What Was Ours

1b. Time of hesitancy

I began to see Jin after work. It was hard because I had to be persistent. He refused to go on a date. Nor did he want to talk about the kiss. My presence at his workplace was constant— almost daily. Meanwhile, I was leaving things aside in my personal life that needed my attention. I couldn't let my professional life be affected by my rendezvous. The hectic period at work gave me an excuse to go unquestioned but how long could I do it for?

I needed to see some progress with the boy. He wasn't giving any signs of leniency. I had to push. It was time to push a little more.

"Jin, we've been seeing each other a few weeks. You've seen my persistency. I want more from you. I don't think I can just go on seeing each other without being more than friends."

I couldn't believe I was doing this all for one night with him. He didn't deserve to be tossed aside but I couldn't be his friend either. It wouldn't be right. Right now, I had the strong urge to touch him, feel him with every fiber of my being.

He brung out the passion within me. I hadn't felt like this in so long. My wife hadn't made me feel like this in years. The fiery intensity was incomparable. I felt young again.

Could this be an obsession?

He was turning addictive. I knew I couldn't keep sneaking away from my responsibilities. This wasn't going to last long; I kept telling myself. One night would leave me satisfied. I could stop daydreaming about this ethereal creature.

"Jungkookie, I don't know what to say. I haven't been in a relationship in so long. I need to concentrate in my studies. You're a distraction...I can't." He was trying to convince himself because I knew he wanted to be with me too.

"Just one date! That's all I'm asking for. Today, after work? If you don't want me to come again, then I won't. It won't be bad. Please?" I dared to beg.

"Okay," he said hesitantly. I could tell he was questioning himself. It looked like he was going to say something but instead turned around and left to finish his shift.

I only waited half hour for him to finish. I turned on my car and waited near the employee exit. The car was warming up but I was shivering. It wasn't due to the cool air felt out here but my nerves.

Shit! This was actually happening. I'm about to do this. Fuck! I know it's wrong and I could step back before anything happens. But it already did. In my heart, I have already sinned.

He stepped out with a container of food. He looked at it and then up at me.

"I assume you're taking me home." He lost all color from his face. He knew what I wanted. Maybe he wanted it too but I felt bad. I felt like I was forcing myself upon him. I only nodded, not knowing what to say.

"I hope you don't mind the bar food. I have nothing at home." He said as he stepped into my car.

"It's okay. I've been living of it for weeks now." I tried to joke around to ease the tension.

"Yeah," he whispered. I closed the car door and proceeded to go to the driver's side. My heart was pounding. I inhaled before stepping in.

The drive was quiet. The radio was silent. I had forgotten to turn it on. The tension between us was felt. It was hard to breathe. I'm not sure if it was sexual tension or just the nerves on both ends. It was probably the latter.

Once we arrived he led me in. It was the first time I was seeing the inside of his apartment. It was not a high end place. His apartment was in the low-income side of town. It seemed fairly quiet but you could see it was in poor conditions. And as we stepped in I saw two men staring at him— I didn't like it. Their eyes were raking his body.

I pushed him forward and rested my hand on his back. Making it known that they shouldn't dare try anything. He wasn't alone. It's a lie but they didn't need to know that.

The inside of his apartment was small. It was a studio apartment. There was no walls separating the living areas. The bathroom was the only "room". That's the only place that had privacy. I couldn't help but look around.

I wasn't disgusted but I wasn't pleased. How could he live like this? He barely had the minimum. There was no television. He only had a laptop on a scrawny looking desk. This wasn't what he deserved.

"Don't look at it like that. I know it's not much but it's all I can afford." He surprised me by speaking up. I had made it too obvious. He looked at the ground.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. It's just..." I cut off. I didn't need to say anything. It wasn't my place to. "How about we eat?" I tried changing the subject.

He nodded and went to his kitchen cabinets to get some plates. He divided the food in the container. He really had nothing. I'm ashamed to say I didn't even think to take him to a hotel. It would've been less painful. There I could've ordered us room service. We would've avoided this awkwardness.

He took off his jacket and hung it up. He went to get some lemonade and served two glasses. He wasn't smiling like always. He sat next to me and ate without saying anything. I ate too. The food was hard to swallow.

Once we finished, he took our empty dishes and put them in the sink. He came back and sat down again. He patted his knees unsure of what to do. He was nervous. I was nervous.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this." I said. He looked at me surprised by my statement. He looked hurt. It wasn't him nor me.

"Let's do this again. Let me take you out. We can't. Not here. It's not because I don't like it but because you deserve better." I took his hand and pulled him up with me.

"I'm tired of hearing those things. I can't have any better. I'm a full-time student, I work part-time and barely make ends meet. That's my truth." He took his hands out of mine. "This is all I will have until I finish my career. Don't act like you're going to stay. You won't. I can see it in your eyes, Mister Jeon. It's all in the eyes." He finished with a whisper.

"If you believe that, then let me give you what you deserve. Let me show you what your life should be like. If only for tonight." I pulled him closer. I looked down on him. I pushed his bang aside. He finally looked up at me.

"Just be honest Mister. Will it hurt when you leave?" He was already in pain. His doe eyes are innocent. He was innocence personified.

"I don't know. That's something I can't answer for you. Would you care to find out?" I was speaking softly but the words were not in my favor.

He remained silent. I continued to stare at him in awe. This might be the last time I see him.

"Okay."

"Huh?"

"I said, okay. You just have to be gentle with me." I nodded.

"Let's grab your jacket and go."

This was going to happen. I was about to become and unfaithful husband. The adrenaline that courses through me was enough for me to forget everything else. I wanted this boy. He wanted me. That's all I need, for now.

June 4, 2018