CLANDESTINE

trente

//; since i forgot to mention it before hAPPY 3K BITCHES!!1!!1!

30
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to love;
freedom, new start, letting go.
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mark had decided to do a movie night.

donghyuck seems aware that mark wanted to made up all those days where they were fighting and cold to one another and really, donghyuck was so touched by that.

but mark picked a wrong time.

anything that mark would do after this day would always be a wrong time because donghyuck already made up his mind. no matter how much mark do to persuade him, donghyuck stood by his decision.

even if it might hurt mark.

donghyuck knew this would break the other boy so much, kill him, but donghyuck need to this for himself.  donghyuck can saw how their relationship was at their worst, the least thing he can do was to be selfish for once, save himself, before it got worser.

it's not even that far until their once pretty and beautiful relationship crumbles down. donghyuck can saw the bruises on his hips got worser, the scars on his wrist adds up, the bite marks on his chest were hurting him whenever he took a breath.

donghyuck was sitting beside mark, his head laying on mark's chest, hands entwined with their legs tangling.

there were times when mark was being lovely, when donghyuck could finally get a glimpse of the older boy that he fell in love into before, that awkward and shy boy. mark would cuddle with him, caress his skin softly, praises his body, say how beautiful he is. sometimes donghyuck would even say that mark was worshipping him as mark holds him delicately and appreciate every part of him.

it lasted for a moment.

it was only a while before that mark would be replaced by the boy that was suffocating him now. donghyuck used to feel loved when mark held him so close, now, donghyuck felt nothing but fear.

donghyuck can't even focus on the movie playing, his eyes running everywhere while he tried to to stop trembling.

"hyuck,"

donghyuck's breath hitched as mark called him. donghyuck lifted his head slightly to meet mark's eyes. mark didn't talk for a while, which left donghyuck waiting under his gaze.

"i love you."

there it goes again.

donghyuck averted his gaze away from mark.

it had always been like this.

mark would say it out of nowhere but now that donghyuck saw it, the 'i love you' that came out from mark was rather like a reminder to himself. donghyuck can't feel the love inside it, the sincerity, despite him saying it back to mark.

but donghyuck can't say it back now.

it's not that donghyuck didn't love mark, he swears he did, but he just can't.

donghyuck can't love an abuser.

donghyuck pulled himself up from mark, sitting properly. his hands were holding to mark tightly, his breath uneven.

donghyuck need to do this. stop everything between them, whatever that's left in this relationship isn't love, it's long gone already as it was replaced by pain.

"i-i can't do this anymore, mark."

and maybe donghyuck was way too scared as he looked at mark's eyes. his eyes were reflecting donghyuck's, the pain it brought to his heart was same but mark didn't understand. mark didn't know he was the reason behind the pain etching on donghyuck's heart.

"i don't want to love you like this."

tears were running down swiftly but donghyuck didn't care about that, he needs to made it clear of what he wanted.

"i don't want to be with you, y-you hurt me mark."

"you hurt me badly. i-i don't want to be h-hurt. i c-can't-"

donghyuck was doing a terrible job at hiding his sobs by now. his hands were still gripping onto mark's tightly as he cried. donghyuck felt the heavy gaze that was set on him but he had his head down.

"i'm sorry."

donghyuck shook his head violently. "y-you are not s-sorry. i know that. p-please, don't say you are if you aren't."

donghyuck managed to forced himself from sobbing and steady his breath, he wanted mark to hear him. mark pulled one of his hand as he brought it to lift donghyuck's cheek. mark was caressing it carefully, not wanting to touch the cut that was located on his jaw.

"it's hard mark. it keeps repeating. you would h-hurt me and say sorry but you would do it again. i don't like it, i don't want to just receive everything. at first, i thought that maybe you're just letting out your stress. i'm not mad, it's okay. but then you began to hold me hardly, i-i don't like that."

"hyuck it's no-"

"you slapped me mark!"

donghyuck were breathing heavily as he shouted, closing his eyes to calm himself. his voice were utterly small, strained and soft as he spoke. "you would never do that to me. even if i annoyed you all the time but i know you wouldn't do that. but last night, you slapped me. it's not only my face that was hurting but my heart, i felt like it was ripped apart. yet you said it's not your fault? after doing that to me, you said it's not like that? it is what it is, mark."

donghyuck let go of mark's hand, bringing it to his face as he wiped the tears away.

"i love you mark, i really do. i love you with my whole heart. i would do everything for you, you know that too. but i love myself more."

donghyuck stood from the couch.

"i'm breaking up with you."

giving a one last glance and a last kiss, he left the crying boy as he went to his room.

it's sad to know that love can either bring happiness as it wraps you inside it, flashing imaginations of what's yet to happen in your mind, or pull you down together with pain, drowning yourself with all the nightmares.

mark loved too hard, donghyuck didn't.

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the result to the poll was vague but meh

there's three people that voted for to be love and one for to love and others are just both and confused so the last result is

[ to love ]

just to say, if you're in the same situation please get out of it quick. there's no use for you to stay with someone who continuously abuse you.

the real meaning behind to love was donghyuck finally learning how to love himself. that's why the first thing he had to do is to get away from his abusive partner and stop everything between them

while the meaning behind to be love is for donghyuck letting himself to be love by mark, despite all the things mark had done to him which would make donghyuck to stay in the relationship and just accepts everything

so i can say that y'all made a good decision?

and good job to my boys for snatching wigs again with simon says

- tantan