love. sex. dreams.

• one •

There are times when you just can't escape the darkness.
• • •
I was sitting on the floor of my new apartment, unpacking the last box for tonight - photo albums. Well, most of them are polaroid pictures I took through the years. I took a batch of them out, spreading them on the floor.
There he was; still haunting me. It said Los Angeles, June 5th 2017
I turned it around even though I knew I shouldn't have.

I love you forever,
your one and only, Carter <3

I tore it in half, swallowing my tears down, trying not to cry again. I couldn't. I have been doing it non-stop for the past month.
It's hard to live with yourself after the love of your life says they don't love you anymore. It's even harder to move on. Carter was my world, I belonged with him; right there in our cosy apartment we made a home. I didn't want to move on or stay by myself; I just wanted him.
Unfortunately those 5 wonderful years came to an end when he told me he simply fell out of love, he didn't plan it.
Like that's supposed to make me feel better. He insisted I move out and to be honest, it was the best decision I made. Staying there would just keep reminding me of the time we spent together. So I left. I went back home for a month, even though he said I can stay until I find a new place, but I couldn't; not even one more minute. I found a small apartment in this neighborhood near the projects and it drew me in, I have to admit. My apartment building has seen some darkness and I can relate; so I took it. It's very small, just enough space for me and my stuff, I don't own that much.

And here I was, alone again, unpacking and sorting out my belongings. It's been a hard month but I've strongly decided that I'm no longer letting darkness pull me in; I will choose to move towards the light. God knows I need it. And as my aunt Georgia said, I deserve so much more and one day I will find someone who will give me everything I need. She might believe it more than I do but still. I need a fresh start; besides, I'm only 25. Who am I to lose all the hope?

🦋

It was a warm Friday evening and I've slept for three hours after I came home from work. It wasn't that exhausting, I just haven't been sleeping much these past few weeks. Nightmares were occasionally present and I kept waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, then having trouble falling asleep again. But I'll live. I put some music on my bluetooth speaker and made myself a gin tonic. Two weeks ago I discovered that the door to the roof actually works, which is great. Stargazing is one of my favorite things to do. I've been up there a few times, alone. It was relaxing; I just laid there on my blanket and stared at the night sky, even watched the sun set twice. I tried not to think but when I wanted to cry, I could. No one would see or hear me.

So I went up again. Slowly sipping on my drink I was looking at the city lights, listening to the traffic when the door shut. I heard a male voice, rapping along to this Kanye song. I turned around and noticed a guy I've seen around before. He's one of my neighbors. He had his headphones on so I assumed he didn't hear me. When he looked in my direction and saw me, he took them off.

"Oh... I didn't realize someone was here." He said and took a few steps closer.

"It's okay." I replied.

"No one else ever comes up here." He said. "Hey, you that new girl, right? You moved here."

"Almost three weeks ago, yeah. I'm Di." I introduced myself. He approached me and stuck his hand out. I shook it; he was so warm, my hands were always cold.

"Rakim, nice too meet you." He smiled. I have to admit he has one of the most beautiful smiles I've seen.

"You too. You live on the 5th floor?"

"Yeah, 5D. You?" He made himself at home and took a seat on this block right next to me, sticking his cell and headphones in his pocket.

"I'm 5E." I showed him a little grin, didn't want to come across as a depressed potato that I occasionally am.

"Oh, girl next door. It's nice for a change. Some people in this building are weird as fuck." He chuckled.

"Well, thanks. I haven't met anyone but that lady from 4C, Carmella?" I said.

"Oh yeah, Mrs. Juarez... she's fuego. I like her." He adjusted his snapback. I just smiled back at him.
"So Di... interesting name. Is it short for Diana or..."

"Just Di." I explained. "My mom wanted my name to be as special as me." I joked.

"That's cool. Makes you different."

"Yeah." I sourly grinned.

"Was I interrupting you, cause I can leave if you wanna be alone." He must've noticed the sadness in my eyes or something. I feel like I've been dragging it around with me wherever I go.

"No no, it's okay." I quickly jumped in. "I could use some company, actually."

"Okay." He said and scratched his forehead. "You in a tough spot?"

"Sort of. I would rather not talk about it though." I replied.

"Got it." He finger-gunned me. "So Di, what do you do?"

"Well, I work with my aunt at her coffee shop down by the boardwalk. I make one mean espresso." I told him.

"Yeah? I'll need to check it out then."

"Sure thing; come by, I'll give you an extra donut on the house." I chuckled.

"You got me there; cause I just happen to love donuts." He winked at me and I noticed that I've successfully forgotten about recent events; at least for a few minutes. He seemed to take my mind off things and I liked it.
It felt good.