling on the floor by the sofa. I let him embrace him and tears started rolling down my face.   The piercing wound of losing someone I cared couldn't be replaced by the soothing balm he tried to apply on me. 

He didn't say anything; he just hugged me tightly for the first time since he left me all alone many years back when we were still best friends.  I didn't know what we were today, but I didn't feel repulsed by his action.   I remembered I longed for something like this for so many years.  Something that I was so accustomed to having and was deprived of when he left me.  

So, I let him. 

And, I felt a little bit relieved. I felt like I was cushioned by fluffiness of his heart as he hushed my stormy mind.

We spent the remainder of the day at my home.  We didn't do much.  We didn't talk much.  I guessed he still remembered my wanting to stay in a cocoon state whenever I was in some kind of trouble.   And I was glad he respected that. 

My parents were away, again.  Andrew was spending a week away for badminton state championship. 

Ben cooked lunch and dinner.  He wouldn't let me do anything.    

He asked if he could spend the night over.  I nodded.  And at 9.00 p.m. we hopped into bed, that bed that he was so used to sleep in.   The last thing I remember was when he held my hand and squeezed it gently.  Again, I let him.  And that way, we both fell into deep sleep. 

"I see him behind the glass window. I am up in a building looking down through the window. And I see him. Well, it isn't really him that I see.  People are carrying the coffin that contains his body. I just know it is his. I know he is dead. And it is my fault. My Osaka is now gone.  I love him so much.  My heart breaks and I gasp for breaths during the intervals when sadness popping in and out of my heart as I watch the procession from afar.

It saddens me further when I see devastated look on faces of the people who are near him. I feel so much remorse, because as much as I try to break the glass, I cannot. It is too thick.  My hands are now bleeding, but I cannot be there for him. I cannot see to his final rest. I cannot embrace him for one last time.  I cannot kiss him for the first and last time, the one he so much deserves.  I cannot do anything for the one who loves and gives so much. So, I just yell on the top of my lungs.

'Osaka, don't leave me please. I couldn't live without you. Don't leave me please.'

Over and over and over and over and over.   But I know my effort is to no avail, because they lift the coffin and slowly bring it down 6 ft. under.  Then darkness surrounds me. 

I scream and suddenly face an enormous size of a table. Behind it, I see a stern-looking judge with a gavel  in his hand. My hands we are cuffed and he hammers the gavel on the sounding block.

'Guilty of first degree manslaughter'

I try to protest, but the burden is too heavy to bear. So, I just let it go.  I do not want to defend myself.   One thing I know I should do is just accepting the guilty verdict.   That why I will see him soon."

That was when I woke up to the sound of Ben gently whispering my name and shaking my body.