I Fall Apart

Lin

I was relieved that Nora wasn't calling me crying every night anymore. She told me she'd palled up with a girl about her age, Anne Marie. I was grateful she'd found someone. They seemed to have hit it off, but she lived in Albany. When they left, they could keep up on social media hopefully.

Nora told me a bit about what they talked about in group therapy and individual therapy, though I'm sure she didn't tell me everything. That was fine, because that's what therapists were for. As long as she was talking to someone, that was the key.

As the end of camp neared, I could tell she was looking forward to coming back home. It was Sunday morning, the day before school started up again, when I drove there to pick her up. All her stuff was packed and ready to go. The mood was bittersweet. The kids were glad to go home, but some of them had developed real friendships. When Nora saw me, she stood up and hugged another girl, who I assumed was Anne Marie. I picked up Nora's sleeping bag and introduced myself to her.

As Nora and I walked out, she said goodbye to a couple other girls, but I could tell she wasn't close to them. We walked to the car, and I put my arm around her.

"I'm proud of you for sticking it out," I told her as I popped the trunk.

"Yeah, I'm glad I did it," she said as we put her stuff inside. I climbed in and started up the car. Nora sighed as she buckled her seatbelt. "I just wish Anne Marie lived closer."

"Yeah, that'd be nice," he agreed. "But we live in the age of social media. Is she on Twitter?"

"Yeah," she said as I pulled out of the parking lot. We had a couple hour drive ahead of us. I hoped she'd share more about her two weeks. Nora pulled out her phone and her thumbs started flying. I put on the radio and let her be for a while. Finally, she tucked her phone away and leaned against the door.

"So, do you think the therapy helped?"

"I guess," she said.

"Did you discover anything new?"

"I don't know," she said. "I guess I kind of blame myself in a way for mom's death. Like I should have been able to stop her."

"No one could have stopped her," I told her, glancing over at her. "She did it to herself."

"I know," she said. "But I sort of don't know too. Logically, it makes sense, but in my heart I feel like I could've done something."

"And did you talk about that with your therapist?" I probed.

"Yeah. She told me to think about the fact that maybe I saved her for a good while. That maybe she tried to keep herself together for me but it just became too much."

I nodded. "That's a good way to think about it. I know she tried."

"Yeah, she did," Nora said. I reached over and patted her leg in support. "I guess I've also been mad at her. I was so sick of her problems."

"It's definitely normal to have some anger," I said. "It was a frustrating situation."

"I also figured out I'm a little mad at you too," she said. I was a little shocked, and looked over at her.

"At me? Why?" I asked.

"That you weren't with my mom," she said. "I didn't have a normal childhood. Not a two parent household. If you'd been around from the start, maybe things would be different."

"That's fair," I said, though it was hard to swallow. I would've been there if Laura had told me Nora existed. I probably wouldn't have continued a romantic relationship with Laura, but I would certainly have been in Nora's life. "I just wish I knew you existed."

"I know," she said. "That's another reason I've been mad at Mom. I mean, how selfish is that to not let your kid know her father? And not let a father know his kid? That's messed up."

I agreed, but I didn't want to bash Laura. She had a lot of demons. I know she did the best she could, but she was stubborn. That's where Nora gets it from. Okay, maybe a little from me too.

"So what's the plan going forward?" I asked her.

"I was thinking..." she began, but paused a long time.

"Mmmhmm?"

"I might want to...change my last name," she said hesitantly, keeping her eyes forward.

"Really?" I asked, pleasantly surprised. I had thought about bringing it up in the past, but didn't know if it would upset her.

"Yeah," she said. "Since I'm living with you and you're my dad. I mean, most kids have their dad's last name anyway. It might make me feel like part of the family more. Sometimes I still feel like the step-sister."

"Well, if that's what you want we can certainly make it happen," I told her. "Do you want to think about it some more?"

"No, I'm sure," she said confidently. "I want to be a Miranda."

I smiled, feeling my heart warm. It felt so special that she'd brought it up herself. The name change wasn't something prompted by me.

"Nora Elizabeth Miranda."

___

Nora was pummeled by her younger brothers when she got home. I didn't realize she'd been feeling like she wasn't completely part of the family. We certainly didn't intend it. After she'd hugged the boys, Vanessa pulled her in for a long embrace.

"I missed you," she said, smiling. "Especially during bed time."

Nora laughed. She often read the boys stories. Nora was quickly pulled away by Sebastian, who wanted to show her his new toy Abuelo had bought him a couple days before. Cisco waddled after them, wanting to be included. Nora did a great job of making sure Cisco wasn't left out.

I emptied out Nora's bag and put everything in the laundry, including the sleeping bag.

"Nora wants to change her last name," I told Vanessa, grinning. She smiled back.

"Really? You brought it up?"

"No. She did," I said as I added detergent to the washer. "I mentioned nothing."

"That's great," she said, hugging me. I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I asked if she wanted to think about it some more, and she said no. So, I'll get the paperwork going. I'm not sure how fast it is."

Nora had a little downtime that afternoon, but tomorrow it would be straight back to school. Hopefully the chatter would have completely died down. It had been a month and they'd had a two-week break from school.

Nora read the boys their bedtime stories that night. I think they rangled her into reading her four. When she'd finished, she joined Vanessa and me on the couch, where we were relaxing.

"Excited about school tomorrow?" Vanessa asked her, smirking.

"Thrilled," she said, resting her head in her hand. "I've missed AP History."

"Speaking of which, I saw you managed to get a B-. Nice job," Lin said. He knew it was a challenging class and she'd been pulling a C most of the quarter.

"Thanks," she said, curling up with me. I put my arm around her. It amazed me how stand off-ish she was when she first moved in and how much she liked to cuddle now.

"Lin told me you want to be a Miranda officially," Vanessa commented, smiling.

"Yeah," she said, smiling.

"What brought that about?"

"I don't know," she said. "Being at camp I guess and talking a lot about family. I realized this is my family and I want to be officially part of it."

"For the record, I'm glad you're part of it," Vanessa told her.

Nora smiled and snuggled into me more. "Me too."