phan one shots

fake love | song fic

Summary: I know this song is in korean but I love it so much and I relate to it and it reminds me of a toxic relationship I used to be in so I decided to make a song fic based on the English translation so if it sounds weird it's because it's a BTS song, it's in Korean and the English translation probably isn't super accurate

TRIGGER WARNINGS: toxic relationship, verbal abuse, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, self harm, eating disorder

For you I could pretend I was happy when I was sad

Dan hid his shaking hands in his pockets, pockets full of blood red roses, ten slashes under his sleeves. He bit his cherry blossom lips hard, drawing blood, cutting skin, but anything to make sure he didn't see how it trembled and wobbled from his locked sobs, his burning chest. He wanted to be held, for his tears to be wiped away, for someone, anyone, to make the pain just a bit more bearable. But that couldn't happen, wouldn't happen. He had to be happy.

For you I could pretend I was strong when I was hurt

"What's wrong with you? Are you weak? Are you that fucking weak?"

Screaming, screaming, screaming.

It was so loud.

Green eyes that used to be gentle, soft, like the breeze in the summer, warmth blooming like summer flowers, flowers in his bones to replace the cold.

Now they were ice, sharp, twisted, burning with anger, so so cold, burning, burning, why did they look at him like that?

Soft lips he used to kiss, rough, painful, kisses like a punishment, hands roaming like they were trying to leave bruises, lips forming horrible, horrible words.

The kind of words that tore his skin from his bones and stole his blood from his body.

But he'll love me if I'm better right?

I'm just not strong enough.

Pale skin, stars staining his flushed cheeks the darkest of blues, but he's hiding it all, all the hurting. The hurting. To be strong.

I wish love was perfect as love itself

Dan remembered what love used to feel like. The kisses that felt like all the pretty things in the world, like a thousand cherry blossoms, the taste of fresh strawberries, as breathless laughter filled the air.

He remembered what it was to be loved.

Back when he was held like he was the most precious thing in the universe, by the person he loved with all his heart.

Long arms, laced nimble fingers around his stomach, and gentle hums into his neck.

But like a glass castle it all shattered.

And blood stained the pages of his fairytale.

I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden

"Fat slut!" Another scream.

Cries wanted to burst from his lips, but he kept them sealed as though sewn shut with lace, and he took every shout, every acknowledgement of all his weaknesses.

"You never do anything! You're so useless, why do I even bother! You're so ungrateful! I give everything to you, I stay with you even when you're being a whiny, annoying bitch. The least you could do was stop being so worthless, and do something right for once!"

Each word buried itself in his heart and repeated in a loop, repeating, repeating, repeating, in the bathroom when he broke down, and cut his skin until blood made everything crimson. More blood red roses in his pockets.