Stay With You (Anthony Rizzo)

1

Maliyah

Being fragile is hard. Being tired all the time is hard. Being sick to the point that you don't want to get out of bed is hard. Being too weak to feed yourself is hard. Being in pain even when you're not moving is hard. Being stuck with a needled twenty times a day is hard. Being injected with things you can't even pronounce is hard.

Being a leukemia patient... it's hard.

Now, life wasn't always this hard. Being me was actually pretty nice for a while. I quite enjoyed it up until around this time last year. I had a wonderful life for the first 21 years. I was a happy kid with a big family and a great upbringing. I was loved and I loved and it was pretty amazing. My family and I traveled all over the world, I had the best friends I could ever ask for, I had it pretty well figured out. I was able to get into a good college and I even competed there for volleyball and track. I was set to graduate at the top of my class, I've won awards for academics and sports and public service in the three and a half years I had at Northwestern.

But then in a blink of an eye everything changed. I lost about twenty pounds in a week and bruises started showing up everywhere. My bones started to hurt and my muscles were tired. I thought I was overworked but my mom insisted I got everything checked out, for there was no way I could continue to play in this condition I was in. So I went to the hospital and immediately the doctors knew something was extremely wrong. They ran tests for a few days until they knew for sure what it was.

It was cancer. It was aggressive and spreading and strong. You never think about these kinds of things until it happens to you or someone close to you. Only when you absolutely have to. So I went from NCAA All-American student athlete to beings a cancer patient in a snap of the fingers. I didn't get to graduate or finish out the season with my summer team. Instead I've spent the better part of a year in the children's hospital here in Chicago. I know, I'm not a child. I'm 22 now and could defiantly be at a normal hospital, but this is where it's at. They don't treat me like a kid, but they also don't treat me like I got this news once my life was set for me, there's still a chance for me to make my life into whatever I want it to be... but I'm not so sure what that is anymore.

A lot changes when you get cancer. And I'm not talking about your hair falling out or the veins they put in you in order to receive chemo. All of the sudden you aren't capable of doing things by yourself. You look weak, you feel weak, you are weak. You have all this time to think, and it's not about getting married and having kids, it's hoping to be alive to see my brothers start a family and see my team win another national championship. It messes with your mind, it messes with your body. Suddenly you see who's really there for you, like my best friend who hasn't left my side since I was 5. She's over in Paris right now but we talk every day and she should be back home soon. And I find people who aren't there for me, like my boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend now. This is some deep stuff and a lot of people can't handle it. Ryan... he couldn't handle it. And I get it, I don't know if I could handle someone else getting sick like this. When it is me, it is hard but I know I am going to fight this with all my strength. When it happens to someone else, someone who you love, it's harder than anything.

I know because I see it in the way my family looks at me. Watching my parents watch me go through this, that's the hardest part. They can more than afford the treatments and they live just outside of Chicago so it wasn't hard for them to get here. But knowing that the youngest of their seven kids, and the only girl, has a severe and aggressive form of cancer, it's hard. No one was prepared for this.

Me... this was the last thing I was expecting. I went from having it all to having cancer. And as much as it sucks, it does have some positives. Like hanging out with the little kids in the hospital.

"Hey Mal, you got a visitor" my nurse Tamara says and I smile. I see a little girl get wheeled into my room and I couldn't stop the smile from coming upon my face. I had a head scarf on that said "best" and hers said "friends" on it.

"Tiffany! What a nice surprise" I insist.

"She just got done with chemo so she's a little tired. But she refused to go to her room without stopping by" the nurse explains.

"Thank you. I can take her back" I promise and the nurse nods her head. She turns and walks out of my room before I softly get off my bed and walk over to her. I wheel her over to my bed before sitting back down.

"Hey Mal" she smiles up at me. Her bright green eyes looking me over like she doesn't see me every day.

"Hey kiddo. How are you feeling" I wonder.

"I'm feeling better. My doctor says that I might be able to go home soon" she explains. Her little lips pull tighter as she tells me her good news.

"Oh Tiff that is awesome! I'm so happy for you" I cheer.

"Can you come home with me" she questions. She sticks out her bottom lip making me feel even weaker than I already was.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but I gotta stay here until I get better" I explain. 

"Then I'll stay here with you" she claims and I smile.

"That's very kind of you, but you got a life to live. Know that I'll always be here for you. Your mom has my number, if you ever want to talk to me take her phone and text me and we can talk whenever and wherever, okay" I ask and she lets out a sigh.

"I wish you weren't sick" she admits.

"Yeah Tiffany, me too. But one day we will both be out of here and we can walk around the city. We can eat churros at the pier and watch a baseball game and I wouldn't even have to sneak you in nachos" I wink as giggles.

"Pinky promise" she says holding up her pinky. I latch mine around here as she smiles up at me.

"Pinky promise."

After hanging out for a while I take her back to her room. I help her get into bed and tuck her in. I kiss her on her forehead and let her sleep for a little.

I go back to my room and sit back down on my bed. I look out the window to the city I used to call my own. I look out to a future that used to be mine. At this point I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get better. Some days it certainly feels like that, like this will never end. But one day I'll be dead or cured, I'm certainly hoping it's the second option.