What Was Ours

4E. Easier said

The news of the new "Choi" family member was well received by everyone in the house, even the staff. They were happy to hear of a new heir to the family fortune. Such was the excitement of a grandchild that people of higher status knew about it from Hyungie's father. People who I hadn't even met had sent me, Hyungie, and our unborn child gifts. I was quick to realize their reason for joy but it wasn't something that I was happy about. My unborn child already had expectations which were embedded to him by his grandfather and others. Perhaps, some were already looking to be on Hyungie's good graces, in order to do business.

There was a lot going on that did not seem genuine to me. My mind could not figure out why people would sent gifts and well wishes to those they've never met before in their life. I had just come into Hyungie's world—a place he tried so hard to get away from. Was this how it all worked when you had money? Faking for the sake of appearances? What kind of future could my baby have when there's so much to live up to and so many people who didn't have their best interest?

I know Hyungie struggled to live up to expectations given to him by his father and family name. He talked to me about the expectations his father and family friends had of him and how it created some resentment towards his father. If he had a choice he would've been a Kim from the beginning: as to not be associated with the Choi name and be given pretenses, false hopes, false words. He wanted to prove that he didn't need the Choi name to get far in life. He managed to get his diploma with honors without using the family name to be ahead of anyone but he isn't happy. He won't admit his discontent of doing what his father wanted. Hyungie studied what his father wanted, instead of pursuing his dreams and inhibitions. He's trying to live up to the expectations of his father, will that be the same for our child, our children? I hope not. That's not what I want for them. I want my children to have freedom to make decisions, have choices, and do whatever it is that makes them happy. All I want is for my children to have good lives and for them to be happy.

This is the first time I've questioned if my marriage to Hyungie was as great as I thought it was. Hyungie was a good person at heart but in the end he conformed to satisfy his father. It was his father that made me question my marriage. It isn't fair for me to question it now. I should've seen it coming, shouldn't I? My brain is racking up so many ideas when I should be talking to Hyungie instead.

"Are you okay?" I turn to see Mister Jeon. It's the first time in a long time that I've seen him dressed down. He's wearing sweats, white t-shirt, and some loafers. The most noticeable aspect is his tired state.

"I'm okay," I say. I've come to the conclusion that I can't avoid him forever like I wanted. This man will always be a part of my life and history. My daughter perhaps one day will ask me who her real father is and I can't hide that from her. I can't lie to her.

"You don't look okay. Do you need anything?" He asked as he got the pitcher from the refrigerator.

I looked at his every move expecting some sort of action. I wasn't sure if I expected retaliation or some sort of caress from him but I couldn't let my guard down. Mister Jeon wouldn't dare touch me when we're in a public place. He wouldn't do it, right?

"I'm not going to do anything. I know last time I overstepped but you have to understand that I'm still in love with you. I want to talk," he paused. "Is there a chance that we can sit down and speak?"

"There's nothing to talk about." I chose to ignore his word of love because it's not real. He proved to me that our relationship wasn't based on love but purely based on desire on his behalf. Was there, really, nothing to talk about? The truth is that there will always be Jisoo between us. I couldn't keep her away from him, even if I tried. She trusted in him quickly and I don't know what's going to happen between them. "What is there to talk about?" I retract.

I needed to know his priorities. As a parent, I knew what mine was—my children. If he said something about us, then I couldn't accept him into Jisoo's life. If she wasn't his priority, then there was no chance for a real relationship between father and daughter. It's not like I'm expecting him to ask for him to be a part of her life but it would be nice of him to ask or try to be. She deserved to know him for who he truly was to her—her father.

"Jisoo is one of the things and the most important one. I want to know what happened while you were away. I looked all over for you. I thought you and our child were dead. There's so many questions I have. There's apologies that have to be made...I can't forgive myself for what I did to you. You two deserve the world and I couldn't even give you the little I could offer. I didn't provide anything for you. For all I know you two struggled and I'm not okay with that." He looks upset and apologetic. Yet, in my heart, I knew that we would always be second place for him. His priority—even today—was his family.

"We can talk about Jisoo but not today. I'm not up to having this conversation right now. I'm tired and you're sick. I really shouldn't be near you at all. Getting sick while pregnant isn't the best." I mumble an excuse. I had too much on my mind to deal with this. "Also, it's probably best for Hyungie to be present when this conversation goes down."

"Must he be present? This is between you and I. I don't trust him, he dislikes me. I feel like you're using him as a barrier between us. You can't hide behind him forever. We need to talk and what's wrong if you decide you still have feelings for me?" I can't decide if his voice dims because of his cold or his emotions.

"He doesn't need to be present but you have to understand that he's my husband and I'm not going to do something that's going to make him feel uncomfortable. I, also, don't feel right having a conversation that serious with you. I'll be discussing my daughter and decisions made about her—he's her father." I remind him. Hyungie's earned that title with her and I agree that there's no better fathers than the men who helped raise her. "This isn't a question of whether I doubt my love for my husband or not. It's a matter which involves the both of us and nothing more."

It's quiet for a moment and I'm debating whether I should leave the kitchen or wait the gruesome minutes to take the cake out of the oven. I don't even want to look at him but I do. I need to see him far from me. The timer goes off as if answering my silent prayers. I take the cake out after turning off the timer.

"I hope you understand that we both moved on with our lives. We did it separately and that was your choice. You chose to be with your wife and kids—you keep deceiving them. I've made my life and my daughter has too. We didn't sit and wait for you because I knew you'd never come. You're a coward and you still are. Maybe I am too for not facing you or anyone with the truth but I made my peace. You have to do that too." I say before leaving. He can't expect anything from me or my daughter. He's not willing to deal with the consequences even after all these years. I don't see him changing for the better.

He'll never recognize my daughter as his own and I'm okay with that but he can't expect me to tell him everything will be okay. Things aren't story perfect, life is real and it has its imperfections and problems. I try to face mine but I admit I run from them too but that isn't what we should do, is it? I just don't ever want to face the inevitable disappointment that Jisoo will have when she learns that her father can't treat her the same as her half-siblings. That would break my heart. There's so much that could break your heart and more as a parent.

July 15, 2019
I quickly proof read it because I'm not sure I'll get the chance to go over it properly this week. Have a good week 😘