The Perfect Boy

Healing of Memories

"Huh? So it's because of Osaka? It's because you got jealous? You admitted your fault. You apologized because you wanted what Osaka has with me now?" I couldn't believe what just came out of his mouth.  This guy was unbelievable.

He stuttered, "d.d.don't get me wr.wr.wrong. Noo. Noo. Noo. It wasn't because of that. Hear me out please. After having been under counseling for years, taking pills for years and still not being able to get out of depression, I finally listened to what my shrink said. She told me that I had to send you away, to let you go and be happy with yourself. And your happiness wouldn't be complete if I didn't let you know. I was so selfish holding this in for my own good and never think for you. You have the right to know my side of the story, so you could have some closure, I guess. So, you could be happier than you would be if I didn't tell you. So, I beg of your forgiveness. I have no excuses. I did what I did, and they were all wrong. I wronged you. I broke away from you for my own safety and for that I am truly, truly sorry."

I still couldn't truly believe him because he mentioned some things that confused me.

"So, it wasn't because you were jealous, Ben?  Really?"

"Nooo. Well, yess, Nooo.  Well no and yes! Truthfully I was jealous yes, but at the same time,  I was happy to see you breaking out of your shell. I see that you finally are your true self by being with Osaka. I saw the times you spent at Cooper Park with him.   I play baseball there after school.   I saw the ice cream you shared with him at Arnold's. I witnessed you two embracing so intimately after you gave that speech two weeks ago. I saw that you were genuinely happy to be by his side. And by apologizing to you, I felt like I was delivering you from my hideous clutch to let you be finally free and into the hands of Osaka.

"Will you forgive me, Aspy? I know it is too much for you to forgive, but I beg of you" and with that he cried and cried and cried and cried for what seemed like forever. His arms were out spread and I let him hugged me tightly.

I didn't say much this night. It was just too much to take everything in. I needed to digest it slowly.  I was moved nevertheless. 

I said I didn't have any hatred toward Ben. And to today I still didn't. He always had a special place in my heart. He was my hero, my confidant, and it was for him my heart blossomed. Whenever I received maltreatment from him, I searched for that place in my heart and looked for the memories of good times when we were still close. Those memories were too good to be brought down by punches and kicks. For many years, I was caged inside that place where good memories remained, those flashes of time when a simple smile, a tender touch, a loving embrace or a mere look in the eyes from Ben for me were enough to make my day brighter. And for the first time tonight after many years, I felt free. I felt that I no longer needed to dwell on the good days with Ben, I didn't need to tarry and remain in that place of old memories any longer, I was free and I was ready to be the real imperfect boy that I was.