love. sex. dreams.

• two •

All I do is kill pain.
• • •
I woke up at noon on a Saturday and rolled back to bed. It was just one of those days; I didn't want to face the outside world but I had to. My fridge was completely empty so running down to the store was crucial. I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I got up, dragging my ass to the bathroom. A cold splash of water hit my face like a hurricane. I flinched and let out a deep loud sigh. Looking myself in the mirror I put my glasses on and pulled all my hair up into a messy bun. I was in no condition to pretty up; All I did was grab my chapstick, applied some and went to get dressed. After opening the closet I pulled up a pair of my favorite grey sweats and grabbed a white tank top from the drawer. Yes, effortless fashion. I slid my Vans on and grabbed a bag, my cell and wallet and headed out. 15 minutes later I was back, put the groceries in their place and crawled back to bed. I opened my laptop and watched The Powerpuff Girls. As predicted I fell asleep. I also chugged two mini bottles of vodka right before that. When I woke up it was almost 7, so I made some pasta and took another two tiny bottles of vodka and headed up to the roof again.

There was no one there. I put the blanket down and took a seat. Every time I looked at the city I remembered that day when Carter took me to the Santa Monica pier. We rode the ferris wheel and had cotton candy down by the beach. When the night fell and people went home, we went skinny dipping and had sex on the beach. I felt another tear slide down my cheek. Lowering my head I started crying again. I fully realized that we are over and things will never be the same again but it hurt me. Sometimes I felt like I was going to die. My heart was completely broken, scattered in pieces and I couldn't do a single thing to fix it. I just needed to let it out.
Suddenly I realized I'm not alone. Quickly I wiped away the tears and cleared my throat.

"Hey, you alright?" I heard his voice; it was Rakim.

"I'm good." I nodded. Then he smiled and lit up the blunt; he passed it to me.

"Here, this will help you forget whatever you got goin' on. Trust me." He told me and I actually believed him; I've been friends with the darkness inside me for too long.
I took the blunt and puffed on it a few times, blowing out the smoke.

"Thanks." I said and lied down on my blanket. "Wanna sit down?"

He lied down next to me, puffing, then passed it to me again. We were just smoking, lying there in silence, looking at the sky. I liked how he didn't ask questions, how he just let me be. I remember my mom nagging me every day after the break up; Please tell me what happened, how did you get here, blah fucking blah. I just wanted to suffer in silence and get it over with.

"Here." I handed him one of those tiny bottles. "On the house." I made a little joke. We were pretty stoned already and I felt hazy; it was a change after all those depressing days and nights. I know drugs aren't the answer but it felt nice to just relax and forget about the world in a higher state of mind.

"Thank you." He chuckled. "These are like bottles for barbies."
I started laughing and he followed me right away.

"They are handy though, you can stick them anywhere, like this." I said and stuck mine in one of my bra cups by the side. "See, gone."

He chuckled and stuck his in his pants.
"Done."

We kept laughing and then he decided to put some music on. "What you like?"
He asked while he was browsing through his music folder on his phone.

"Uhm, how about some Kanye or Nas." I said.

"Ohhh!" He gasped. "Shawty likes some good music, nice." He played Kanye's song Everything I am first.

"Oh yeah, that's one of my favs." I said and closed my eyes. He was rapping along and I was just listening, hazy, feeling good.
We were up there for hours. I went to bed at 1am, which was after we listened to more awesome tunes and smoked another blunt.
It felt refreshing.

🦋

I woke up at 2am in cold sweat, gasping for air and panting like I've just ran the marathon. Another anxiety attack triggered by a nightmare. Fuck! I cussed and changed into a new shirt and shorts. I couldn't stand being alone, I needed some clarity, so I did the unthinkable; I knocked on Rakim's door.

The door opened and he was clearly surprised seeing it was me.
"Hey, what you doin' here? You alright?" I heard some noise in the back.

"I had a really bad dream, just wanted to talk, uhm... it's okay though..." I said and saw a woman standing behind him.

"Yo Rocky, you comin' or what?" She asked. I widened my eyes and froze; I didn't realize I was disturbing him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. Uhm, you know what, I'm okay... I'm gonna go." I said and ran back to my apartment, shutting the door. I had his face in front of me the whole time; he looked a bit guilty.

I rolled back to bed and sighed. At some point I could hear moaning noises coming from his apartment; thin walls and everything, plus that chick is very vocal, I guess.
It's gonna be a long night.