Jungkook: The Friendly Ghost

32. For You

Having him next to me feels like home.

And that scares me.

That scares me beyond words but despite the fear, I turn around to look at him.

His eyes are studying my face, as if he had not seen it before. Every single inch of my face before returning back to my eyes as we lie in silence. His arms are still around me but I feel his grip loosening.

"I still don't want to talk," I tell him, cringing when I hear the sound of my own voice. I'm pretty sure my morning breath doesn't smell like daises, but even though his face is so close to mine, he says nothing. "I don't. I don't want to explain myself, I don't want you to explain yourself. I did what I did for the reasons I deemed right. You did what you did for the reasons you deemed right."

"But I wasn't right, my reasons weren't right," he shakes his head.

"It doesn't matter," it's my turn to shake my head. "You said what you felt. Perhaps it was in the heat of the moment but you meant it. I'd much rather have my feelings hurt than to have you bottle it up."

"JJ, I didn't-"

"Kook, don't."

"I called you a bitch."

"I know you did," I nod. "And you're probably going to call me a bitch now as well, when I'm done with saying what I want to say."

"I won't," he jumps up. "I will never call you that again. I didn't even mean it, I-"

"Kook, it's okay, just listen to me-"

A knock on the door interrupts me mid-sentence and I manage to react fast enough to not look as if I am caught red handed when Hobi opens the door to my room.

"Hey," he smiles at me. I can see that guilt is eating him up on the inside. After all, he did blow me off to hang out with his girl but I suppose that's just the way things are these days. "I'm going home for the week. Remember?" he asks and I manage to recall him mentioning it a few days before while I was chugging down my coffee and he was eating his breakfast.

"Oh yeah," I nod. "Safe trip. Call me when you get there."

"I will," he smiles at me. "You haven't changed your mind about going?" he checks.

"Nope, I have things to do here," I shake my head.

"It's not about Joon, is it?" he asks.

"No," I manage to smile at him, and I am glad to know that Namjoon is no longer a topic I frown about. "We talked last night, actually. We're good. We were blind for a long time but we're okay. It's not about him. I just don't feel like leaving at the moment."

"Oh, okay," Hobi nods, reaching for the door. "If you change your mind, let me know. I'm going to grab coffee with Hyeri but I won't be driving before noon."

"Have fun," I wave and after he waves back, he closes the door behind him.

"You talked to Namjoon?" Jungkook asks at once, giving me a worried look.

"Yeah. I kind of... had no one to talk to. You... well, you weren't here, Hobi wasn't here and I just needed someone. But that's not important now," I sit up, ready to go back to the topic I had in mind before Hobi interrupted us. "Back to why you'd call me a bitch. Can you let me talk without interrupting me?"

"Yeah," he nods his head like an obedient child.

"Okay. I understand everything. I've thought about the pros and cons of every option. I reminded myself that I have no idea what it feels like. I did my best to open your eyes, to show you that there are some things you are blind to. None of it worked. So now I am turning to my very last option."

"Which is?" he asks and suddenly his eyes go wide. "Sorry. Continue."

"Emotional blackmail," I sigh. "Do it for me."

He blinks a few times before speaking up. "Do what for you?"

"Try for me. Stay alive for me. Do all you can. For me."

I stay silent as I wait for him to think about it, ready to wait for hours if need be. This is my final resort. I am not exactly proud. Emotional blackmail isn't cool, not even when you're open about it. But maybe, just maybe, that might be the thing that shakes him out of it.

Or perhaps I blew it out of proportion. Perhaps I'm not nearly important enough for him to try. Hell, he didn't try it before. Me asking him directly might not change a single thing.

I wait and I wait, watching him look around the room, look at anything but directly at me, almost hearing as the wheels in his head are turning.

Then suddenly, he looks directly at me. "Come with me?"

"Where?"

"Just come with me," he tells me and as he gets off the bed, I follow him, only stopping to put on my slippers. He doesn't stop to wait for me and I end up jogging to catch up with him. Luckily, Hobi had already left the place and I will not have to explain why I'm acting like a weirdo in our hallway. "Take the keys," Jungkook points at the cupboard and walks through the door before I can react.

I do know where I'm supposed to go – the keys he pointed at are the garage keys. As quickly as possible, I change into sneakers and while still wearing pajamas, I grab the keys and walk out of the apartment, knowing that he's probably already waiting for me in the garage.

I haven't been there since the day Jin came to get some of his stuff. It felt wrong, seeing as it's full of his personal belongings. I didn't want to be there without Jungkook and he has never expressed the desire to be there until now.

I unlock the door and sure enough, he is there, waiting for me. I don't even have a chance to turn on the light before he points at a box. "Open it," he tells me.

Like a little puppet, I walk over to a cardboard box. I open it, only to find it full with other things. "Open the wooden box," he tells me and again, I listen. I open the wooden box. The first things I notice are random concert tickets, festival bracelets and a few earrings and key chains. "The bottle."

"Huh?" I ask, looking at a little bottle of what looks to be perfume, without a label on it.

"You asked me what I'd smell like," he shrugs. "I made a joke about it then but I kept thinking about your question and that's the answer, right there. I used it every day."

He doesn't need to say anything else. I put the wooden box on the closest shelf and take out the small bottle, opening it and bringing it to my nose.

It's different. I can't tell if I ever actually imagined the smell but if I did, I'm sure it's different from what my imagination conjured without me being aware of it. But it's a beautiful smell. And it goes with him. And when I open my eyes and look at him, I can put two and two together – they fit.

I now know.

"There's a little bracelet in there," he swallows a lump as he points back to the box. "A simple, silver one with a feather as the pendent. I don't think it's actual silver at all, I bought it at some stupid fair. But I used to wear it a lot. It wasn't on me that day. Maybe it was my good luck charm and if I had worn it things would have been different. I'll never know. But I do know that I want you to wear it."

"Why?" I manage to utter.

"Because if it doesn't work, my family will come get my stuff eventually," he tells me. "And if they do, I need you to have something to remember me by."

I take a deep breath. "If what doesn't work?" my voice shakes.

"I'm trying," he tells me, looking directly at my eyes before looking down at the ground, as if me looking back at him is scaring him. "I'll try. I'll do it for you."

I want to do and say so many things, I don't even know where to start. I am overwhelmed, drowning in many emotions at once and the only thing I can do is throw my arms around him, still gripping the bottle of perfume in my right hand, breathing a sigh of relief when he hugs me back.

"Thank you," I whisper as I dig my face into the crook of his neck.

"No, JJ. You got it all wrong. Thank you."