Jungkook: The Friendly Ghost

38. Wine

Never did I think washing dishes could be therapeutic.

And actually, it's not.

It's a form of denial.

Why? Because it allows me to focus on something else. If I have a few minutes, just a few minutes alone, of looking at plates and soap and not thinking about our pending doom, I'm taking it.

But the problem is, my brain doesn't rest and neither does Jungkook.

He did pull away, though. He knows me well enough, after all. I know he could tell that I am not as okay with this as he is. And it's understandable, if I'm asked. He has accepted his doom long before I came along. And he's not going to have to live without me.

He will move on, pass, whatever the hell it is. I will be left to pick up the pieces of myself. Of course, it sucks for him and it's beyond horrible. But he is okay with it.

Or he's pretending. But I know him as well as he knows me and I truly believe he's okay with it.

He's okay with it, I'm not and on and on it goes.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know why I'm going to do while he's here and I absolutely have no fucking clue what I'm going to do when he leaves.

I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm going to have to weather this myself and I don't want to. I really don't.

"JJ?" he calls from me from the windowsill he's sitting on while watching me while I wash dishes. I just mumble, not wanting to say a simple yes. I just... don't want to talk. "I'm going to leave for a little bit in the morning, while you sleep, okay?" he asks.

"Okay but... why?"

I don't want to be pushy or clingy but honestly, with the ticking time bomb over our heads, him leaving all of a sudden makes no sense at all.

"I want to say goodbye," he tells me and I nearly drop the plate I was rinsing. I didn't even stop to think about that being a possible reason and now that I know it is, I feel about 30 times worse than I did just seconds ago. "To my parents, to Tae and Jin, to my brother... I want to say goodbye to them and close that door and then come back to you."

"Kook, are you sure," I close the tap and turn around to look at him, knowing that we do have to talk about this, as much as I would like to pretend that it is not happening. "These are... your last days. I will understand if you want to spend more time with them."

The way he looks at me really breaks my heart. He has a smile, one that is real but also hides the sadness behind it. His eyes speak for him. Genuine, with wrinkles all around but just as his smile, full of sadness.

Just because he has accepted his destiny doesn't mean that he is happy about it.

Fucking hell, I'm going to miss him so much.

"I'd rather be with you," he tells me, smiling my way. "Unlike them, you can actually be with me too."

"Jungkook-"

"No," he shakes his head. "I will say my goodbyes while you are asleep and then I will come back to you."

I cried more over the last few days than I have cried in my entire lifetime. I can't pause the hopeless feeling and that's why I cry – there's literally nothing else I can do but cry. And I can't even fully enjoy the time I have with him because there's this bitterness and sadness around it.

"I wish I could do more," I sigh, looking back at the kitchen sink because eye contact with him at this point would be the end of me. "I wish I could be better. I'm just... a mood killer right now. But as happy as I am with you, I can't stop thinking about not having you by my side in just... a few days."