Home Sweet Home

curtainrod

"Your name is Russell?"

I started laughing, as I shook his wing.

He simply nodded, a surprised look on his face.

"Isn't that a good name?"

I was still smiling.

"So your name is Russell Crow?"

Russell looked irritated.

"No. My name is Russell and I am a ..."

"CROW!!!"

I nearly shit my pants.

Someone standing behind me yelled, 'crow'.

And then screamed like a little girl.

Russell flew up to the ceiling and hit his head. A single feather floated to the sink as he hit the medicine cabinet, managing to hold on, slightly dazed.

I turned around.

It was Calvin.

"Are you fucking crazy?

You nearly scared the shit out of me ... literally."

He was standing there pointing at Russell. His face was ghostly.

Seriously, it was.

A ghost with a ghostly face. Well, ghostlier.

"That is a crow," he sputtered.

"No shit. I know what it is," I barked at him.

I turned to Russell, who was now standing on the vanity.

"You okay?"

"Asshole."

"I only asked."

"Not you," he said, pointing his wing at Calvin.

"Dumbass there."

I turned back to Calvin, but he was no where to be seen. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something behind me.

"Are you hiding behind me?"

"Yes," Calvin whispered.

"Crows steal your soul."

"What? Are you crazy? Crows don't steal souls."

I looked at Russell.

"Tell him."

He shrugged his shoulders.

"Well we have been known to steal a soul or two."

"Crows can't steal souls," I snapped at Russell.

"And we can't talk either, can we," he snapped back at me.

He did have a point.

Calvin was still behind me.

"Will you stop that," I spat at him.

"Get out from behind me."

"But ..."

"Russell, will you promise not to steal his soul?"

Russell laughed.

"That dumbass. Not a chance."

"There. See. He promises."

I jumped aside, so Calvin was completely exposed.

Russell flapped his wings and cawed loudly at him.

Calvin screamed and disappeared.

"Will you stop that?" I barked at Russell.

"Do you know how loud that is?"

"He screamed louder," Russell snapped back.

He did have a point.

"Fuck."

I turned and walked out of the ensuite, back into the bedroom. I picked up my jeans off the floor and pulled them on.

Russell flew out and landed on the back of a chair near a desk.

"Where did the scaredy ghost go?"

I sat on the edge of my bed. My head was pounding.

"I need an aspirin or some ibuprofen."

I started rummaging through the drawer in the night table.

"I'll be damned."

There was a plastic bottle of ibuprofen. I looked at it carefully. It wasn't outdated.

I popped a couple in my mouth and swallowed them.

"Fuck, what a morning."

"Can only get better," Russell added, laughing.

I stared at him.

"Really."

I plopped backward on the bed and put my hands over my eyes.

"I don't know how."

A loud moan brought me back to a sitting position. I turned around. There was a man lying on my bed.

I jumped to my feet.

"Told you it was gonna get better," Russell chuckled.

He shit again.

"Will you ... stop fucking shitting ... on my furniture. PLEASE."

Russell shrugged.

"Where would you like me to shit?"

"Outdoors would be nice," I snapped, as I headed to the veranda doors.

Another loud moan stopped me.

I turned to the bed and then to Russell.

"Who the fuck is that?" I pleaded.

"That, my new, slightly confused, friend, is Baron von Curtainrod."