love. sex. dreams.

• twelve •

Cause no one will love you like her, it's pointless like tears in the rain.
• • •
I woke up with a terrible backache and rolled right back to bed after stretching. It's been a few days since Carter showed up at my door and I kept waiting for him to pop up somewhere else too. It never happened but it kept bugging me so I decided to call him later that day and talk, see what he has to say.

"You're overworked baby, standing too much." Rakim said as he was massaging me, trying to make me feel more functional.

"Yeah, I have no choice, aah, fuck that hurts!" I groaned.

"Don't move, it's supposed to hurt a bit, you'll feel better later, okay?" He kept on going and I thought I was dying. But he was right; ten minutes later, I started feeling better.

Rakim had some work stuff to handle so I used the free time as best as I could; I called Carter's number, it was still the same.

"Hello?" He picked up.

"Hi, yeah it's Di."

"Oh, hi." I was surprised he deleted my number so quickly; especially after what he pulled off the other day.

"Listen, I'm really sorry about the other day but you cannot just barge into my life after dumping me like that."

"Yeah, sorry about that, I was having a really bad day."

"You still want to talk?"

"I do. You have time later?"

"Sure, I'll be at the corner of 23rd at 6, that okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Okay, see ya, bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and got ready, wanting to get this over as quickly as possible. I got dressed and left an hour later. Carter was early, he was already waiting for me there, looking more nervous than I was. As I was walking closer, my heart beat faster; a guy I loved and spent 5 years with, was waiting for me, wanting something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to give him again.

He greeted me and signaled that we should sit down at the coffee shop just a few feet away. We did so and ordered coffee.

"So, tell me, why did you come back?" I got right to it.

"I wanted to see you; I think I made a huge mistake." He regretted dumping me and I saw it in his eyes but I wasn't sure what I could do about it.

"Yeah? How so?" I took a sip of my latte.

"I should've never broken up with you, I don't know what happened but... I'm so miserable without you there, the apartment feels empty." He told me.

"Yeah, I was asking myself the same question, how does one stop loving the other out of the blue?"

"I'm an asshole, please forgive me. I never wanted for this to happen, I, oh, fuck! Please Di, come back to me?" He almost begged.

I sighed loudly. "Oh come on, Carter... you know we can't get back together, it wouldn't feel the same and I'm sorry but I can't forget how much you hurt me; I don't think I can."

"It's that guy, isn't it, the gangsta." He lowered his gaze before looking at me.

"Rakim is no gangster." I cynically chuckled. "He's my friend."

"He's got this bad boy attitude going on, is that what you like now?"

"Where is this coming from? He has no attitude and he was the only one there when I needed someone, I was a fucking wreck, Carter." The tension was so high, you could cut it with a knife.

"Well I'm sorry and I love you, I want you to come back to me. I kept all your stuff, all our memories." I didn't want to tell him that I threw away everything I had, I burned all his things.

"I can't. I healed to a bare minimum in these past 4 months, I can't go back again, I'm sorry." I explained to him.

"Please, just think about it, just that. We can try and if you hate it I'm gone forever. Just give me one more chance; everyone deserves a second chance. Please, sweetie, I beg you, just try." A tear slid down his cheek and I felt incredibly bad; it wasn't an easy situation I was in. A part of me said no but the other part thought why not, it's not like anything could be worse, he already wrecked everything.

Then I thought of Rakim. He helped me and we have insane chemistry, a once in a lifetime connection, but he never mentioned anything about dating me. Yes we've been having sex for a while but I might end up alone if and when he finds another woman, someone he wants to be serious with, not a fuck buddy.

"Okay, I'll think about it." I said. "But I'm not making any promises."

"That's fine, it's all I'm asking, just think."

"Alright."

🦋

I was sitting on the bed, trying to start a conversation I've been thinking about ever since Carter and I had coffee; Rakim was next to me, browsing his cellphone and humming something. I turned over to him and started.

"I need to talk to you about something." I said.
He put the phone away and gave me his full attention.

"What's up?"

"I met with Carter today and he asked me back."

He was a bit surprised. "And..."

"And I said I'd think about it." I was so nervous my heart was thumping in my chest like crazy.
"I need you to tell me what this is, what we have."

"What do you want us to have?" He said and it made sense.

"I don't know, I mean I feel something but I'm not sure what it is."

"Well, do you wanna be with him?"

"Not really. Tell me how you feel about me, I need to know, please." I asked. "I don't want to waste my time or yours if it's not what I think it is."

He just kept looking at me but nothing came out of his mouth.

"Please." I begged.

"I don't know what love feels like anymore but fuck... this what we have, I've never felt that way before and I don't know what to call it. I just don't want to see you with anybody else, I need you here with me. Di, I want you."