I Fall Apart

Nora

           

I can't believe I actually pushed my dad.  I don't know what came over me.  I just saw red.  Adults always say they remember what it's like to be a teenager and they know what we're going through but I think that's total bullshit.  My dad has no idea what I'm going through.  He has never felt the kind of hurt I'm feeling right now.  His childhood was perfect. Two parents, stable home, non-abusive.  But now every little time he thinks I mess up he's all over me.  My mother just died so I think he needs to cut me some slack.

Losing your mother before you reach adulthood is pretty freaking traumatic.  So what if I decided to medicate with alcohol a couple times and snuck some random boy into my bedroom?  I'm not shooting heroin into my eyeballs or turning into a prostitute.  Justin and I hadn't even done anything.  I just wanted to talk to someone else.  Okay, we did a little.

So instead of being considerate and understanding, he decides to be hard ass.  Taking my phone away was the last straw.  How would he feel if someone took away his precious phone and he couldn't tweet?  I mean, I know I'm not the best-behaved kid ever, but come on.  I live in New York City.  I need a phone.

I'd pushed him.  I pushed him.  I felt a little guilty about it now that the anger had dissipated.  He made a point of never laying a hand on me or the boys.  He was too gentle.  I could never imagine him hitting any of us.  I know I've deserved it before.

I hid away in my room.  I felt bad, but I didn't know what to say.  I probably shouldn't have pushed him, but he shouldn't have taken my phone.  I wasn't apologizing for reacting.  He'd just grabbed it out of my pocket.  Personal space!

Vanessa knocked on my door.  I could tell from her footsteps.  She poked her head in and told me that dinner was ready.  I wasn't sure I wanted to face Dad or Vanessa, but I couldn't deny that I was starving.  I put my homework aside and sauntered out to the kitchen.  I poured myself a cup of water then joined the rest of the family at the table.  Everyone was being pretty quiet.  Except Sebastian, as usual.

"And then we put the caterpillar back where we found it and I think he smiled at me," he reported to us from his day at preschool.  "Then the teacher said it was time for snack so we went inside."

"Sounds like you had a fun day," Vanessa commented.  I wondered if this was what dad was like when he was a little kid.

"Uh-huh," he said, his fork hovering over his place where it had been for the last couple minutes of his monologue.  "Then Nora had a boy in her room!" he reminded everyone, knowing it was scandalous.

"So what?" I said, defending myself.

Dad wiped his mouth with a napkin.  "Let's talk about something else," he said, thankfully.  "Vanessa, how are your cases going?"

"They're going fine," she said.  "I have several court dates coming up, but most days it's just research and planning.  The legalese meant nothing to the rest of us, and thankfully she spared us the details.

I ate quickly and asked to be excused, but dad was going to make me do the dishes.  I glared at him but he didn't flinch.  I was forced to sit around while everyone finished.  And Sebastian liked to take his time.

"Nora, do you have any projects going on at school?" Vanessa asked me as everyone got close to finishing up.

"I don't know," I admitted.  School had been the last thing on my mind lately.

"You don't know?" She asked.  "Probably better check on that."

"Yeah, probably," I admitted, but I had little motivation.  What was the point?  When I died, would it matter if I did some stupid math worksheet or English paper?  I'd rather spend time doing things more worthwhile.