I Fall Apart

Nora

I walked out of the bathroom and went straight to my bedroom. Everything felt like a blur, like a dream. I had been having a regular day at school until I'd come home and dad had broken the news to me. Mom was dead. I'd always known it was a possibility. She'd been off and on drugs for years. Still, it seemed like something that happened to someone else.

I kicked off my jeans and tore off the top I'd worn to school. I found some cozy sweats and pulled my hair up into a messy bun, then collapsed on my bed. For once, I didn't care to check my phone. It sat, forgotten about, in my jeans pocket on the floor.

What was I supposed to be feeling? My mom drove my absolutely crazy. I hated her sometimes. The last time I'd seen her I'd told her, 'fuck you'. She'd said the same thing back. I deserved this. I deserved to lose my mother. What kind of daughter would say that to her own mother?

My room began to become dark as night fell. I heard Dad, Vanessa and the boys moving around in the kitchen as they had dinner. I wasn't hungry, and they didn't bother me. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew dad was sitting on my bed, setting a glass of water and a sandwich on my bedside table.

"Daddy?" I croaked out.

"Yeah, sweetheart," he said quietly. "It's me."

"What time is it?" I sat up a bit and rubbed at my eyes.

"It's about 9:30," he said. "I brought you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry," I told him, plopping my head back on the pillow.

"Well, if you change your mind, it's there," he said. "Are you doing okay?"

"No," I told him honestly. He just nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He offered.

"When I saw her on Wednesday I was really mad at her," I said. "I told her I didn't want to deal with her shit and then I said, 'Fuck you'."

Dad sighed out and gently rubbed my arm. "You and your mom had a complicated relationship. You may have had words with her, but she knew you loved her. And she loved you."

"She slapped me," I told him. It hadn't been the first time, but it always stung. Not just physically, but emotionally.

"I'm sure she just got caught up in the moment," he said. "She must have just snapped."

"She did that a lot," I mumbled.

"Nora, I know there's nothing I can say to take away the pain or make this easy," he told me. "All I can do is be here for you. So whenever you need to talk, or if you need a hug, even if it's in the middle of the night, you come find me. Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay," I said weakly. He gave my back a pat.

"V and I are heading to bed," he said. "Is there anything you need before we go?"

"No," I said as he stood up.

"Do you want to stay home from school tomorrow?"

I thought for a moment. "Yeah."

"I'll call your school in the morning. Try to get some sleep."

I nodded and let him pull the covers over me. I settled in as he kissed my forehead.

"Good night, sweetheart," he told me, then left the room.

I tossed and turned for a good hour, unable to get to sleep. Partially because I'd napped for a good couple hours that afternoon. I guess grief really tires you out. Finally, I gave in and stood up. I didn't want to be alone right now. I grabbed my pillow and comforter and started to drag it down the hall to Dad and Vanessa's room. I didn't want to disturb them. I set my pillow and blanket down on the floor next to dad and got cozy. I watched dad sleeping. He breathed in and out, alive. That was all living was. You breathed in and out. Your heart beat. My mom's had stopped today. She would never sleep again; never be able to rest in that purgatory that being awake brings. In sleep, you were free of your problems. You were just like everyone else in the world. I pictured my mom's face as I finally dropped off to sleep.

____

In the morning, I almost got stepped on. Dad hadn't realized I had come in during the night. Once he realized I was there, he carefully stepped over me and went to the bathroom. When he came back out again, he gently took the covers off me and patted me on the leg gently.

"Come on, sweetheart," he said. "Climb in the bed."

I let him guide me to come lay in his bed. Vanessa was still in there, but she was slowly waking up. She smiled when she saw me next to her. I scooted in close to her and let her rub my back. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation. I know I'm a teenager, but it still felt good to be treated like a kid sometimes. The slow motion was soothing and it's just what I needed.

Vanessa probably needed to get up and get ready for work, but she laid with me patiently. I liked that she didn't try to make me talk. I knew I'd be getting a thousand, 'how are you doings' and 'if you need anything let me knows' over the coming days. Words like that were just bullshit. Rubbing my back; that was something.

I must have drifted off to sleep again. It was weird; it was like I was in a daze, constantly in and out of sleep. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and do nothing. The whole day, I stayed in Dad and Vanessa's bed, except to use the restroom. Dad brought me in food and water, but I barely touched it. I truly wasn't hungry. Grief had taken over my stomach.

Sometime in the afternoon, Dad came in to check on me again. He woke me up gently and sat on the edge of my bed.

"Steve set the funeral for Monday," he told me. "Do you want to be part of the ceremony?"

"Like how?" I asked.

"You could speak if you wanted to," he said. I shook my head. No way was I going to be able to keep it together to speak in front of tons of people.

"That's totally fine if you don't want to," he assured me. I was grateful that Dad was helping take care of all the logistics, because I would have no idea what to do. I didn't want to talk to Steve. He enabled her.

"Do you want to get up and take a shower?" He said. "It might make you feel better?"

I shook my head no. I had no desire to do anything.

"Okay," he said, not pushing anything. "Need anything?"

I shook my head. He nodded and then kissed my forehead again. Once again, I fell asleep.