"You can't love someone back to life, Israfil." She whispered. Her chest heaved with desperation, her heart throbbing against her rib cage.
He shook his head, "You can try," Israfil responded softly. "Let me love you, Farah."
-
In a society of lies...
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chapter twenty seven - alexithymia
song of the chapter ; the man - ed sheeran
--
FARAH BIT THE inside of her cheek, turning herself from its position on Israfil's shoulder. The aircraft underneath them shook with slight turbulence, trembling her hands further. They were on their journey back to Palmdale in California, where they would take a car back to the packhouse. After her meltdown outside, she seemed unusually quiet, more than usual. Her mind was humming, her pupils darting around the aisles of varying businessmen and women.
"Are you mad at me?" She murmured lowly, unable to keep her words in her mouth.
Israfil turned his head towards her, his analytical silver eyes doing little to calm her nerves. "Yeah." He said softly, not appearing as if he were angry at all. Even though he was, he had to contain himself because the time wasn't right and he could tell she was sensitive at the moment.
Farah nodded and exhaled sharply through her teeth, telling herself that he had every right to be aggravated with her, and turned her face. "If you're mad, why are you still doing things for me? Why aren't you just ignoring me?" She didn't understand it, she really didn't.
Israfil looked at his lap once then back at her, swallowing hard. "Even if I'm angry at you, I'm always going to be there for you." He muttered. "No matter how mad I am, your safety is my priority."
Farah held her breath and managed to give him a tight smile.
Her guilt worsened.
She felt terrible. This man, who had done nothing but helped her ever since they had met, she had blatantly neglected all of his actions in the process of keeping her emotions hidden away. She had done his kindness injustice and had taken advantage of it. Farah couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he still hadn't told her to leave already. Had she been in Israfil's situation, she would've kicked herself to the curb already. Israfil had so much patience, so much integrity, and magnanimity for someone that wasn't deserving of it.
Farah moved away from him, resting her head against the plane window, despite the cold chill it sent down her back. She wasn't worthy of his benevolence, and as much as that hurt to know, she couldn't find it in herself to take something she didn't deserve. Without his body heat, she was almost shivering with her position, goosebumps on her legs and exposed arms.
Bemused, Israfil craned his neck to see why she had left her place next to him. "What's wrong?" He asked, eyebrows furrowed and concerned.
She turned towards him, her black, naturally glassy eyes looking at him once before lowering. "Nothing."
He looked at her, scrutinized her from head to toe, his gaze narrowing at the goosebumps on her legs. He unbuckled himself so that his long body could reach to the cabin and pull out his carry on, zipping it open and pulling out his hoodie. She watched him as he did so, a confused expression wore on her face. He sat back down, handing it to her.
She took it into her hands, staring at the warm green material.
"You're cold." He noted, "Wear it."
She thanked him, putting it on before she returned to her place back against the window.
"Why do you do that?" Israfil questioned, frowning slightly.
Farah looked at him, "What?"
"Push me away." He stated quietly. "We're not strangers, Farah, we've been through too much to just be strangers." Israfil almost sounded angry at her.
Farah shook her head, pressing her lips together with grim, not wanting to delve into the details. What would he think of her if he knew all of the things that were in her mind? She didn't want to imagine the disgusted look on his face if she told him about her past, all of the things that had happened. She coveted an alternate reality where everything was perfect, where she was perfect. It was delusional and unrealistic, she knew it was.
"When we get back, we need to talk." Was the last thing before he turned away.
--
After departing from the airport, Lacey and Alexander said their goodbyes, while Alexander vowed to make a call and schedule their discussed fight.
The car ride back to the Israfil's pack was one filled with silence.
No one spoke, and Farah daren't look at Israfil's face, as badly as she wanted to.
Why do you push me away? He had asked.
I don't mean to, she wanted to tell him. But instead, she kept her mouth shut and carried the conversation on in her head. Farah hated this, she hated that the man sat directly next to her made her feel so many emotions she couldn't even count them, she hated that she buried her true feelings so that not even she could listen to them anymore, but she couldn't find it in her to stop. It was just one big vicious circle of toxic behavior.
She fell asleep like that, leaning against the car door, body pooled in his green hoodie that smelled of clean linen.
