I had been looking for a job in my spare time. It was unsuccessful. I kept getting turned down because of my appearance or lack of experience. I understood but it wasn't fair. I needed the job and I was willing, why didn't that count? My time had to be carefully divided between school, work, and my studies. Even if I stayed extra hours, at the bar, I didn't make the money I needed in order to start again.
Every night I came back to the apartment afraid to find him. I'm afraid that he'll kick me out once he finds out I'm trying to get away from him. Part of me knows that I can't go far. He just did his job perfectly. He caged me in this beautiful home which I seem to have freedom but it's only a mirage. It's not real because he will always have power over me. Isn't this what he wanted?
"Jin?" I hear his voice as I step inside the apartment. I'm afraid to look up. When I look up I see he has my luggage and my backpack by him. Those are the things I had prepared for when I leave. The only thing going through my head is "he's going to kick me out". I'm ready to cry.
"You want to leave? I come home to see you and find that you've packed and are ready to go." He opens my luggage to see that I had packed the very little I had.
I run over and try to take my luggage bag. My tears are probably running down my face. I can feel the sobs starting to form. I want to hold it in but I can't. My heart is beating fast.
I feel him hold me. I tumble down on the floor. This time I don't hold back my tears. I start to sob loudly. I can't pretend that I'm okay. I can't pretend that his actions aren't confusing and hurting me. I let him weight me down against the floor.
I can hear his voice but it's not coming through to me. I can't make out a word he says. I'm not sure if he still has pressed me down on the floor. The pressure on my chest is too much. I'm trying to breathe as my crying gets worse. I never experienced this. Am I having a panic attack? It is then that I panic. I don't want to die. I concentrate on breathing. I try to concentrate on myself.
I'm not sure how long it took me but it felt forever. I still didn't feel myself but I was able to make sense of my surroundings. I can feel his arms around me. He's hugging me and caressing me.
"Jin? Are you okay?" He asks. What am I supposed to answer. I don't move because I'm not sure my body will respond. "Let's go to the hospital. I'll take you."
I felt him pull away. I got scared when he did. I held onto him. I needed to know I wasn't alone here. Things didn't feel right. I needed to hold onto some sort of reality. He was real, wasn't he? He's here.
"I'm here," he whispered in my ear. I held onto him as he picked me up. I'm ashamed to hold onto him as if my life depended on it. He's all I have.
~*~
We were back from the hospital and we were both in bed. I know it's wrong but he's all I have now. There was a lot said by the doctor. I wasn't in the best condition right now. I hadn't taken proper care of myself this week, I did have a panic attack, and with news that I could bear children.
I didn't even know I could. Possibly, the reason why Jungkook has been quiet since returning. We both were quiet both probably thinking about what just happened. What if we had continued to have unprotected sex? I could've been carrying his child.
"Jin? Let's eat. The doctor said you needed to." Jungkook sat up from the bed. He was trying to encourage me to do the same but I couldn't. My body was too tired. I wanted to sleep.
"I'm not hungry," I said.
"You have to, Jin. You haven't eaten properly these days, you just had a panic attack—you have to take better care of yourself Jin. I can't be here all the time." He seemed worried but it could be my head playing games with me. Even that worry have me a little hope that things could change between us.
"Hyung? Make me yours," I whispered. I needed to fill this empty void I had. I was going to regret this later but I needed to feel. There was something within me that demanded some sort of affection. The only affection he could give me is when he takes me. My body and soul required affection.
I'm scared.
He looked at me for a few minutes. He was quiet while he tried to make sense of my words. I, myself, have a hard time comprehending my mind at this moment. It could be the fear of being alone once again has taken over me. I needed him to make me feel needed, wanted, desired, and even loved.
He laid down hesitantly next to me. His hands reached out for me; he was afraid. I could see it in his eyes. After, seeing that I hadn't pulled away he came to me with less hesitancy. He took me in his arms. Those arms that were once like a warm home welcome took me. I let him kiss me, I let myself kiss him back.
I let my body react as it pleased with him. I didn't want to think, I just wanted to feel. In those moments, where I felt our bodies together- skin to skin, in intimacy...it wasn't what I needed. I felt emptier than before.
I let myself cry because I couldn't pretend that I was okay. This was not okay. This wasn't right. I'm ruining myself just to be a moment with him. How long does this moment last? Not long because I'll never be his priority.
He stops when he hears me crying. He opens his eyes to see that I've got tears running down my face. He pulled out and laid next to me. His hand reached out for me but I pushed it away. I got as far from him as I could.
I couldn't do this. This isn't me. This is not who I want to be. This is not what I wanted. Why am I love with him?
I don't know how long it was until I heard him get up. I turned around to see him get dressed. He was leaving me. He can't! I need him here. The tears start to form again. I can't voice my desires and needs because I'll surely choke.
"You need time. I'll come back tomorrow morning to check up on you," he said once he finished dressing. He was in front of me. He wanted to touch my hair, I could see. But he didn't and I wanted it.
"I'll be near by, call me if you need anything. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" He looked at me for some sort of response which I was unable to give.
I didn't want to beg him to stay. I wanted him to stay because he wanted to. Because he needed to know I was okay but I'm never going to be that important to him. He just stood up and left me there.
I'm alone again and I'm afraid.
July 30, 2018
Sorry, I didn't update last week. I had written a chapter down but I wasn't satisfied with it. So I wrote it again and again. I think, this is much better than the ones I had prepared last week.
Let me know your thoughts! Comments and votes are welcome 🤐
आप पढ़ रहे हैं
What Was Ours
फैनफिक्शनHis silence was louder than words. I was bursting out in tears. I was trying to hold back the sobs that were forming. There it was stuck in my throat without a way out. I was going to choke in my tears. I didn't want to be seen like this. This was a...
