Blogger | Josh Dun

Part 35

It was sound check for the first show since the incident, and I was nervous beyond belief. The boys were on stage and I was fiddling with my camera, trying to stop shaking as all of my photos were coming out blurry.

"Lizzie? You've been standing still with a blank look on your face for at least five minutes and you didn't hear me calling you."

Josh was stood in front of me, a concerned look crossing his features as he pried the camera out of my trembling fingers. I hadn't even noticed the music stop playing, or him walking up to me.

His eyes softened as I looked up at him, noticing for the first time that my eyes had started watering of their own accord. Taking my hand, he pulled me into his dressing room and sat me on the sofa. He paced the room, grabbing a bottle of water and a blanket before covering us both in the soft fabric.

Josh faced me again.

"Lizzie, I think you're having a panic attack. Am I okay to touch you?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice, and shuffled closer to him.

Wrapping his arms around me, Josh let me tuck my face into his chest whilst he stroked my hair.

I obviously wasn't aware of my own body, as Josh pulled back and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Lizzie, I'm gonna need you to try breathing with me, okay?"

He tried to instruct me to breathe in and out in time with him, but it wouldn't work. My lungs wouldn't cooperate. My chest felt tight and my throat felt like it had closed up.

Realising that it wasn't working, Josh manoeuvred us so that he was lying down and my head was back on his chest. I could hear his steady heartbeat and his chest rising and falling, so closing my eyes, I imagined that his chest was mine and that I was breathing at the same time as him. Eventually, the tightness in my chest felt as though it was unravelling and I was breathing somewhat normally again.

"I don't want to tell you what you can and can't do, but if you need to, maybe you should sit out of this show?"

I sat up and blinked at him.

"I need to get back out there. If I don't push myself, I never will. What's to say that I won't feel the same tomorrow, or the next show after that? I need to get back into it."

"Stay near Michael then?"

I nodded, knowing that Josh was as scared as I was that I'd get hurt again.

—-
The show had started and considering that the boys hadn't done a show in months, the crowd was insane.

I was taking photos from the side of the stage, still wary of going near the pit. But after half of the show, I knew that I needed to throw myself into the deep end. Walking from the stage to in front of the barriers at the front of the crowd, I starting clicking photos. I could see Josh's eyes searching for me at the side, but when he looked to the pit and found me, his grin split his face.

Seeing him smile and being so happy on stage relaxed me. The pounding of the music and the screams of the fans filled my ears and my heart and I remembered why I was here.

This was where I was meant to be.