Prose

(liars)

Letter to myself, age 9

I'm sure you've figured most of this out already, so I'll leave a touch of mystery to my words.

Sometimes, people (daddy) will discourage you. People will tell you not to turn your back on family, on the ones that birthed you and fed you and cared for you. But what will it matter when the one who fed you would rather you puke it up and lose a couple pounds instead.

Sometimes, people (cousin) will try their hardest to break you down. She'll make her funny quips and draw their mangled laughs and you'll sit there with tears in your eyes and words on your lips. "Stop it." Dammit, it's been years and nothing has changed. Nothing will change. Turn your back on everything that hurts you; never mind that it is immoral to the populous, you do what you need to hold your head high enough to swim through this sea of blood pouring from your own veins.

Sometimes, people (best friend) will ridicule you. God, you thought that maybe you could fit in somewhere. But the knife in his hand was buried in the vertebrae of your spine. Dammit, I'm not perfect. And I am not here to please you; I never was and I never will be.

Sometimes, people (teachers) will not watch their mouth as carefully as they should. Sometimes, people (strangers) will blurt out profane words that will stick to your mind. And you know you can't tell a soul; they'll only confirm it. Sometimes, you'll cry. Sometimes, you'll fall. Sometimes, you'll believe that this world was not made to hold a soul such as you and you will try and try and try to take yourself out.

But trust me.

While you sit atop your throne of successes and riches and pride, you can look down and you will see the souls that betrayed you, with the flames of hellfire peeling their skin away from their wretched bones.

They say you die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

With every word they uttered from stained, ugly lips, a bullet was plunged into your head. You died a hero long ago, darling, don't you try. Yet, you have a life before you, open and waiting with tapping feet and ticking clocks.

You can be whatever you please.

And frankly, you have no choice.

August 5, 2014, 1:14am