Forever but never

Only her

I walked to Alicia's mum, my heart racing and the voices screaming in my head. And I told her my choice. She hugged me and walked away to get the doc. My heart was beating so fast that it could litteraly jump out of my chest. She came back with the doc and we stepped inside.

Doc: So what's your choice?

Me: I-I-I'll... stop... this...

Doc: Are you sure about that?

Me: Yeah. You know, I met a little girl few minutes ago and she opened my eyes and now I know that this is the right choice. She was thinking like Alicia.She was special and I'm so thankfull that she appeared there.

Doc: Well... it's time now... are you really sure about that, because there's no way out of it after you do this.

Me: Yes.

He let me go to her once again and I hugged her tight while others came inside. They said their final goodbyes and now it was time. But I didn't know that I'll have to do this until her mum said that I should do this. I stood there shocked whie others were waiting. So I stepped to the machine and pulled all of the electricity. Her chest stopped to move and I ran out of there. Now I've got nothing to live for. I know how she felt when she realised that I'm dead. Or something like that. I sat down on the same bench once again and looked up in the sky. I tried to thing of somehing else, but I could think only about her. Then someone tapped on my shoulder. I turned around and saw that little girl from earlier, Anne

Me: Well hello.

Annie: Hey. I thought you'll need a friend. I know what decision you made and I know it's hard for you rn. I can imagine a little how you feel.

Me: If you say so. I never thought that I'll loose someone so important to me. Never in a million years.

Annie: But that happened. You know, I'm going now and I won't see you again. It's time for you to let go of the people who meant something to you. Like Alicia. One day, you'll need to let go of all this like Alicia needed to let go of you. She fought for her life, but at the end, she just wasn't able to fight anymore.

Me: Uhhh... you're right. Weel, goodbye Annie.

Annie: Goodbye.

She left and I walked back to Alicia's mum. She saw me and hugged me once again. We went back home and mum was waiting for me with Marcus and Emma all in tears. They ran to me and hugged me. I was at the point of heartbreaking now. How is this even possible? It shouldn't be her, it should be me laying there on that bed and I should be dead. It's my fault that she's dead and we're separated forever. Then I broke down. Mum tried to came to me and hug me, but I pushed her away. I ran up in Alicia's room and locked myself inside. I hugged her teddybear. It still smells like her.

Mum: Martinus, please let us in! We wanna help you!

Me: I don't want your help! Go away!

Mum: Okay Tinus...

She left and I layed down in Alicia's bed. I remember this last night together. I think that everything is remembering me of her. Her room, her things, her notes, her phone, her name...everything. And I drifted off to sleep.

-------one week later---------

I woke up and when I opened my eyes, I instantly remembered of Alicia. They all say that I need to move on or this will kill me. It's not like very bad, I eat normally, or at least I try to, but I cut myself and I put guilt on me every day. I want to turn back the time and save her.

Mum: Martinus... we're all going in the shop for some things. Will you be good on your own?

Me: Yeah.

Mum: And also. You've got some food downstairs. We'll lock the door so you'll stay inside. And windows too.

And we're here again. They'll lock the windows too. I waited for them to leave and five minutes later I heard the car. I jumped out of the bed and down in the kitchen. On the way here, I saw a lot of Alicia's pic and it hurts. I really can't take it anymore. I grabbed the first knife that I saw and made some deep cuts. Relief. But then it came back again. The feeling of guilt, I should do something to keep her alive, but I didn't. I got the rope and ran back in the room. I grabbed paper and pen and started to write.

Marcus' POV

We were driving back home now. I must say that I'm really worried about Martinus. He hasn't been his self this week and I saw some kind of scars on his wrist. I realized this when I tried to pul him with me to go outside for some minutes. He said he accidentally cut his self while he was cutting bread. But I don't believe him at all. I pulled my phone out of the pocket and send message to Martinus that we're driving back home and if he ate his food. Then I put it back in my pocket and looked out of the window.

Mum: Were you texting Martinus?

Me: Yeah.

Mum: Tell him that I and Emma need to go somewhere. I'll drop you at home and we'll go straight therev then. Me, Alicia's mum, emma and Leo.

Me: Okay mum.

We were driving for some more minutes and she dropped me and Adrien in front of the house. Then they drove away and me and Leo walked to he door and realized it's locked. Well, Martinus hasn't got the key. Uhhh...mummm where are your brain??? I called mum and she was only a minute away so she drove back and gave us keys. Adrien unlocked the door and I started to feel very bad. I mean, I was feeling bad before too, but now it's even worse. Something happened here.

I'm sorry again for not updating. I'm trying to learn for school, write and sing in the choir at the same time. It's just so hard. We had test today and I learned hard for it so I didn't have time for writing. And also I'm suure that I'll get 3 or less. We've got grades from 5 to 1. 5 is the best grade and 1 is the worst grade. I won't bother you with this anymore so bye!! Have a nice day!