Forever but never

The truth

I looked up at her. She lifted her head up and looked worried at me.

Johanna: What are you thinking?

Me: MMers.

Johanna: Crap, I forgot about that.

I pulled out my phone and looked at the notifications. A lot of MMers commented on our picture from yesterday. I needed to take pic because othervise, we would loose a lot of fans. But now we don't exist anymore.I sighed and went on instagram. I looked unsure at Johanna and she nodded. We were both so nervous and my hands started to shake. Then before I could press the live button, mum called me.

Mum: Marcus! Where are you?! I'm sick worried! Martinus was rushed into hospital, but ... they ... they couldn't save him. They said that they couldn't save him anyway, because when he jumped he ended his life.

Me: I'm with Johanna and we're telling MMers. They need to know because they saw on yesterday's pic that he wasn't okay and now they're so curious and that's killing me.

Mum: K honey. I-I'll leave you two now. bye

Me: Bye.

I hung up and took one deep breath. I clicked the live button and Johanna came to me. She took my hand where they couldn't see it and held it to calm me down and that I knew I'm not alone.

Me: Hello guys! I'm back with my really good friend Johanna. And we've got some really bad news for you.

Johanna. Look Maci, one girl asked where's Alicia.

She showed me and I couldn't believe it. Someone really asked that. I started to wonder if I should tell them about Alicia too.

Me: We're gonna tell you about Alicia now. I told you once before that she's on the wheelchair. She had an accident two weeks ago ago and it she died. Martinus was with her on the walk and they saw her schoolmates and Martinus became very good with them and forgot to look at Alicia and she probably rolled down the hill. She hit the big rock and her life ended. they couldn't save her no matter how hard they tried.

Johanna was reading comments and I looked at them at some point too. Most of them were 'She may rest in peace', 'Sorry for your loss' and 'It must be hard for Martinus'.

Johanna: For Martinus this was the hardest time in his life. He felt so guilty for all this...

Marcus: He was in her room all day and all night only when he ate he came out. He was saying that it's his fault all the time. He cutted his self and I was the only one who saw that.

They started to write that I should stop him and that they'll try to stop him.

Me: You can't stop him. There's the thing. I woke up today and it was a day like others that week. I ate some food and played games on my phone. Then mum called me and we went in store. Like every other day I told Martinus that he's got food downstairs and that we're gonna get some food. Then we leaved and after some time we started to drive back and on the way I texted Martinus that we're coming back, but he didn't reply. Mum said that they need to go somewhere and dropped me and Adrien, Alicia's twin in front of house.

I looked at the screen and stared at it for some time. I looked at Johanna and she hugged me from the side. I took one deep breath and continued.

Me: When we opened the door, I started to feel sick and I knew that something's wrong. I ran up to Martinus' room, but it was locked and Martinus didn't answer to me so Adrien broke down the door and ... and ... we saw Martinus ... he was hanging there and he was dead.

The commenting stopped and there was silence for some moments. Then I broke it again.

Me: Few minutes earlier they called form hospital and they said that they couldn't save him. He wrote me a letter where he said some things so I could see what caused that and how he was really feeling all this time. He and Alicia were happy together, well they broke up one or two times too, but they came back together. They couldn't live one without other. That's the reason why he killed his self. I lost two most important persons in my life and I don't wanna lose anyone else. There will probably be a tour for the memory of Martinus.

Then my weakness came back to me and I broke down crying in Johanna's arms. She was hugging me and after some moments she sarted to sing a really beautiful song. Her voice was angelic and I only hugged her tighter. Then I looked down at her and she continued to sing while looking me at the eyes. Then I kissed her and after some seconds she widened her eyes and moved a little backwards.

Me: Uhhh I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to..

Johanna: Uhh no.. I just.. we're livestreaming, you remember?

Me: Oh SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!! I forgot!

Johanna: It's okay, it meant nothing, right?

One part of me was afraid that I'll hear that, but it happened. I was once again with broken heart, but I need to say something before it's really too late.

Me: Actually you know.. I started to like you more then I planned on.. and what you said left me broken. But do you really mean that it meant nothing to you?

Johanna: M-M-Marcus.. uhm.. what should I say? It meant something to me but rn it's not the right time for any of that. You see.. you'll soon go home with your family and we'll probably never see each other again.. and this whole thing with Tinus.. and MMers..

Me: But.. I love you..

I looked down and she didn't say anything, so I took my phone, went downstairs and out of the house. It was raining and I was wet in a minute. But I really don't care. I looked where exactly is the hospital and started to walk there. I wanna see him once again while I'm still able. I know I won't hear him sing again or argue with him or see him laughing at nonsense like he used to, I'll never be able to hear his jokes again even if they were terrible and I won't be able to say I've got the best twin on the world anymore..

Uhh that took me sooo long to write. I've got A LOT of tests this month and I'm also sick. Well my day looks like this.. I wake up at 6am, sometimes later sometimes sooner, I get some breakfast then I go to school which is right by the dormitory, first class starts at 8, we end at 2.15pm, sometimes later, then I go to lunch. Half an hour later we'we got lessons for 2 hours, so to 6pm, then I go to dinner and after that I go learning because this school is so damn hard and then I go to sleep sometimes at 11pm or later. I hardly find time to write so I'm really sorry. And so you know, only one more part is left.