phan one shots

take it slow

Summary: Dan is trying to recover from his eating disorder and Phil tries to slowly help him learn to eat again

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, anxiety, eating disorders, panic attack

It shouldn't be this hard to eat.

Dan knew that.

He knew it shouldn't have been so hard, so difficult to just grab his fork and eat.

To take a bite out of the lovely meal Phil had spent so much time preparing for him.

He should have been able to chew and swallow the food in front of him.

Just like everyone else.

He should have been able to just eat.

So why couldn't he?

Why did his hands shake at the thought of any food settling in his stomach?

Why did his eyes burn with tears whenever he tried to force himself to pick up his utensils?

Why did his throat go dry and his lips tremble when he tried to imagine himself eating any of the things on his plate?

Why?

Why was it so hard?

Why couldn't he just be normal?

Why couldn't he eat?

"Dan?" Phil asked gently, his bright blue ocean eyes filling with concern.

Dan looked up, his boyfriend's worried voice pulling him out of his suffocating thoughts.

His head was spinning, the smell of the wonderfully cooked salmon, broccoli, and rice filling his nose.

He tried to focus on Phil, shooting him a wobbly smile despite his heart pounding against his chest and panic clawing its way up his throat.

"Yeah?"

He tried to come off as calm and collected, but his voice was scratchy, cracking on the end of the word, and his distress was radiating off of him in waves.

Phil bit his lip, his eyes flashing hues of green as he scanned Dan's tense and stiff figure, his pale face and fearful eyes, his hands hanging limply by his sides.

"What's wrong?"

Dan breathed out shakily, his heart thudding in his ears as he looked away from Phil's piercing gaze.

"Nothing." He replied, but the word sounded generic, like an automatic response he'd been programmed to repeat, and his voice was sharp and breathless with panic and burning red anxiety. He looked like he was going to be sick right there, and Phil knew his boyfriend better than to believe something so obviously fake.

"You're lying." He stated, keeping his tone gentle so he didn't upset Dan further. "Please don't lie to me Dan. I know you better than to believe that, and I care about you too much to let you just suffer in silence. Tell me what's going on."

Dan wanted to. He could feel terror and self hatred burning its way through his bones and tearing him apart from the inside out. He could feel the hateful words in his head piling up, spilling from every corner of his mind, and he just wanted to scream. He wanted to tell Phil. He wanted to tell Phil so he could make it better.

But the voices wouldn't allow that.

They hissed at him, telling him what to say and do, drowning out all reason.

Don't tell him, they whispered, quiet enough that no one would sense their presence, but loud enough to shout over anyone who tried to prove them wrong.