Prose

LI

Untruth:

It feels GREAT to be down-talked! Do you know how wonderful it feels to be criticized?! Insulted?!!! By the ones you call your "family"?!!! Oh my, it feels WONDERFUL! It feels like I can do anything!! I can do anything I put my mind too because "I'm overweight"!!! Oh my Lord, that sentence never gets old!!! I can't eat after four hours because "I don't exercise"!!!! Why would I want to?!

I make mistakes like normal human beings, don't I? But, God oh God, does it feel GREAT to be told I'm stupid! Oh my! Such a wonderful, wonderful feeling!!! I cannot CONTAIN my joy when I am called dumb and brainless and useless. Oh, why, shouldn't every child feel this joy?!

Why should I cry because there's worse out there? Why should my sadness matter at all??? Why should ANYTHING that pertains to WORTHLESS old me matter to anyone?? It shouldn't!! I'm just too "soft"!! I need to man up!! Get tougher skin!! I shouldn't waste my life crying over these little things when there's SO MUCH MORE worse things!!! I don't matter!!! How SILLY of me to think I ever did!

How DAMNED STUPID of me to think I ever mattered, I ever did anything right, I was ever smart, or beautiful, or worthy of being confident or anything??? No no no no. I shouldn't be anything because DADDY KNOWS BEST, doesn't he? He knows I'm stupid! He knows I'm ugly! He knows I'm fat and lazy and EVERYTHING a daughter should loathe to be! "Where's the gap between your thighs?" "Your back wouldn't hurt if you lost weight!" "You would look taller if you were thinner!" "Good for nothing!"

Sorry I didn't wash the dishes. I deserve to be down-talked. I deserve to hate myself. You're right, daddy, of course you are.

July 3, 2014 3:12pm