What Was Ours

2F. Wrong or right?

I came to realize that hyung was possessive of me. He didn't like when I had people over. Specially, if it took time away from being together. I would try texting or calling if I had someone come over. It seemed like he immediately made an appearance after that. Slowly, I came to terms that it was better to do homework, projects in the library or their homes. It was uncomfortable for me to deal with it. It was starting to get strange.

Hyung started to came often. He was starting to appear almost every week. It seemed like he was putting effort to see me. That wasn't the case because he would take me and leave shortly after. It was starting to get lonely. I felt lonelier when I finished my phone calls home. I was debating with myself. I needed some company besides those of schoolmates and coworkers. At work, I was treated as a child, being the youngest. At school, it wasn't any different. I was relatively shy. I didn't really have friends at school.

The closest thing I have to a friend is Hoseok-ah but even then he's busy with his own friends and family. I didn't want to be a bother. I didn't want to detain him from those closer to him. Plus, the fear of being caught by him or anyone else— it was always at the back of my mind. No one could become close to me. I couldn't allow such a thing.

My mental state was probably fragile and weak. I was lonely. No worse feeling than that of loneliness and feeling of abandonment. I have considered to ask hyung to stay and have dinner with me or at least make him stay a few minutes longer. Invite him a coffee or one of the many drinks he takes when he's here. He'll usually mix those up while I ready myself for him. That in itself provides no company, no companionship. None whatsoever. It's messing me up.

"Are you okay?" Hyung asks as he gets out of the shower.

It's now or never. I know, if I don't do it now, then I never will. I'll forever doubt whether it's the right thing or not. No matter, if it's right or wrong, I'll have guilt.

"I was wondering what to cook for dinner. Do you want a beer before I begin to cook?" I didn't even dare look at him. Did he understand it was an extended invitation to dinner? Why is he taking so long to answer?

"Yeah," he answers. "A beer sounds good—before dinner." He sounds like the hyung I knew. He even looks it.

He gets closer and sits next to me. I run out of bed before he can see the blush in my face. Before he sees my pathetic state. The bathroom seems to be my go to place when looking for an escape. I wash up and dress before coming out.

Hyung isn't in the bedroom, when I come out. It makes my stomach drop thinking he left. He left even after I had asked him to stay. My hopes that he's still here are less but I proceed to check. There was only one place he could be. I come downstairs where he's already enjoying a beer watching television in the living room. He smiles at me. I nod in acknowledgement and make my way to the kitchen. I hate that I'm relieved that he's there.

My loneliness is what's making me do all the wrong things. Shouldn't my motive to leave this place be to find someone available only to me? Then, why can't I?

The dinner is quiet. I didn't know what to say, nor did I have anything to say. Hyung seemed to stay quiet; probably unknowing of what my reaction would be. In the end, it's an awkward dinner but regardless a welcome one. His presence relieved my heart for a short time. I had indulged in the impossible.

"It was a nice dinner," Hyung said as I helped him put his jacket on. I don't know what I was playing here but I needed a sense of belonging.

I remained silent. What I did was wrong. I'm taking him away from his family. Is it really my fault?

"Thank you, Jinnie." He kisses me softly. "Take care. I'll call you." He said before he stepped out.

I watch him step out. I'm longing for something that isn't mine. It's not mine but his wife—he belongs to no one. He does as he pleases. Is everyone like that?

Part of me wants to believe that not everyone is like that. That there will be good people who will love and cherish their significant other. Hyung, he's a different story. He doesn't respect his own marriage. If he can't respect that, then what am I to expect?

Nothing more, nothing less. That was going to be my life with him. I knew what to expect from this—nothing. Nothing he wasn't willing to give but it was limited. Limited because I wasn't a priority. Yet, it still hurts to know that things for me won't get better. They'll get worse over time. Eventually, he'll find a new lover and I'll be cast aside. It was only a matter of time for it to happen. So, it should be okay, if I stay. I'll stay until I'm done with my studies. That seems reasonable but I hope I don't break before then.

These are my thoughts but they haven't digested. It will take time for me to actually believe my own thoughts. He'll prove me right. Hyung will leave me for his next indulgence.

Still, I can't stop from loving him. I'll have to become strong to do what my heart can't. One day, I'll have an epiphany, a sense of righteousness and leave this toxic mess. How long will it be until then?

My phone rings with an incoming message. I go to see it's a message from hyung. Next week, I have a business trip. I want you to come along. We can do whatever you want in my spare time.

He just know it's my vacation time at school. Can he sense my loneliness? Would it be alright if I went? There's no right or wrong when I'm in the wrong. There is easy paths to take and the harder ones are usually that of good.

I'm sorry but I'm lonely.

Sure, hyung. What should I pack?

Because I can't do worse when I'm already here. Right? I can't mess up what's already broken.

December 10, 2018