phan one shots

dan's new video!!!!!!

I have so many things to say about this video so...

let's start from the beginning.

Daniel Howell was born and raised to be kind.

He smiled and laughed and god forbid (gasp!) he actually talked to people as though he were happy about their presence!

So, of course, the innocent child must be gay!

Of course, a boy can't have a pleasant, gentle personality without something being inherently wrong with him right?

Doesn't it break your heart that the first time Dan heard the word gay was from a little boy who pushed him down and punched him in the stomach, and spit it at him like it was an insult?

And then he went to an all boys school. And yeah, Dan has mentioned the bullying before.

But what he talked about in this video?

That was pure cruelty. It made me sick, and I found myself crying as he spoke. Crying because god, no one deserves to go through that. And Dan...you're reading this book, you all must love him to pieces. I love him and Phil so much I can't even put it into words. I'm not going to sugarcoat it or make it sound like anything less than it is.

Dan and Phil saved my life.

What do I mean by that?

I mean, truthfully and honestly, I would probably be dead without them. I would have killed myself.

I remember a few months before Interactive Introverts, I was fighting my demons for my life, and I watched their videos non stop because it was the only thing that made me smile anymore, and I thought, "just wait until Interactive Introverts and it's over. Wait until you see them in front of you, and then you can finally leave. You won't have to suffer anymore."

Interactive Introverts came and went, yet I was still alive.

Because I wanted to live for them. For their next video. For their voices and their faces and their promises that it would get better. I wanted to be able to imagine meeting them and telling them all that they'd helped me through and giving them a jar full of reasons why we love them.

They held my hands in my darkest moments.

I haven't seriously thought about suicide in months.

So, hearing about Dan going through all that shit..the bullying that got so out of hand, and his environment at home and at school, and knowing how trapped he felt just broke something inside. People talked about setting his tent on fire at Redding festival and spread rumors about a boy who planned to kill him, and they isolated and ridiculed and hurt him so badly. They made him ashamed.

So ashamed that he attempted suicide.

I can't explain to you the depths of my rage and my heartbreak when he said that.

And that he told no one. That he prayed to be straight, tried to kill himself when he couldn't handle the self hatred, and still, wasn't able to tell anyone when he almost lost his precious life by his own hands.

Until now.

I can't imagine a world without Daniel Howell.

The world doesn't deserve his beautiful heart and mind and soul. But we need him. We need him and Phil and this video only proves why.

Him saying that Phil was the first person to make him feel safe (yes phan is real, but for now let's focus on Dan's story and making him feel welcome in the LGBT community) is bittersweet to me. I'm so happy he found safety, happiness, and love in Phil Lester, god, that man is an angel. But at the same time, the fact that he had that safety and security ripped away from him, and he lived in constant fear of himself and others is such a horrifying concept. And yet it's reality.

And he addressed 2012. A year that we as the Phandom rightly feel shame for. I can't believe all that he has suffered through and then again in 2012.

It was a long video so I won't go on about everything in it.

But Dan hated himself, hated the part of himself for so long. He lived in fear of the word gay, of being gay. He felt so fucking trapped. No one should ever, ever, feel that way.

Can we just think about how much it must have taken for him to make this video? To share this with us, and open himself up, and allow himself to be vulnerable?

Can we talk about how brave Dan is? Can we just think about him, and how deserving he is of happiness and love?

And he was afraid he wouldn't be accepted in the LGBTQ+ community.

But he is. He is so incredibly loved and supported by so many people. He has no idea. Can we constantly remind him of that?

I have no doubt that this was hard for him, and that it will be hard for him.

And we love Dan.

So let's find ways to tell him that. I don't care how, even if he never sees it. I just need him to know that he's safe, and that he's loved. He's okay, and he will be okay. I have no doubt of that.

But I want us as a Phandom, to truly lift Dan up. Try to give back all that he and Phil have given to us.

Please.

Alright.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Also, I'll be making a one shot soon that has everything to do with this video.

I'm sorry it's been so long.

Anyway...

i love you all so so so so so so so so so much, i love you infinitely, my support and care for you is endless and don't you ever forget it! you're all so beautiful, like for real. how is any human just that ethereal? inside and out? you've been gifted with unconditional and eternal beauty. i hope you haven't forgotten that. the meaning of beauty is yours to create. and goodness have you created it. your hearts are so precious. your minds are breath taking. your very being is such a gift. thank you for existing. please eat well. nourish yourselves, i promise there is no shame in that. feed your body well, stay healthy. your body is beautiful loves, don't hurt it. you don't deserve to be hurting.

you deserve to be happy. you have the right to be happy.

treat yourselves like angels, because that is exactly what you are. i mean that with my whole heart. 

i treasure you and i swear i'm not the only one. it's gonna be okay darlings.

you're going to be okay. you're going to smile. take deep breaths. close your eyes.

everything will be fine. everything will be okay.

care for yourselves. treat yourselves to something you love. you're doing so so so good. i believe in you.

take care of yourselves, be kind to yourselves, and treat yourselves because you're special and you're worth it.

i love you.

eat and stay hydrated. i'm sending you all big, warm virtual hugs.

i love you all to pieces.

(｡'▽'｡)♡

"Living your truth...with pride...is the way to be happy." -Daniel James Howell.