Those of Us Alone

Chapter 64: Guilt

Hak's POV

"WHAT?!"

Yoon effectively woke anyone up, including myself, with his outburst. I groaned, pushing myself up from my laying position on the floor of the hotel room that our group was in. Everything was silent as I rubbed my eyes, trying to wake myself up. As I opened my eyes, however, I soon realized that the real reason that everyone was so silent was because most of the group, excluding the princess and Shin-ah, were shooting glares in my direction.

Raising an eyebrow, I throw a nonchalant look back at everyone, "What did I do this time?" While Shin-ah seemed to be feeling a strange neutral towards me, hime-san had refused to look in my direction, and there was a depressed aura around her figure. Sighing, I look down, speaking in a soft, regretful voice, "Look." I blink, taking a second to think, "I'll . . . I'll go see Midori. . . I'll," I sighed, trying not to show my inner turmoil, "I'll try to . . . make things alright. . ."

It seemed that only then, did the glares get harsher. As I felt their gazes shoot into me, I glance around the room, hoping to find someone who would tell me what I said that made things worse.

". . . You're too late," I flinched. I wasn't really expecting to get an answer without asking for it, but there was no way that I was expecting the eerily dispassionate Shin-ah to speak up.

There was a sound of crushing paper, and I turn to my left to see Yoon, the very angry, very mother-like boy, almost bursting with anger, "This is your fault!"Flinching again, I watch in bewilderment as the boy stormed out, leaving the room with a heavy feeling.

Before I could even question anything, the princess got up from her sad state, placed a hand on Jae-ha's shoulder - who looked like he was a couple of seconds away from exploding on me as well - and spoke solemnly, "Come on, we. . ." she glanced around the room, refusing to make eye contact with me, "we shouldn't let Yoon get so far by himself." She sent a glance to Shin-ah, before continuing, "Shin-ah can catch Hak up on his own."

A nod from the silent dragon was all the conformation they needed before they filed out into Saika, in search of a hysterical Yoon.

~~~~~~~~~

Shin-ah and I sat quietly, with a tense air between us.

I wasn't sure where to start, and . . . I wasn't too sure that he, himself, knew either. So, for the first ten minutes, we sat in complete and utter silence.

Realizing we were getting nowhere, I sigh, speaking softly, "So - "

But my sister's twin cut me off, "Midori . . .  wanted you to have this." I look down to his hand, where he held a thick, folded stack of parchment, with my name on the front. Confused, I pulled at the tab closing the packet, as he continued, "She wrote . . . to everyone. She was . . . sad when I went to . . . to see her."

I began to shake, seeing the discoloration on the paper, a clear sign that she struggled whilst writing this. And it was all. my. fault. I brought my left hand to my face, as I felt an overwhelming sadness come about. As I reached the actual writing, I had to set the parchment down, I was shaking so much.

'Hak,

I . . . I don't really know where to start.

I'm writing letters to everyone, and up until the end, yours is still the hardest for me to write. I'm not . . . usually good with words (speaking them, anyway), so I thought maybe I should try writing. I . . . I'm not going to join the group for a while. . . I'm pretty sure you know why.

What happened, Hak? When did we get so far apart? 

I know . . . I've never really been open about my life story (it's really not helping whilst I try to get those memories back). I guess. . . that may be a reason why you can't  . . . can't sympathize with me. So I. . . I know. . . it's not really how you wanted to be told. But. . . when we see each other again, I figure you and I . . . will understand each other's actions a little bit more. . .

And you can't interrupt me if I tell you this way.'

My eyes were wide as I looked at the stack of the parchment. I . . . Midori was right. I didn't want to find out this way. I begun to scoot the papers away from me, anything to keep myself from divulging into the story that I always wanted to know but was too stubborn, too unwilling to cross the line that it would take to get her to tell me.

But then, the papers were pushed back.

I looked up, almost in distress as my eyes locked onto the slats of the blue dragon's mask, "Shin-ah." My voice was shaky, almost as much so as the rest of my body, "I . . . I can't! I . . . I - "

"She told me," my only other companion in the room spoke softly, calmly, keeping whatever he may have been feeling at bay, "that you would say that. In my letter." He held up a letter of his own, before making it obvious that there was more than one page. He slipped the first page off, handing it to me, "This page was . . . was Midori telling me of her whereabouts."

 There weren't many lines on the page, just enough to get her point across. But there were a few that caught my eye. Mostly the 'I know Hak thinks that I am betraying everyone, especially him and Yona' and 'Sometimes . . . I almost think I am as well. But I'm not trying to'. It isn't until towards the end that I really felt anguish. My eyes hit the last line before Midori's signature, and tears began to well up in my eyes as I read 'and don't be too hard on Hak'.

Shin-ah sighed, placing a hand on my shoulder, trying to . . . comfort me, I guess, "She knew that you were going to refuse to read it. Her story." I refused to look up at him, refused to let him see how much I regretted not being there for our sister, "So, she asked me to make sure you did. because . . . I guess I helped her . . . last night." I had stayed silent, letting my tears fall, and another sigh left the dragon warrior, "Read it."

I snapped my head up, a glare set on my face, "Don't you see, Shin-ah?! I can't! I don't deserve to know!"

"I know," the bluntness of his words cut deep. It was one thing for me to admit it to myself, to admit that I was wrong  and that I made a mistake, but it was completely another thing to hear -not just someone from our group - the silent, generally accepting Shin-ah clap back at you in calm, controlled anger, "You're right. You don't deserve to know. But that's what our sister wants." He took a deep breath, controlling what little anger had slipped out, "Don't you think that maybe you should listen to her?"

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Welp. . . I'm not quite sure if how I portrayed Shin-ah in the end was how he would normally react, but I would like to think that he would be pretty blunt when he felt it was necessary.

So. Y'all have gotten to see what Hak is feeling. He knows he is wrong, and now he gets to feel bad.

Also, don't worry. I will actually write out the rest of Hak's letter. It's going to be important. As far as I've planned, it shouldn't be anything you don't already know, but . . . you never know (since I write things on a whim; I'm a terrible planner).

So, how did you like the inner turmoil of Hak? I feel like Hak is one of those people who struggle to express themselves emotionally. Like, obviously, he has an issue with his unrequited love, but we don't really see him become sad - like really sad - and he doesn't break down (really). So I kind of feel like - sort of how I've written Midori - that Hak doesn't like to show 'weakness' to others.

And while I think that opening up to Yona could be a 'prime example of a possible romantic plot line', I think that it's important to establish a relationship between him and Shin-ah. I mean, they're sort of brothers now. Both have to deal with our main character. So, yeah, that's what I was thinking - nobody else really could have been like this to Hak (without getting into a full-out brawl (looking at you, Jae-ha)).

So, I just added on another 300 words to my word count with this author's note. Believe it or not, having my thoughts out at the end of the chapter really helps me with the next few chapters :)

Anyway, Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading, 

~Ashley