The morning that followed was tough for me. I knew I had to come clean. I was thinking again about coming clean only because Jin didn't wake up beside me. He could be somewhere in the apartment but I remained in bed. I needed to gather my thoughts and some courage, if I decided to confess. I've been a coward all this time.
I could've said it from the beginning and avoided all this. Avoid being in such a mess. He could have been in his small apartment without a trace of me or here with me with some sort of arrangement. But that wasn't the case, I needed to fix this.
"Hyung! You're awake," he smiled brightly. I could see his perfect white teeth and the crinkles in his eyes. He was beyond happy. I could only lead that his happiness was due to our reconciliation.
My detailed lover brought me breakfast in bed. He arranged the tray beautifully with some of the flowers I brought for him. It all smelled delicious and I felt a pang of guilt. He was so good to me while I was being an asshole. He had been looking forward to our days waking up together and doing all the small things.
On the other hand, I was relieved to be here to some extent. Here I didn't have to worry about work or have my wife trying to be perfect. This was a place to have a type of detox from my toxic life. It could be better. I could tell him the truth and truly have nothing to worry about here.
"Jin? I need to tell you something. It's really important," I said before I even took a bite of the food. I wanted to sound serious, not nervous.
"Me too, hyung. I know we haven't known each other for long but," he blushed and took a deep breath.
Oh! Don't say it. Don't say love.
"Happy anniversary, hyung! I," he stopped. He let go of a handmade card and a small boxed present.
"Jin, I'm married!" At the same time, I screamed out in panic.
Fuck.
That wasn't what I thought I'd hear but I'm also happy I stopped you. I couldn't bare hearing you say those words which would truly make me feel like the worst person in the world. Unfortunately, I am the worst person you'll ever know.
"Kookie?" Your eyes looked into mine for confirmation. I looked down answering you. I tried to pull you towards me but you pulled back.
Your whimpers made me look up at you. Your beautiful eyes were filled with tears, cheeks tainted red, tears running down your beautiful face. I've done you wrong. And I want to cry too but I don't deserve to.
You got up from bed and ran to the bathroom. I tried to run behind you but got tangled with the bed sheets we shared last night, got soiled by the breakfast you made for us. I ruined it all. I tried to run after you but you were faster and locked yourself in.
"Jin, open up. I'm sorry. Look, we can talk about it once you're out. Please, let me explain." I waited for your reply. Nothing. I sat there waiting for you to open the door. I waited for almost two hours. In all that time, all you did was cry your heart out.
I was beating myself up mentally. I knew there was no pain I could feel which would ever compare to yours. You trusted me to take care of you, to love you, to cherish you but I failed you. I failed you in so many ways. I'm sorry, Jin.
When you stepped out of that bathroom you looked determined. I wasn't sure about the reason but I prayed that you wouldn't leave. I stood up and faced you. I wasn't going to let you leave. I had to say my side of the story and I know it isn't going to be to my benefit but I wanted a chance. How stupid do I sound? A chance? A chance to continue as your lover? I'm starting to sound pathetic.
I should just let go.
The sting on my jaw which spreads pain causes me shock. Your punch caught me off guard. I deserve it but I can't help to feel hurt by it. Feeling hurt shouldn't be a virtue for me.
"Jin, I can explain," I said as best I could with my hurt jaw.
"No! You lied to me! You made me believe you could be with me. I believed you. Now, I have no place to go." You started to cry again. "You took advantage of the fact that I liked you, and was naive enough to fall for your lies."
"Jin." I stepped closer to take you in my arms. You let me provide you comfort.
"Jin," I raised my voice as you were trying to pull away from me. I know I'm hurting you because I can feel the strength I'm using to retain you. I'm a brute.
"Stop! You're hurting me." You stop to struggle and cry in pain.
"I'm sorry," I say as I hug you. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Let me be with you, Jin. I know I lied but I don't want to let you go." You let your whole weight lean on me. You're tired of fighting.
"Why did you do this to me?" You cry against my chest. I set us down on the floor and let you cry while I gather my words.
"I should've said something from the beginning but I knew you wouldn't come with me. I knew you were too good to come with me and accept being a third party in an impossible marriage."
"Stop, I don't want to hear any more. I don't want your lies. I want to be alone. Leave me alone." You pulled away and laid your body against the floor.
"Jin? I," I stop. Fear comes into my mind. I'm afraid to leave you alone and come back to find you lying in a pool of blood or you gone from my life. I rather have the latter than the first but both are things I don't want.
"Hyung? I need to think. I think you have work...or family to go to. I want to be alone." I come closer and kiss your forehead.
"Jin, we need to talk," I whisper. I don't feel like myself in this situation. I've lost control of everything even myself.
"Please? I want to be alone. If you're not going to leave, I will."
He said sitting up and wiping his tears. Tears that haven't stopped coming down those beautiful eyes.
"Alright, I'll leave. Call me, when you're ready to talk. Don't leave, okay?" I was worried for the little guy.
He nodded and went to lay in bed. He looked so small and weak there. I dressed and left there without wanting to. He didn't even let me kiss him goodbye or touch him. He gave his back to me. I'm not sure what will happen but I'm sure it won't be easy.
I hope he calls me back soon because I can't keep away for too long. He's my drug. He's mine. Can he get over this and make me happy again? Selfish me. Why can't I be happy with what I have? I'm sorry, Jin. I'm sorry, I chose you but I chose you because you're the best anyone can ever have.
July 14, 2018
So part 2 will be next and that part...I'm planning this part to be Jin's point of view. I kind of divided this into three parts or maybe four...not sure. But I think you can probably figure out how it's divided.
Or do you think this should continue in JK's point of view?
Let me know because I want to post the first chapter of the second part this weekend.
YOU ARE READING
What Was Ours
FanfictionHis silence was louder than words. I was bursting out in tears. I was trying to hold back the sobs that were forming. There it was stuck in my throat without a way out. I was going to choke in my tears. I didn't want to be seen like this. This was a...
