The Football Dream (girlxgirl)

I thought i was ok - Rose

I felt lost. It was as if an anchor was dragging me down and wouldn't stop sinking. I thought I would be happy doing the thing I love most but I wasn't. Alcohol seemed to be my best and only friend. Amber and I had a massive argument about my eating habits so we weren't on good terms and it felt as if I couldn't talk to Sam anymore. She wanted to keep us hidden which I accepted but at the same time it was hard maintaining a long distance relationship when others didn't understand what I was going through.

Training was tough but I kept improving and I was in the best form of my life, I had been given the call up for the England squad along with some of the other girls from the u20 team but it just wasn't enough. It never was.

I poured myself another glass of wine and locked myself in the bathroom. Pressing my back against the door I slid down resting my head on my knees. Amber was out with her partner and considering we weren't on talking terms I hadn't seen her in a few days. It was just me in the bathroom alone.

It didn't take long for the wine to disappear along with my surroundings. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare but it never seemed to stop.

I woke up a few hours later to hear a banging on the door. "Rose are you in there?" A very grumpy Amber shouted.

"Umm yeah just give me a sec" I slowly started to stand up but the blood rushed to my head and I could barely see a thing. Slowly I unlocked the door and was blinded by light but also by a frowning Amber.

"What were you doing in there you look and smell like shit" Amber remarked storming into the bathroom but soon coming back out holding up the empty bottle of wine and a half drunk bottle of vodka. I must have passed out before I got to that. "What the fuck is this?" Amber marched to the kitchen and poured the remaining substances down the sink. "What's wrong with you? You have everything you have ever wanted yet you are throwing it away!" She shouted "we may have argued but I still care about you and all this needs to stop!"

I sighed and grabbed my coat leaving the apartment. I couldn't be bothered to argue. "Don't you leave!" Amber shouted behind me. "Fine if you leave I'll tell Sam everything" she remarked.

"Do what you want I honestly don't give a shit anymore!" I slammed the door and headed to the gym.

I felt as if I needed to punish myself by pushing myself until my body couldn't bare no more. I'd lost everyone, my mum was still in hospital and refused to have anything to do with me. My brother hated me for not helping and supporting my mum and my dad was too wrapped up in his own life to realise I needed him more than anything. Then there's Sam. Slowly I feel her slipping away.

I had been working out for at least two hours when I felt my phone vibrate, I wasn't surprised to see Sams name pop up on the scream. It took me awhile to decide whether I should answer as I knew exactly what she was going to say. Eventually I clicked the green button and held the phone to my ear.

"Rose?" I heard a quiet sad voice in my ear. "Please don't shut me out" Sam spoke carefully.

I sighed down the phone, unsure what to say.

"Amber called me earlier and she's worried about you and so am I" her voice trailed a little.

"I'm fine" I lied. I didn't want to talk about any of it.

"Don't say that because your not!" Sam spoke a little louder. "Look I've booked you a plane ticket to fly here on the 21st December it's your choice wether you get on that plane or not. I don't want to lose you but your making it very hard by not letting me in" Sam sighed down the phone. "If you don't get on that plane then I guess you have made it clear that you don't want this"

"Sam-" the call ended and I was left alone again in the empty gym.

The flight was booked for Saturday and as Friday came around I laid on the sofa looking miserable. I hadn't decided if I was going to go or not, I wanted us to work but part of me knew I wasn't ready. Amber sat across from me in the arm chair reading a book. We had talked since our last argument but things were still a little tense between us.

"If your not going to pack your bag I will do it for you and drag you onto that plane" she sighed shutting her book.
I anxiously played with my fingers unsure of what to do.

"Look if you like her as much as I thought you did you wouldn't think twice about getting on that plane. This is something much more than that" Amber spoke softly and walked over carefully putting her arm around me.

"I love you so much Rose and I miss the old happy you. I know you've had it rough the past couple of months but you need to look towards the future." I gave in to the tears that ran down my cheek. I was grateful for ambers presence and I knew she was right.

"I just want the pain to stop" I sobbed slowly breaking "all the hate, the hurt it just wont go away" Amber pulled me closer. "Nothing seems to make it go away"

"I know hun" Amber whispered. "You need to stop shutting it away, you're 18 and have your whole life ahead of you, don't ruin it because of the things that have happened in the past, over time the hurt will heal" Amber continues to soothe me.

"Everyone that I love, I end up ruining it. I mean look at my mum, my brother and even Beth. I don't want to do the same to Sam." My eyes were like streams at this point.

"Hun I hate to say it but I think your hurting her more by shutting her out" Amber sighed "iv never seen her open up to someone like she has you. Yes she might not be ready to share you with the world, but it's obvious that you mean the world to her and all she wants is for you to be happy!"

"I know it's just hard as I don't know if I can make her happy" I stated.

"Whenever she's with you she's always smiling, I think it's obvious that you make her happy" Amber let out a small laugh. I thought about what she said and I knew she was right. I was being unfair to Sam by hiding myself away. I was too carried away with football and my own problems that I didn't create time for her. Maybe life was more than just football.

"Thank you" I whispered giving amber one last hug before I got up and started packing my suitcase. Perhaps I was getting on that plane tomorrow...