I AM THE EYES

sorry, love.

i'm so so sorry but i need to vent through this
please don't hate me for making will homophobic
suicide trigger warning
this is a vent chapter so i'm really sorry

stephen felt like there was sharks swimming inside him. fins dragging under his skin and tearing apart muscle and organ. that's what this attraction of his made him feel like.

you see, most times, when you have a crush on someone, you'll feel those gorgeous little butterflies bloom in your body and scatter around your stomach like rose petals, but no, not for poor stephen.
those butterflies turned bitter, transforming into blood thirsty sharks, and the electric touches of a total heaven now felt like jolts of raging thunder, not those welcoming sparks that could shake you back to the present.

stephen was currently sat in wills apartment, waiting for his friend to return home. he had just popped out for some groceries, nothing much, he had ten minutes or so to himself.
so stephen got up and went to the balcony, watching the clear nightlife and smiling as he watched the world go by.
he played a couple of songs through his phone and one of his favourite songs came on, thanks to shuffle.
and by EDEN, his favourite song from their 'i think you think too much of me'
the boy sang his heart out to the song, letting the lyrics flow through him as he could relate to the song.
just as the song ended, will returned and went over to stephen after he put the two bags of tesco's supplies, walking over and standing beside his closest friend.
"you really enjoy this balcony don't you?"
"yeah, i like it at night, when you can watch the cars go by and people walk down the pavement, and just all the pretty lights."
"i thought you were afraid of heights, though?"
"i'm not scared of you, am i?"
will let out a gentle laugh, playfully punching stes shoulder.
was this the time for him to finally admit?
well, he felt like, after everything they've been through, hopefully it couldn't go too bad.
"hey, will. can i tell you something?"
well here goes nothing stephen.
"course you can mate."
"well-"
stephen tried, and stephen failed and successfully speaking the english language. stephen couldn't express himself through words, so actions took that place.
stephen, stepping onto his tippie-toes, leant up and kissed his best friend, savouring the sweet sensation of his lips.
stephen had frankly never told anyone about his sexuality, nor his crush on will, but, he took the bait and finally kissed his crush.

but it was very short lived.
as soon as will processed that he was being kissed by a boy, he retaliated, and shoved away the figure extremely firmly.
wiping his lips, will scoffed.
"what the fuck?! you fucking faggot!"
"i-"
"no, don't even dare explain yourself. i can't believe you're a fucking faggot, stephen. you're my best friend, why would you choose to be gay?!"
"will-"
"no, fucking save it you disgusting bastard. get out of my fucking apartment."

stephen would've sworn he was dreaming. no, not the good type of dreaming, the one where you can't move and everything's happening at once and all you can feel is pain and cry, dreaming.
because his best friend, his crush, will, was homophobic, and officially hated him.
"w-will, please-"
the boy choked between tears.
"listen to me faggot, and get out of my fucking apartment!"
will raised his voice, pure rage and disgust melting over his eyes, making stephen sob even harder.
he didn't even protest, the boy just grabbed his keys, phone and ran out, to never return.
stephen ran, he ran out of the complex and to the nearest taxi home, never daring to look back.
midway through his drive home, his phone pinged with a twitter notification, will had tweeted something out.

'hate to say it but i lost my best friend tonight. all his fucking fault, he disgusts me for showing his true identity, and i'm glad he's out of my life.'

stephen smiled, he could feel the sharks close to finishing up their meal, he felt so hollow and drained of happiness, wow. wow, stephen had never felt such pure sadness before, it made him cry so much he couldn't breathe, and had to force his breaths out for the most part.
once stephen got home, he just flung the door open, slammed it shut and fell to the floor in a puddle of his own sorrow.
his phone was vibrating constantly in his pocket, notifications whirring about how that tweet was aimed at him, his friends messaging him, and the amount of twitter mentions was totally insane.
stephen took out his phone, and, shaking just like his phone, he typed something out to tweet.
'i miss him already'
sent.

he tweeted out to the whole world to confirm things. and stephen just held his phone, the screen glaring at him in disapproval as the replies flooded in.

one more tweet, he thought.
one more tweet, he wrote.

'will, i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry for kissing you, i'm sorry for being gay, and i'm sorry that i ruined our friendship. i love you so much, i never wanted you to leave me, but i suppose i don't deserve you. and i think i've come to terms with that.'
his final tweet, sent off.

stephen turned off his phone fully, never to see his lock screen of himself and will mid laugh, it was at the bar downtown for his 20th birthday. before he fucked everything up.
stephen stood up, shaking and frail, as he headed toward his bathroom.
upon entering, stephen shuffled through the cupboards, finding his antidepressants.
stephen was now shaking so much his vision became blurry, a mix of his inability to stay still and how sore his eyes were from crying so much.
taking the lid off and letting it drop to the floor, stephen turned the sink tap on to take gulps of water and pills.
he downed his four bottles that were meant to last him months.
stephen sank to the floor, in a full on panic, he knew there was no going back.

he just sat there, letting his eyes slowly shut as he fell unconscious, then at the early hour of 5:47, stephen lawson took his final breath, blood trailing out of his nose.
did he regret it? no, why would he need to, he didn't have to worry anymore.
no more sadness, no more pain, no more rejection, no more hatred.

will had seen stephens tweets, and in a horrific panic he had immediately regretted his choices of how he talked to stephen. he was his fucking best friend, and he called him a faggot on multiple occasions.
will regretted every single word, he now knew how much he needed stephen, no matter if he had a crush on will or not, he needed his best friend.
will threw on a denim jacket and retraced ste's steps, taking a taxi to stephens house as fast as that god damn car could go.
will burst through stephens door, it was unlocked, to wills horror.
he screamed the poor boy's name so many times any other word became incoherent, and finally he entered the bathroom to find stephen, his stephen, limp and pale, slumped on the floor.

no one was there to comfort will as he let out the most heart wrenching shrill.
he just lost his best friend, and it was all his fault.

i'm so sorry
my writing is so terrible
my art is so terrible
i am so terrible
i should just stop breathing
i'm useless at everything i do
i'm so so sorry
please forgive me i'm trying to be better