I Fall Apart

Nora

After school the next day, I met Aunt Shannon again for coffee.  We chose a different place that was still close to my school.  I was complaining about my math homework and was delighted to find out she was really good at math.  I pulled out my homework right then and she helped me.

"Dad said you're moving to New York," I told her.

"Well, it's not definite yet, but most likely, yes," she said.  "How do you feel about that?"

"Great!" I said.  "It'll be nice to have you nearby.  Especially since you're good at math."

She chuckled, "I'm always willing to help out with math homework.  It'll be so nice to be close to you."

"Sorry my mom wasn't in contact with you much," I said.

"Your mom had her issues," she said.  "I'm just glad I'm here."

I wondered if mom were still alive if she would've contacted me.  Would they have reconciled?  I left our meeting feelin like I had with Dad - that there was so much I'd missed out on because of my mother.  If she hadn't been such a fuck-wit, I would've have two amazing people in my life growing up.

I guess I was grumpy because Dad approached me after dinner as I was doing the dishes a little roughly.

"Do you have something against that plate?" he asked me as I scraped off some leftovers.  I hadn't realized I'd been scrubbing so hard.  I backed off a little and sighed.

"Sorry," I said, setting in the dishwasher.

"It's alright," he said.  "Are you okay?  You seem a little tense."

"It's just..." I struggled to put my feelings into words.  "Sometimes I get so mad at Mom.  I mean, Aunt Shannon seems like a great person, but I didn't know her as a kid.  And I didn't know you.  It's like she tried to cut me off from all of my sane family.  How could she do that?"

"Let's sit down," he suggested, and we walked over to the kitchen table.  I put my head in my hands and blew out some air through my mouth.

"Look," he began, "You could spend the rest of your life being angry about things your mom did.  She made some choices that weren't fair to you.  Or, you can focus on what you have now.  You have me and V and the boys, and now you have your aunt.  Sure, we lost some time, but we love you and we're together now."

I nodded, knowing he was right.  "I know, but it's so hard not to feel mad.  And then I feel guilty because she's dead."

"You can still be mad at her even if she's gone," he told me.  "That doesn't mean you don't still love her."

"You make it sound so easy," I complained.  He smiled a little.

"Feelings are complicated," he acknowledged.  "Families are complicated."

I stared off into space for a few moments, not able to shake the feeling of regret. 

"C'mere," he told me, opening up his arms.  I walked over and gave him a big hug.  His hugs always made things a little better.  "If you ever want to talk, I'm here, 'kay?"

"Okay," I whispered.  I knew that, but it was nice to hear him say it.  Dad gave me a kiss and then I disappeared to go do homework.

The next day, I went to Sebastian's classroom at the end of school to pick him up.  Most days, he was a ball of energy and happiness, ready to tell me all about his day.  Kindergarten was so exciting.  Today, however, he looked upset.

I took his hand and we started walking down the hallway.  "What's wrong, Sebby?  Did you have a bad day?"

"Yeah," he said sadly, dragging his feet, eyes on the ground.

"What happened?" I asked gently.

"I got on yellow," he told me, obviously disappointed in himself.  His teacher used a red/yellow/green system for behavior.  Yellow meant he'd done something significant enough to get moved down.

"Why'd you get on yellow?" I asked.

"I was talking when the teacher was talking," he admitted as we reached the stairs.

"Well, that's not so bad," I assured him.

"Yes it is!" he disagreed, and I heard his voice start to hitch.  I stopped him on the front steps of the school and sat him down.

"Why are you so upset?" I asked, squeezing his hand.

"Mommy and Daddy are gonna be mad at me!" he started crying.  He'd never gotten a yellow before.  Sebastian was a good boy; he was just a talker.  It wasn't surprising he'd gotten in trouble for it.  Sebby knew from the many times I'd been in trouble at school that he'd be in some trouble at home as well.

"Well, they might take away iPad for the night or send you to your room," I told him.  "But that's it."

He started crying harder.  To him, that sounded like the end of the world.  I put my arm around him and hugged him to me.  The kid could be emotional.  I let him cry and just rubbed his back to calm him down.

"It'll be okay," I assured him.  I highly doubted Vanessa or Dad would really be that upset with him.  They checked his backpack every day, so they knew what color he was on.  They'd give him a little consequence and that would be that.

"Come on," I urged him, taking his hand.  "Let's go home."

He continued to sniffle as we walked to the subway to head home.  I pulled up my text messages and texted Vanessa and Dad about why Sebastian was upset.  They thought it was cute.

We arrived home and as soon as we walked in the door, Sebastian started crying when he saw Dad.  Dad furrowed his eyebrows at me and I just shrugged.  He walked over and squatted down in front of his son.

"Buddy, what's wrong?" he asked gently, already knowing thanks to my text.

"I..." he hiccupped between his tears.  "I got on yellow today!"

Dad pulled him into a hug to reassure him that the world was not ending.  I set down my backpack and got some cookies from the pantry.  Dad shooshed him and rubbed his back to calm him down.  After a minute or so, Sebastian had calmed down and he pulled back.

"Can you tell me why you got on yellow?"

"I was talking when the teacher was talking," he rubbed at his eyes.

"You've gotta make sure you're listening when the teacher's talking, right?" Dad reminded him.  "But, buddy, it's not the end of the world.  I'm not mad at you."

"You're not?" he asked, surprised.

"No," Dad said.  "Everyone does something wrong every once in a while."

Dad gently wiped his tears away from his face and kissed his forehead.  "But since you got in trouble at school, you're in a little trouble here.  So, no iPad for the rest of the day.  Okay?"

"Okay," Sebastian accepted.  Dad patted his sides and stood up.  "How about a snack?"

Dad got him some crackers from the cabinet and poured some in a bowl, setting Sebastian up at the coffee table.  We both relaxed as we ate our after school snacks.

"See?" I told him, gently running my fingers over his scalp.  "That wasn't so bad."

He shook his head and started munching on his crackers.  It was kind of adorable how disappointed in himself he was.

Aunt Shannon was flying back to Chicago that night.  She texted me that she was at the airport and that she was glad we were able to get together.  I smiled and texted back that I hoped I'd get to see her soon.  Also, I still needed to meet her husband.  Hopefully he was sane as well.  I tucked my phone away so I could focus on my homework, excited to see about where my newfound relationship with my aunt would take me.