love. sex. dreams.

• eleven •

I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to.
• • •
"It's so good to see you, shit." He sighed and smiled. I was completely taken aback; I didn't think he'd be the one ever knocking on my door again. All of our memories flashed in front of my eyes but I wasn't sure how I felt about him being here; it's been almost 5 months.

"How do you know where I live?" I asked.

"Doesn't matter; can we talk, I really need to talk to you." He said.

I turned around and glanced at Rakim, pouring us ice tea, grin on his face. I looked back at Carter. "Now isn't a good time."

"Why not? Is someone there with you?" He started looking inside. I gulped and remembered how much it hurt when he basically kicked me out of our apartment when we broke up. My little voice was gone.

"Yeah, I have company and I really don't want to see you right now." I told him. He pushed the door open and let himself in.

"Let me see." He kept repeating.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I went after him to the kitchen. He stopped and froze up when he saw Rakim.

"Yo, what's goin' on?" Rakim asked, looking at me.

"Carter, leave, now. You can't just come unannounced after all this time, barging in like you live here, this is not okay!" I loudly said. Rakim was pretty calm, he wasn't interfering in my business with Carter.

"This is who replaced me? Since when do you like black guys?" Carter spat out.

"Whoa, whoa..." I stepped closer to him, pulling him by his arm. He turned around to face me and I saw how upset he was. I've never seen him like that before.
"It's none of your business who I am with and what I do, you don't love me anymore, remember?"

"But I do." He said with disappointment. Tears filled my eyes and that's when Rakim got up, wanting to pull me away from him.

"Guess what, I don't fucking care, it's way too late!" I yelled at Carter.

"Yo, it's best if you leave." Rakim said to him, stepping up to me and pulling me close.

"Oh, really... now he knows what's best for you?" He said to me. I looked at him and pointed at the door.

"Please leave." I said.

"I guess I was wrong." He started nodding. "I guess you aren't worthy of my time anymore. After all, you're already fucking him."

"Leave or I'll throw you out, man!" Rakim yelled at him. Then Carter finally left, shutting the door behind him. I started crying again as Rakim was holding me, rubbing the back of my head.

"Don't cry baby, he a fool. Come here." He took a seat down and gently pulled me in his lap. "Forget what he said."

I was just sitting there, crying while the food was getting cold. Carter successfully managed to tear down everything I built after him and he ruined my lunch.
I fucking hated him.

🦋

Three hours later, we were cuddled up in my bed. It was already dark and I needed something to numb myself out. I rolled a blunt and we went up to the roof to smoke it.

"So, what you gonna do 'bout him?" Rakim asked me after blowing out smoke, passing the blunt to me.

"I have no idea. I don't even know what he wants from me." I puffed. "All I know is that I don't want to see him right now, can't even look at his face."

"He's got a loud mouth tho, why he disrespecting you like that? I would never treat someone I was with for five years like that."

"I know, he was mad. I haven't seen him this angry before, he doesn't usually act like that."

"Yeah, I mean dude whatever. I just hate seeing you hurt." He explained.

"I know."

"I think about the day we met here and there, I remember how sad you looked, it was all over you, coming from the inside, eating you up." He said after a moment of silence. I was just looking into his eyes, listening. I didn't have anything else to say.

He sighed loudly.
"Just, whatever you decide to do about this, think long and hard, cause I care about you and if he hurts you again, I'mma break his fucking smug ass face."

I couldn't help but grin. "Thank you Rakim."

"For what?"

"Giving a shit about me when no one else did."

"There's no need to thank me; I had a fair share of deceit, loss and sadness in my life, I know how hard it can be, especially if you're alone." He blew out the smoke. "Like you were."

"Was?"

"Well you ain't anymore, I got your back princess Di." He smiled and I thought that out of all the moments we've had, this was my favorite. He was too sweet.

"Likewise, know you can always count on me." I replied, leaning my head to the side on his shoulder.

"I know baby, I know." He said and took one last drag before putting the blunt out. He pulled me closer, his arm over my shoulder.
I inhaled the scent of his hoodie that was soft and comfortable; it smelled of him, kind of like home.

I knew I would eventually have to face Carter and talk to him, see what's going on. But I was with Rakim, he is my home now; and I'm not sure that those 5 years of Carter's so called true love are enough to pull me away from him.

I wasn't sure what the thing between us was, but I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to stay with me, hoping he wants that as well.