Back to You

Ch.4

To anyone else it was just a normal day. To Elliot Stabler, it was anything but. Today, May 14th,  would have been the 16th anniversary of his partnership to Olivia. As he sits alone at his kitchen table, his head in his hands, she's the only he can think about.

He can still remember the day they were partnered together, thinking to himself "Wow she's green". Wondering how long she'd last in the unit and just what in the world the captain was thinking when he partnered her with him. He quickly changed his tune when they took down their first suspect.

Having gone on a 3 block chase down, Olivia quickly caught up to their guy and tackled him. Elliot stood back in stunned silence as she slapped cuffs on the perp and hauled him off to their police cruiser. Passing him on her way to the car Olivia yelled back to him "You just gonna stand there or can we move it, Stabler?" That's when he knew that she could do this.

Eli ran out of his bedroom and into the kitchen. Moving as fast as his little legs would take him while pushing a his toy car in front of him. Not looking up from his toy, he runs right into the leg of the table. Successfully jarring Elliot from his thoughts.

"Sorry daddy!" the little boy says as he continues through the kitchen.

"It's alright buddy", Elliot replies "Just be careful okay?"

Eli simply nods his head as he runs around the table and back towards the living room. Looking at his little boy he can't, for the life of him, remember how he got this big. It seems like just yesterday he was rushing to the hospital to meet his newborn son. The memory, once again, bringing Olivia back to his mind. After checking on his wife and baby boy, he remembers seeing her, standing there covered in blood. Pulling her towards him, hugging her for all he's worth, and holding onto her like his life depended on it, because he thought it just might. The memory is forever etched in his brain as the day he could have lost the mother of his children, the son he adored more than anything, and the woman that was the love his life. The thought sends a pang right through his heart.

Every day without her, every hour that passes, is slowly adding to the guilt that he's been carrying around for the last three years. Not one day has gone by that he hasn't thought about her, that he hasn't wondered how she's doing. Slumping even deeper into his chair and burying his head even further into his hands he allows all the emotions to come back to him.

He thinks about all the times he's thought about calling her, about going to the precinct, or stopping by  her apartment.  He thinks about how hard it was to walk away and never look back. The worst is that he does look back... all the time. He wonders what she's doing,  if she's found some sort of happiness. Because for him, it has been hell. He hopes that she's okay because he can't bare the thought of it being any other way, but he knows, deep down inside, that she's not.

The invisible pull that they've always had to each other never waning. I was still there and just as strong, if not stronger with the absence. He can feel it. Feel the pain that he caused her by walking away, by not answering her, and by not giving her an explanation.  He knows the pain because he can feel it too.

"I am so stupid", he releases with a sigh, as once again, he realizes all of his mistakes.

"What you say daddy?" Eli says as he approaches his father, a look of worry on his face. "You okay?", the little boy continues as he rests his hand on his dad's shoulder.

Elliot slowly lifts his head and looks at his son. The same crystal blue eyes staring back at him. "Yeah buddy, I'm okay" he says as he reaches out to hug his son. The emotions from the memories proving to be too much. Hugging him, just a little tighter, he manages to hold back the unshed tears.