You Pour My Heart Away • Declan McKenna

Chapter Twenty - Seven

Too happy. I was ecstatic and enthusiastic, like a dog, hungry for a walk but being silently patient anyway.

We continued to roll, Dec slipped one strap of my petite dress down as he laid on top of me, barely putting any weight on me; he was careful. He wrapped his head and neck around mine, and gave me sweet kisses on the back of my neck and shoulders, pushing my hair out the way as he did. His fingers brushed through my hair simultaneously, causing my head to lol backwards as calm and loving sensations ran around my body. I smiled as he pulled away however he hid behind his hair, cute embarrassment so I assumed.

He turned his head sideways, still lying on me, and laid his head on my chest, just below my collarbone. He took a slow breath in and looked up to my face, wide-eyed, as if he was pleading for something.

We sat still, blinking in the silence for a long time. Now and again Dec would shuffle his head to a different position and we eventually got in sync with our breaths. But I didn't know what to think and doubts clouded my mind. Our atmosphere was different - not negatively, just...different. His behaviour before this moment was different. His desire was different. The love was different.

I wrapped my arm around his body and we laid there for a short while until I broke the silence.

"Dec" I said, with a slight whine to my voice but it was endearing.

"Mmm" He replied sleepily yet attentively.

"Shall we sleep?" I asked quietly, not to disturb his tranquility.

He nodded in reply and moved off me slowly without even opening his eyes. He slipped his jeans and shirt off swiftly and got into bed, almost zombie-like. He was obviously just tired. I tried to make myself believe that anyway.

I got changed into some warm jogging bottoms and a t-shirt and got under the duvet too. We lay in silence for about 2 minutes until I assumed he was asleep and turned over but he grabbed my waist gently and whispered

"Night wetwipe... sorry I'm so tired" and kissed me on the cheek.

He then turned over and within a few minutes he was breathing slowly and heavily, indicating he was asleep.

However I wasn't.

He's just tired

He doesn't love you

He's just tired

You're not good enough

My anxiety kicked in and I found it hard to sleep but I refrained from tossing and turning so I wouldn't wake him.

The last time I remember the clock being was 3:18, so I assume I was asleep soon after that.

I dreamt a nightmare.

*nightmare*

Mia and Dec were sitting together, on the table of a picnic bench in a public park, the long glass swaying, slow dancing. They were watching something on Dec's phone, laughing and smiling at the tiny screen which Dec held in one hand. His other hand draped over Mia's thigh and he softly smoothed it with his thumb now and again, his eyes still glued to the screen. It was like it was his subconscious telling him to do it, and I like a puppet, he did it. The video must've ended because he put the phone down by his side and rolled himself over her, still on the table of the picnic bench. She curled her leg over his and pulled his face down to kiss him.

I woke in a panic and I was breathing way too fast. My eyes searched for Dec next to me but he was nowhere to be seen. I spread my arm over his part of the bed. It was cold. I looked to the clock and it was 7:26, I thought I should probably get up, and so I did. I wondered downstairs and found Dec stood by the window, a bowl of cornflakes in his hand, spooning them into his mouth very slowly. I didn't say anything but put some bread in the toaster.

"Y/n" Dec said slowly, still facing the window.

"Mmhmm?" I replied

He fully turned round and burst into action. He was being so strange.

"Come on lets get the bus! We're gonna be late for schoolingsss" He said in a joyful manner.

"Aighttt waittttt I need my toastttt" I replied in the same tone but my mind was questioning what the fuck was happening.

So I ate my toast, got ready and came back downstairs to find Dec sat on the stairs looking sad and deep in thought.

I tapped his head and I played with a strand of his hairr. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

"Lets go" he said. I pulled him up and we left, I locked the door.

We walked in silence. We got the bus in silence and listened to our own music. His hand rested on my thigh and he smoothed it now and again, just like he did to Mia in my nightmare.

As we walked into school he kissed me on the cheek goodbye and walked off somewhere. I didn't really know what to do. I went and sat on a bench, alone and just comprehended what a had happened in the past 10 hours.

Something was up.

Something was wrong.

I sighed.