His silence was louder than words. I was bursting out in tears. I was trying to hold back the sobs that were forming. There it was stuck in my throat without a way out. I was going to choke in my tears. I didn't want to be seen like this. This was a...
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The truth will set you free.
If I was any other man this might be true but it's me and it's not. I'm the man who got pushed against the wall with nowhere to go. I went from one prison to another. This is where I started to question where I went wrong. The choices I make from this day forth will be heavily looked upon. According to them, I've made a "stupid" mistake by having an affair. Yet, I can't call that a mistake. A mistake is what I made many years ago when I chose to marry into this family. My young self was far too ambitious to weigh out the risks. There's many things I should've done. I had been too careless to care. I felt as if I could conquer the world but that world is too much for one person.
The signs had been there all this time. They were a clan far more ambitious than I ever was or will be. I was far too starstruck, ambitious, and greedy to realize the dangers of joining this family. In some ways, I was naive to think that I could handle being part of this family, that I could integrate myself eventually but that day never came. It didn't matter if I succeeded or tried my best to be pleasant with them because I wasn't born rich. I was just someone who got rich by using their connections, by using them. It was clear to me and to them as well. I would always be the ambitious man to them, the one who would try to get further in his career and grow his net worth.
Jeon Jungkook was nothing more than a piece in a game. In a game where only the innate rich know how to play. It's a game of deception, lies, farces, and vanity come to play. It's a list of things I've done. This is what I did to SeokJin. I was no better than the people I'm blaming for my unhappiness. The only one to blame was myself, in the end.
All I wanted was to give Jisoo my last name, have all my children know I love them and have them know they had each other. It was nothing but a far-fetched dream. In my delusional mind JiHyun would eventually find it in her heart to forgive me. She would understand that the children deserved to know about each other. They are related but not even close to build a family. I wasn't expecting picture perfect because I know my actions had consequences, people were hurt and tensions are almost inevitable. What I hadn't expected was for JiHyun to be spiteful. She holds so much anger and hate towards me and those who had any knowledge of my betrayal. I feared she would take it out on the children, yet they could sense a tension between us. My truth, in the end, had hurt more people than I anticipated. My children were also suffering the consequences. It wasn't just the adults. Worst of all is knowing Jisoo isn't allowed to be near her siblings.
Jisoo, SeokJin, and TaeHyung were not to be mentioned or even thought about. The world for them continued without hesitation. Taehyung made the best decision, when he decided to cut all family ties in order to be with his family, the people he loves. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision but it was one he wouldn't regret. I admire the courage he had when he took his stance. He didn't seem to waver. He was sure of his decision, he didn't go against what was in his heart. He's the type of person one should strive to be. It gave me peace of mind to know that a man like that was looking after my daughter and the man I love. It didn't mean I could easily let go but it brought peace knowing. I had to let go. I had to let go and not hold on like I have in the past.
This time around I have to not think about myself. I can't be thinking of my own happiness. It's time to put those I love above my wants and needs. I've been selfish for so long. I had to spend time with my three children and let Jisoo know I loved her no matter the distance. It was best if she wasn't brought up in this environment. It was going to take some time for some to heal and hopefully then I can see Jisoo once again. But until that time comes its best they go where they feel safe. My time sneaking around to see Jisoo was coming to an end.
I knew that it wasn't right to continue to put anyone through the stress. It was stressful because we weren't sure what the Choi family was fully capable of doing. I took the risk to see her because Jisoo is my daughter and it was so easy to love her. She's a part of me, a part of Jin, a child who is love itself. They continue to teach me even when they're younger than I am. I have to make time for those I love or I'll miss everything. I learn from my own daughter that smiles are precious and the memories tagged with them are just as important. My little flower reminded me to be a father above being a working man. It hurt to know that I couldn't built a relationship with my daughter but she was in better hands. I couldn't say the same for my other three children. Hani, Jeonghwa, JinRyun deserved better than me, better than the family they have now. Yet, I want to believe I had some character growth and I can change their fate.
Hopefully, I could be a better father for them. Show them the love they deserve. One day I'll tell them my story and how somewhere in this world they have a sister who loves them. Every action has its consequences. I'm not sure if they'll forgive me or even give me a second chance. I'm not sure if Jisoo will ever have it in her heart to forgive me for being weak. I don't know what the future holds but I can say that I will give my children my best and hope it's enough to raise them to be better than the Choi family.
I have the rest of my life next to my wife. I have all that time to try to raise my children to be good people. Mister Choi had been clear about my options: I could obtain a divorce but I would lose the right to see my children or I could remain married and continue to be with them. Consequently, I made a choice and it wasn't hard to make but I chose my children. I was losing one but keeping three. I had to choose and it's not something I'm proud of. I know this is all my fault but why did things have to come this far? I spent years worrying whether or not Jin and Jisoo lived. And now that I know she's alive and well, I have to let go, it's not fair.
Jin was right. We never had anything that was ours. We only lived on borrowed time but that's enough for me. For those few moments together brought me happiness and Jisoo. I may not see her grow up but I'll always wish her the best and lots of love. I'll be a better man so that one day when everything is behind us I can look for her. If we meet again I won't expect love or forgiveness. I just want to see her happy with that smile that makes her face scrunch up with joy. I hope to see that kind of happiness in everyone of my children. That's all I want to live for now. That's the only thing that can make my lonesome heart happy again.
Tuesday, January 21, 2020 It was hard writing JK's part because my head was all over the place. Like I feel like I could've done better but then I feel like it fits his subconscious??
