The Perfect Boy

A Ray of Hope

"Bbbeeenn, wh.wh.whaat are you doing h.h.here?" There was so much uncertainty and anxiety in those words.

He stood there silently.  He put a finger on my lips so as to hush me. And there we were in the darkness for what seemed like forever.   I did not hate Ben, I was simply scare of him.   But here he was, creating confusion in me.

We both loved sitting together in silence. Sitting with someone and still felt comfort  and secure even in silence was a practice I had earlier on with Ben, that was why I was so accustomed to doing the same thing with Osaka. We were silent but we captured each other with our other senses. So, even I hadn't practiced this with Ben for years, I was brought back into that state even though I was perplexed with what was going on.

And I just watched him cried in front of me. I dared not move. He just sat there in silence while I was cowering under the blanket. The thing was I knew a person's heart just by looking at his eyes. And even in darkness, I saw the change in Ben's eyes. Those aggressive looking eyes ready to devour had become docile and held in them an emotion of regret. After what I thought was like an hour, he made a move which caused me to jump under the blanket.

"I am sorry, Aspen, I hope you will find in your heart to forgive me. I would do anything for you to do that. Whatever you wish." With that he disappeared through the window.

I thought I would never hear  my name mentioned by Ben in a tender way.   And yet here he was, with his voice that I found so soothing.   It was ages ago since I last heard my name mentioned in this way. And for the first time, I started hearing it again.  My anxiety subsided immediately.  Just as it had every time I heard him speaking to me in this way in the past.

I spent a sleepless that night. Funny thing a Ben could do or rather undo in a flash - years of torture were stowed away. After all these years, I thought to myself, he could hit me, punched me, made me bleed. He could lunged at me with those hateful name callings and curses. He could look at me like looking at something so detestable. But I could never hate him. I never did. Yes, I grieved. Yes, I suffered. Indeed, I wailed (of course with no tears falling). I agonized; I stressed out; I was in depression even until recently; I was suicidal. But I could never bring myself to hate him.

The person of Ben held treasures of immense beauty. He was the most macho of all boys and yet there was a very gentle nature in him that made your knees buckle.

Having known Ben for years, he was kind, he was pure-hearted, he was compassionate, he was loving. That was why when he turned on me after I told him I was gay, I was to blame me, not him. He could not have changed in just one day. He was the superb person that he was. And, there was no other person to blame than me and myself.

Now I face a time of closure with what had happened to us.  There was a ray of hope  of knowing his true motive; I was determined to talk to him and ask him his side of the story.

I was ready to forgive me.  

I was ready to call him my own again.