What Was Ours

1h. Reasoning

"Do you like it?" I pushed him inside the apartment. He looked around and turned towards me.

"Jungkook?" He spoke softly. His words were almost a soft whisper that could be carried by the wind. Thankfully, we weren't outside in the noisy streets for it to happen. Luckily, he was with me, while he held onto my arms.

"Yes, it's for us. I know you are hesitant to move in with me but I think we know each other enough for us to move in together." I answer his unspoken question and I hope he's okay with this. This may be moving too fast like he said but this was going to last too.

He didn't say anything and I didn't dare interrupt his thoughts. He needed to look for himself to be convinced. He began to wonder around. He didn't stray far from me. He looked at the stairs and looked up to see the second floor.

"It's our home." I hugged him from behind after setting down our picnic basket on a table. "Want to go look?" I kissed below his ear.

"Jungkook...hyung? You, you know how I feel— it's not right. This is too fast. We can't." He said without removing his gaze from the second floor.

"It's yours. I bought this for you, for us. Were not moving too fast. You'll stay here and I'll stay once in a while when time permits me. Things will be just like when you lived in that small studio. Nothing will change," I reasoned.

"The more reason I should refuse. I would except if you'd live here too. It would be easier. This place is yours." He turned to hug me. It was a hug which spoke more than words. Words which were making my guilty conscious make accusations due to my lies. One day I'll have to let you go. And it will hurt. That answers the question which you asked me that first night.

I didn't say anything. I hugged him back. He deserved to be at peace, comfort, arms that will surround him whenever he needs it. He deserved to be loved, someone to protect him— someone willing and free of compromise. I'm sorry it's not me who's giving you these things you strongly need.

I showed him around. First, the first floor which had the kitchen, pantry, living room, dining room, a small room, and an office. The second floor had three bedrooms, and a balcony which led to a patio. There was a small greenhouse which could house plants or guests. An outdoor patio set was set nicely and lively.

It was an apartment which exceeded my expectations but none of its qualities were what made me love the place but Jin's eyes filled with excitement. I bet he was already making scenarios in his head of what he could do with such a place. It was the size of a decent house.

"What do you think? It's just for you." I faced him. He looked at me then hugged me.

"I want to but I can't. I shouldn't. I want to..." he said.

"Then move in. Don't think about it. It'll be better for you. You don't have to work at the bar, it's closer to your school. Which by the way you're doing great. I saw your grades and you could do much better without the stress of work and materials. Here you got everything. I can give you anything. You've got me close by: it'll be easier for me to visit you." I tried to think of all the benefits I had listed in my head to persuade him to move in.

He thinks about it. He looks around again. I know it's only a matter of minutes or seconds before he decides that I'm right. This is what we should do. That this is the right thing to do for him.

"Alright," he sighed. "I hope I can see you more, now. But I still need to work. I have school expenses. Before you say anything, I can't let you pay for everything. You've been a great guy helping me out but I can't pretend that I don't need things. I don't want to take advantage of you. I would like to say that I can give you half of the rent or pay for this apartment but I know I don't make that much. So, let me work.

"I need to earn the rest. School pays for most of the materials. I just need money for." I interrupt him.

"For nothing. You don't need to work. I make enough for us to live well. I will always make sure you're well fed and stocked up on food. I'll try to be attentive with what you need with school. Have you noticed the office has a new laptop? That's for you. You need it. Now, I suggest that you move in with me and stay with me.

"I barely see you because you work so late. It'll be easier if you didn't have to waste time with work. Come on." I kissed him, I caressed him. There had to be a selling point. I would like to think that it's now.

"Hyung!" He screams once I kiss his neck.

I know I'm using his affection towards me for my benefit. He won't be persuaded easily. So, I'm using this as my last resort.

~*~

Waking up next to him has always been a joy. Today, it wasn't any different except we were in our new home. He had accepted to move in. We had already made use of the master bedroom.

"Hyung?" He yawned. He reached out for me. It was the first time that I was actually seeing him wake up.

"Hyung is here." I combed his hair with my fingers. He hummed in approval. He stayed there and moved closer towards me. I smiled at his cute gestures.

"I have about half hour before I have to get ready for work. Let's have breakfast." I whispered by his ear. He looked so adorable that I wanted to stay in bed all day. He looked so comfortable and at peace, I wanted the same experience.

"You're here," he whispered.

"I'm here. Let's have breakfast." I kissed his face and tickled him. He needed to wake up.

I got this place so we can spend time together. Even though, he slept like an angel sent from heaven, I wanted to also enjoy his company. He was the reason I'm straying away from my own life.

He giggled and tried to push me away. Now, I didn't have to worry about him falling off the bed. I could tickle him to hear those adorable squeals, squeaks coming from his mouth. Those that long ago seemed strange and unearthly were now what my ears needed to hear from him.

He was happy. I was happy. There shouldn't be anything wrong but there is. Because not all those good things never seem to last forever. Seeing his happiness made me stop the tickles and again found myself admiring him. I should come clean and I planned to come clean but I couldn't because I want this happiness to last longer. I want to be happy too. I want to be like him—carelessly happy.

I can't because I'm a bad liar. I know I am.

I kissed him. I carried him off with me. I would try to enjoy these moments for as long as I could. One day I'll have to come clean but it is not today. I can't help but be selfish and want what he has. He's free of any guilt and innocent. I envy him.

June 30, 2018
Sorry, I didn't update earlier. I, also, wanted to say that I'll be going on vacation this upcoming week. I'm not sure when I'll update again...maybe this weekend or in two weeks.