I Fall Apart

Nora

           

My hands felt clammy.  They were both being held by Lin and Vanessa.  Honestly, I wanted them back, but I knew it was probably making them feel better.  I sighed as the priest began, talking about forgiveness and love and getting to heaven.  Honestly, I kind of zoned out.  This wasn't the place I wanted to be.  I just wanted this to be over.

Steve got up to speak, then invited anyone else to come say something.  A couple of her friends got up and shared a couple stories about her.  I didn't know if people were expecting me to get up there, but I wasn't going to.  I hated public speaking anyway.

Finally, the service was over and it was time to go to the grave site.  Honestly, it was a blur.  I got in a car and was driven to the cemetery.  The priest said a few more words, then the casket was lowered into the ground.  I was aware of hands on me, rubbing my back, squeezing my shoulders.

People seemed to be sticking around to mingle, but I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.  Dad and Vanessa were talking to a couple of Laura's friends.  I walked up and tugged on Dad's sleeve, like a little kid.

"Dad, can we go now?"

He turned his head to the right and nodded.  They wrapped up their conversation and we began heading over to the parking lot.  Dad called a cab and it arrived a few minutes later.  Again, it was quiet on the way back.  When we got home I went straight to my room to get out of my dress.  I pulled on some sweats and then climbed back into bed.

I probably should have gone back to school the next day, but I still didn't want to.  Dad wasn't going to push me, because I knew he was worried about me.  I probably should have gone because I began to get bored.  I was stuck in an endless cycle of my thoughts.  I kept replaying the last time I'd been with my mom.  The yelling.  The cursing.  How I stormed out, hating her.

After a couple more days at home, Dad came into my room one evening, closing the door.  I'd been off school for a whole week now.

"Nora, I think it's time you went back to school," he told me.

"No thanks," I told him.

"Nora," he began again.  "I think you need to get back into a routine.  If you keep hanging around at home doing nothing, you're just going to get yourself into a rut."

"I don't want to face everyone at school," I told him.  "They're all gonna look at me like they feel sorry for me and I don't want to have to deal with all the teachers saying they're sorry to hear about my mom."

"Well, you're going to have to face it eventually," he reminded me.  "You can't avoid it forever."

"Maybe a couple more days," I told him.

"You're gonna get too behind on your school work," he reasoned.  "Class moves fast at Hunter.  I don't want your grades to slip."

"But they're excusing me from all my assignments."

"Yeah, but you're missing all the material," he said.  "If you leave it too long, you're gonna feel lost in class."

I sighed and closed my eyes.  "Get to bed early tonight," he told me.  "You need to go back to school tomorrow."

I didn't set my alarm and hoped Dad would just forget or feel sorry for me, but he didn't.  At 7:00, he came into my room to wake me up.  At 7:15 he came back.  He ended up pulling my covers off and making me sit up before he left.  Reluctantly, I got in the shower and got ready for school.  I glared at him as I pulled my backpack on.

At school, everyone was acting weird, like I worried they would.  My friends had been texting and calling, but I had mostly ignored them.  They hugged me and reassured me.  Some of my teachers had me stay after class to say if I needed extra time on my assignments, let them know.  I would be taking advantage of that.