I Fall Apart

Lin

I pulled Cisco off the drapes for the third time that day. The little dude will probably be in the circus when he grows up. I'd just gotten off the phone with Nora. I felt badly that she wasn't enjoying herself at all. She was stubborn, though. She'd made up her mind as soon as she'd gotten there that she didn't like the kids and she didn't like it there. If she would open up her mind a bit, I think she'd actually enjoy herself. I suggested she write, hoping a little reflection would put her back on a good path.

She really needed this camp. I'd only known Nora for two years, but I knew she didn't like to show she was upset. In her old neighborhood, it was a sign of weakness. Crying and mourning for her mother wasn't something she'd really done. She'd been a mess the first week, but after that she seemed numb. She needed to deal, and I wasn't sure how to get her to do it.

"Cisco, you cannot climb the drapes," I told my youngest son firmly.

"Climb!" he answered back. I realized he'd been stuck inside for most of the day so he was probably going a bit stir crazy. I grabbed Sebastian from his room and took both boys down to the park to let off some steam. I was pretty exhausted so I didn't play with them today; just sat on the bench and watched.

Should I go get Nora? Was I expecting too much to send her away for two weeks? I wasn't trying to punish her; I was trying to help her, but she made the whole thing seem like torture. I made up my mind that she needed to stay. Two weeks wasn't forever. Anyone could handle camp for two weeks.

At dinner, I was short and impatient with the boys.

"Sebastian, eat," I told him firmly as he kept babbling. We'd been at the table for ten minutes and he'd only taken two bites. Cisco kept throwing food on the floor for his own amusement. When Vanessa chided him, he burst into tears at the top of his lungs. Sebastian was yelling, and I couldn't take it.

"Everyone, be quiet!" I yelled, causing all the sound in the room to stop. Both boys looked at me and then started crying again. I rarely yelled, so I'd probably scared them. I just felt so frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I get things right with Nora? I thought I was doing the right thing for her, but she was hating it.

"Lin, go take a break," Vanessa told me gently. I scooted my chair back and walked back to our bedroom and shut the door. I could still hear the boys crying and felt guilty. They were just being kids; they weren't being bad, and I had snapped at them. I was a crap father.

I sat on my bed and rested my head in my hands. My heart was pounding. I tried to take in deep breaths to calm myself down. Today had been a bad day, but tomorrow was a new day. About fifteen minutes later, Vanessa came in to check on me. By that point, I was laying on the bed with my arm over my eyes. Vanessa laid on her side next to me and rubbed her hand up and down my chest soothingly.

"What's going on babe?" She asked gently.

"Just a bad day," I said, rubbing my eyes. "Nora called me up crying. I don't know if I made a mistake sending her there. And the boys were just being a handful today. Sorry I snapped at dinner."

"It's okay," she assured me. "They're already over it. And you know how stubborn Nora is. It's only the second day. I'm sure by the weekend she'll be fine."

"I don't know," I said. "She sounded absolutely miserable on the phone."

She kissed me on the cheek. "Don't be so hard on yourself. She'll be fine. Tons of kids go to camp every year and get homesick. It's perfectly normal. It doesn't make you a bad father."

I looked at her and offered a weak smile. When she put it that way, it sounded so simple. She had the best way of making me feel better. V was the best of wives.

"Thank you," I said softly, pulling her towards me. I captured her lips in a sweet kiss.

"I can put the boys to bed," she told me, sitting up. "Then how about we drink some wine and watch something stupid on TV."

I smirked and nodded. I'd been with the boys most of the day, so it was nice to have the evening off. I grabbed a book from my bedside table and started reading. When V came in to change into her sweats, I followed suit, then broke open a bottle of our favorite wine. I set it on the coffee table, knowing we'd probably get through the whole thing.

We popped in Airplane from the 80's, and laughed like teenagers at the stupid jokes. Partway through we started making out and getting handsy, then the rest is history.

I woke up the next morning, feeling much better. I'm not sure if it was kosher, but I called the camp director to have a conversation about Nora. I let her know she was having a hard time, and she assured me it was perfectly normal, especially during the first few days. They were already in an emotional position. She promised to have a conversation with her and to try to pair her up with another camper. After hanging up with her, I felt much better.

Nora called me around the same time that day. She sounded better, but still not completely happy. Well, she hadn't been happy for a while. This time, she didn't ask to come home. She told me that the counselors had paired her up with this quiet girl from Albany. Apparently, she was at least tolerable.

"So, do you think you're gonna be okay?" I asked her hopefully.

She sighed into the phone and I could picture her rubbing at her forehead. "Maybe. I'll probably call you every day."

"That's alright," I assured her. "I'm here for you. Anytime."

"Thanks, Dad," she said. "Well, they're calling us for dinner. Gotta go."

"Bye, sweetheart," I said. "Love you."

"Love you too."

The call ended and I stared at my phone for a moment. I was 95% sure she would be just fine, but I still worried.

I felt a tug on my shorts. Cisco.

"Hey buddy," I told him.

"Where's Nowa?" he asked. I smiled and picked him up, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Nora's at camp," I explained. "She'll be away for a while."

"I want Nowa," he told me, resting his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his back a little and carried him around as I did a few things around the house. Cisco was my cuddly boy. He'd always loved to be held. He would let me carry him around all day if he could. It made me wonder what Nora had been like as a baby. Did she like to be held? I wished I had the opportunity to find out. I would have been a very young dad, but I think I would've risen to the task.

Over the next few days, Cisco kept constantly asking for his sister. Trying to understand 'two weeks' was tough for a two year old. I just tried to patiently explain to him every time that she'd be back in a few days. Once I'd read him his bedtime story one night, he started crying because he wanted his sister to read to him.

"I know you miss her, buddy," I told Cisco. "But she'll be back soon."

"I want Nowa now!" he said impatiently. I rubbed his little belly and talked to him about what we were doing the next day. He had play time at the gym and we would go to the park as well. That seemed to distract him enough and I saw his eyelids drooping. I kissed him good night and tucked him in, leaving the room. I missed Nora as much as he did.