I Fall Apart

Nora

It felt so good to be home.  I'd spent so much time resenting Dad and I guess it took being away from him for two weeks to realize how much I loved him.  I was a lucky kid in a lot of ways.  Sebastian and Francisco were technically my half-brothers, but they felt like my full brothers.  Something changed in me while I was away at camp.  Something clicked. I finally admitted that my situation was permanent.  My mother was dead.  My father wasn't in my life for my first 13 years, but he was now.  The fact he wasn't around sucked, but there was nothing that could change it.  I had him now and that was all that mattered.

Vanessa was my stepmother.  Sebby and Cisco were my brothers.  This was my family now.  I kind of thought of my life in three separate parts.  First, just me and my mom.  Overall, it sucked.  Mom was unstable and we were poor.  Life was a constant struggle.

Second, it was my life living with the Mirandas most of the time, and with my mom part of the time.  That was like living in a limbo.  Half the time my life made sense.  I could predict what would happen.  I had a routine.  Half the time, I was back in my mother's web.  I had a hard time going back and forth between both worlds.  The rules didn't work in both.  At mom's, if I punched someone who'd just insulted me I was praised.  At dad's I was punished.  How was that fair, to expect a kid to know how to navigate both worlds.  I was bitter a lot of the time.

Now, I was with dad full time.  Mom was gone, and while I missed her it was also a bit of a relief.  Life was calmer now.  It had been sad for a while.  I self-medicated with alcohol, but I'd gotten through it.  I wasn't over my mother's death.  I don't know if I'd ever be over it.  But with therapy camp, I had some ways to deal with it.  And hopefully I still had a friend in Anne Marie.

One other positive to going to camp was that my sleep schedule hadn't gotten completely out of whack.  During most school breaks I ended up sleeping til noon most days and staying up until 2 or 3 a.m.  Going back to school was hell.  The next morning I was fresh.  Well, not completely fresh.  What teenager is fully awake at 8 a.m.?

Vanessa had gone down to Starbucks and gotten me a french vanilla latte for my first morning.  She was so thoughtful.  I smiled as she handed me the cup.  I gave her and Dad a hug before I headed off to the subway for school.

The first day back at school after a break was like a mini-reunion.  We hadn't seen each other for two weeks, so we weren't completely sick of each other yet.  Being rested, we had semi-good attitudes.  It was a new grading period.  We had the opportunity to make the grade; to put in the effort.  I knew Dad and Vanessa wished I would put in a bit more effort.

As I walked to second period, I smiled as I saw Aaron coming down the hall.  He smiled too.  As he reached me, he turned around so he could walk with me.

"Hey, stranger," he told me, squeezing my hand.

"Hey," I said.  "How was football camp?"

"Torture," he said.  "How was crazy camp?"

I laughed at that.  "It was good actually.  I feel better."

I hadn't told many people about going to a therapy camp.  Mostly I said I was going to just plain camp.  Aaron was one of the few people I trusted to tell.  He knew I was struggling with my mom's death and just being a teenager in general.  I had missed him like crazy.

"Are you free Friday?" he asked me.

"Yeah," I told him.  "Your place?"

"Sounds good.  My parents will be out most of the night."

As I reached my classroom, we stepped to the side.  PDA was against school rules, but he gave me a quick peck on the lips.  "See you later."

I watched him walk down the hall, waving at a couple buddies.  I sighed as I walked in, thinking Friday seemed so far away.  Was it possible to miss kissing?  I missed kissing Aaron.  It felt so good.  I sat down in my seat, looking forward to Friday.