Kardemomme Kisses - Evak

• Jeg heter Isak •

»I don't know what's up with me!
I wish I'd know what to do,
but unfortunately I don't!
I- I don't want to live
inside of my body anymore!
My body doesn't fit to me.
I'm not a girl,
I'm Isak!«

A few quiet sniffles filled Isak's room.
It was the beginning of a new month, his period was there.
Isak hated it so much. He couldn't do anything about it and it made him so angry and upset.
He had googled "how to stop having periods" countless times, nothing useful came out.
And that's when he decided to trick his body.
He stopped eating, hoping his body would become too weak to produce hormones.
It didn't quite work, he wasn't underweight enough for his plan to work yet.

Tears spilled out of Isak's eyes.
He hated it so much.
"Why can't I have the body that I want to have? What did I do to deserve to be treated this way?", Isak mumbled.
His thoughts were spinning. "Maybe a cut could help with distracting you from your disgusting body?", his thoughts were only about how disgusting his body was and that he needed to get rid of his female body.
Isak pulled up the sleeves of his his grey hoodie. There were cuts all over his arms, some of them were fresh and some of them were months old.
"No Isak, not again. Call Even, he will cheer you up", Isak mumbled to himself.
Even was Isak's boyfriend of almost one and a half years, he knew that Isak wasn't comfortable in his body.

Even had been the first one that Isak told about how he felt and that he didn't want to be a girl anymore.
And Even had bought Isak a binder for his birthday, which made Isak very happy.
The phone was ringing.
"Hello, this is Even Bech Næsheim. Halla Isak!", Even said and Isak smiled weakly.
"Hei Even. Umm, I don't want to disturb you but I need to get my thoughts out or else I'll do something I might regret", Isak said, his voice was shaking because he was about to cry.
"It's okay Isi, just tell me what's on your mind", Even said before clearing his throat.

"Okay. You know that I don't feel comfortable in my body. And you also know that my parents didn't want to accept me as their son. I- I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I already wear a binder, I have short hair, I wear boys clothes and I have a new name. But I still get periods and my breasts aren't gone either. I wish I looked more like a boy, with genital parts and everything. Then I'd finally be comfortable in my own skin.
You don't know how much it hurts to look in the mirror everyday and see someone that's not you. Every time I see my female body in the mirror, it feels like I'm getting punched in the face.
Even, I don't know how to escape anymore. Harming myself and starving myself doesn't do it anymore. I don't want to lose you, but if I have to live in this body for the rest of my life, I'd rather kill myself", Isak said and while he was talking he let his tears flow down his cheeks.
Everything hurt so much.

"Baby, I don't know how you're feeling, but I can tell you that I'll do everything that helps you.
I have done some research and yes, these surgeries that you've told me about are very expensive and since your parents aren't supporting you, it's hard to get the money. But trust me, I need to work a while at Kaffeebrenneriet and I will save some money up for you. It will take a long while but I promise you that I won't let you kill yourself just because you can't get out of your body", Even said, his voice sounded a bit shaky.
A silent sniffle came from the other side of the phone.
"I'm sorry, but the thought of you killing yourself and me not being able to do anything is killing me. I'd rather spend all my money from work on these expensive surgeries, than to see you get sadder and sadder every day until you commit suicide. I won't let that happen, okay baby? We will make it. Together as one, okay?", Even said, wiping his tears away.

Isak cried.
He couldn't believe, that his boyfriend was ready to spend a lot of money on the surgeries he had dreamed about.
It was a really long and expensive process to get him to the body he wanted to have, but it would be so worth it.
"I don't know how to thank you, Even. I'm so glad that you're willing to help me out with this. I seriously don't take this for granted, especially you helping me out financially. Since my job doesn't bring in that much money, I'm more than thankful for you helping me out", Isak said, his eyes were watering again.